Morgui – The Stalker Robot

This jaunty chap is Morgui.

Morgui, which is Mandarin for ‘ghost,’ is programmed to observe how human beings interact with him. Or, to put in a more suitably creepy way: Morgui likes to watch. He is equipped with eight sensory arrays covering all five of the human senses, plus a few more. Hopefully, one of those new extra-sensory observational tools can monitor when children are about to stroke out from fear, otherwise I think we’ve solved that whole population boom issue. You see, Morgui was originally designed to interact with children. Luckily, in a rare bout of rationality, the University of Reading where Morgui dwells (in darkness eternal, perhaps) has banned the robot from interacting with anybody under 18. You can see an R-rated movie with a parent or guardian at any age, and you can see an NC-17 movie at the titular 17. Everything that requires you to be older than 17 has a different rating.

That’s right, Morgui is X-Rated. Morgui’s horror is so obscene, it has actually been deemed pornographic.

Why? Well, aside from looking like the Terminator with your grandpa’s teeth, Morgui also has a few other terrifying quirks. He is not a passive observer, for one. He changes facial expressions in response to stimuli, which is a little unsettling, sure. But his most fearsome aspect? In order to help him more completely observe you, his motion tracking skills allow him to follow you about the room. And, presumably, also out of the room, down the street, in your car, and possibly into the bushes outside of your bathroom, as depicted here:

Did we need to build a better stalker? Did the Stalker’s Union feel technologically ill-equipped to masturbate in your closet when you’re at work? Did they need three entirely new senses, just to rifle through your underwear drawer? Why did we need a notice from the University’s Ethics Committee to not sic the stalker bot on children, specifically? As a child, I was scared shitless by the Wheelers from Return to Oz. I had nightmares for years, and to this day I shudder to think of them. You know what the Wheelers were? Tall people on roller skates. I guess what I’m getting at here is simple:

YOU DO NOT NEED A SUPER-SENSORY ROBOT TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF CHILDREN AND STALK YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

You can scare kids just fine with a well-timed loud noise, and if you truly require outside assistance to stalk your girlfriend, I’m available weeknights after five and every other weekend. There’s only a one-time nominal fee and, of course, all the panties I can eat.