My new column is up at Cracked, and in it I reveal the hideous truth about the controversial, the risky, the incredibly relevant Mario Lopez. The uh…the guy who played A.C. Slater on Saved by the Bell? Remember? In all seriousness though, he is dangerous psychopath who must be stopped. I recommend we do so by framing him for wrecking Belding’s car on prom night. Who will be brave enough to join me against the face of darkness?! Digg it here to make your stand, or just to let the world know you really wanted to bang Kelly Kapowski back in the day…and still would (even though she’s got kind of a Muppet head going on now).
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I Fight Robots 
“Children have died on these beds” was probably horrific and funny enough to deserve a new word. And not a shitty portmanteau like “horrifilarious” but something entirely new.
Lopezian?
Message:And so the Lopez hath been unmasked. Gather, ye children, in the fields of woe, so that the soulless one may bypass thee and thine crops.
I’m forever terrified if Mario Lopez. Oh.My.God.