I Fight Robots is dead! I Fight Robots lives again! Kill it! Kiiilll iiiit!

I’m changing the direction of this site in a pretty major way. When I first started IFR, it was for a few reasons: First and foremost, I really wanted a space to practice. I wanted to develop a voice, practice, experiment with form, and get some familiarity with non-fiction writing. I didn’t really do any of this with a specific goal in mind; I just love writing, and non-fiction is a big part of it – a part that I had no experience with. This experiment has led to some really good things – two weekly columns, a book deal, and a life as a full-time writer – but it’s getting stale.

Another reason for IFR was simply that there was nothing like it out there. There were comedy sites, and there were science sites, and there were sites that made a few jokes while link dumping science stuff – but nothing exclusively dedicated to humor and science. Now, just with my columns alone, there are at least two other weekly spots for this kind of material. Everything I previously covered here, I can now cover elsewhere. So most of my initial goals are now fulfilled. I’ve practiced, I am familiar, I have a voice and the chance to explore it – but god damn, now all I do is write non-fiction/comedy about science/interesting stories/internet stuff. I’ve got a non-fiction, non-memoir humor book I’m working on, and both weekly columns also have this same direction. It’s a bit stifling. I need some outlet for other genres, but more importantly, I need some practice with other things. I’ve shifted the direction of this blog once, and now I’m shifting it again.

It’s already devolved into visual puns. My god, what have I done?

From now on, this site is just my personal space. There’s no longer any theme to speak of, and it won’t necessarily always be comedy. I’ll post fiction here, (not just the sci-fi crap I have been, but anything that comes up) profanity-laden diatribes, thoughts on serious topics, autobiographical stories – whatever. It’ll probably still be mostly humor-oriented, and I’ll certainly bring back the traditional IFR science posts whenever I find something awesome that doesn’t fit into the other weekly columns. I’m sorry if this loses me readers, but hopefully the ones that stick around will get to know me a little better (and vice versa) and hell, maybe you’ll even like the new stuff better.
That being said, and seeing as how this is turning into a more personal kind of site, let’s do a more personal kind of intro.

Me: I’m 29 years old, a full-time writer, desperately in love with shitty movies, and secretly an old school nerd from way back. This is what I look like now:

Okay, so maybe I’m a little raggedy, but shit guys, this was me just last year:

As you can see, I am steadily looking less and less like a crazy hobo, and hope to one day join your society like a real person.

I live in Portland, Oregon with my wonderful, beautiful girlfriend Meagan:

She’s also responsible for site maintenance, all the designs and layouts. She does this because I am far too much of a diva to bother. It’s all hissy fits and champagne up in this shit.

I’m slowly finishing up a Bachelor’s Degree in Liberal Studies. This was not by choice – the school lost a bunch of my credits from my chosen major, and now, short of doing an entire year over, this is the only major that will graduate me as is. What high standards the liberal arts have! Hopefully, armed with this slip of paper that cost me thirty thousand dollars, I can now get a job as a waiter anywhere in the world!

These are my two dogs, who I have named after the protagonists from the Lethal Weapon series:

Detective Martin Riggs

This is the gentle, sweet-natured one.

Detective Roger Murtaugh

This is the crazy, loose cannon one.

The personality dynamic is reversed, I know. In this aspect, they disappoint me greatly.

This is the cat:

(I do not like the cat.)

I work from home and often do not change into real pants until rather late in the day. I have earned this right, as all of my previous jobs required retarded and ridiculous uniforms. I once wore a bow tie for six months. I have paid my dues.

I love Guinness like it is a person, because it is the best beer. That is not a personal opinion. You cannot disagree with facts. I enjoy sandwiches, but they do not enjoy me. I am their scourge.

“Your wife? Dead. Your children? Dead. Your dog? Dead. I will not stop until I have wiped your seed from the planet and salted the earth so that it may not grow again.”

I love books. I’ll read anything across the spectrum, as long as it’s good. Italo Calvino, Kurt Vonnegut, Philip Pullman, Jonathan Lethem – from post-modernism to humor to young adult to science fiction – these people are all equal geniuses to me. And they’re why I write. I write because I love it, and have always loved it. I knew only that I wanted to have something to do with writing for my career, but I never thought it would be comedy that paid. I wanted to be a serious writer – one with emotional issues and drug problems – who would hopefully die in isolation, an unappreciated genius in my own time. Instead, I inexplicably became a comedy writer – who is drinking a Diet Barq’s right now, and gets bi-weekly offers for sex from strangers because I write dick jokes about science on the internet. Life is funny.

I’m just capitalizing on it.

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63 Responses to I Fight Robots is dead! I Fight Robots lives again! Kill it! Kiiilll iiiit!

  1. Josh says:

    Oh fuck dude. I loved your shit. Thanks for all of the detailed personal information. Suprisingly it turns out you are a super huge douche.

    I eagerly await some real personal weepy ass shit. Bring on the tears brother.

  2. Robert says:

    …aaaand one down!

    So long, Josh! I sure will miss your fickle patronage and childish sense of entitlement!

    One tiny tear rolls down my cheek. And then, it is gone.

  3. Anon says:

    As long as your taste for dog cocks live on, so will my haunted presence.

  4. apolicious says:

    whatever. all the blogs I read are auto-biographical anyways. sometimes it’s good to remember that there are actual humans on the internet.

    oh, and fuck cats.

  5. grubwyrm says:

    Cool.

    I’ve been a mostly and moistly silent reader since your “Shit on Racoon” piece.

    I’m not ashamed to say, that post inspired me to rethink my voice as a writer. Fucking sappy, I know. I went back and read all my articles, sketches, and stand up, and realized you were doing what I do, but better. Because it was funnier than what I wrote.

    The next film I co-wrote got picked up and made into a comedy starring Corey Haim and Ron Jeremy. Suffice to say, I’m in the big time now. I own several Irish Wolfhounds and live in a luxurious Recreational Vehicle. I feel as though I should send you one of those fruit sculptures with the chocolate dipping accessories, I also own an entire wardrobe that belonged to Dolph Lungdren. The movie part and the last part is actually absolutely fucking true, by the way. I wear a Gucci Suede Sport Coat when I have dinner with my parents.

    Thanks for the kick in the ass.

    Of all the “comedy” on the internet, something resonates in yours.

    Allright, I’m done emotionally fellating you. Keep up the good work, and it’s peachy to see a deserving writer get the exposure he oughta.

  6. Robert says:

    Anon,

    If anything, you now have dogs to associate with said phantom dog cocks. I have provided you with more detail with which to insult me. Today is like Bingo for you, and life is like an old person with no relatives to depend on for comfort.

    Apolicious,

    I think you misunderstand; this will not be an exclusively autobiographical “blog.” I am not going to blog about my feelings or what I had for breakfast. There will still be articles, they will just be much more random. Sometimes autobiographical, sure, but still in an article kind of structure.

    grubwyrm,

    Wow, dude. That’s…awesome? What’s your movie called?

  7. I am happy with this site and your effort either way. It’s not a good site that I like.

    I will continue to read and throw my mind farts into the great plastic bag of the internet.

    (I try to write not terrible SF while getting my pharmacology degree- it does not always go so well)

    Regardless of theme I will go back to being a terrifying eastern European.

  8. Whoops: I meant to say it’s a Good Site that I like, not it is not a good site. Oh well

  9. Christina says:

    Very cool to see something new and different, you’ve got such a great writing style, I’m very eager to see what you put up here next! I’ll try to read your posts on time instead of several days late now. Promise.

  10. Brett says:

    ROBERT IS CHANGING HIS SITE AGAIN!? EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIEEEEEEE! BLACK IS WHITE, WHITE IS BLACK… Wait this means I’m black… Do I automatically have street cred or do I have to put skill points into it? Is it like a charisma stat? Can I duel wield Glocks without an lowering my damage due to it being an exotic weapon? Is this comment vaguely racist? ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE WILL BE ANSWERED NEXT TIME ON “BRETT POSTS ON ROBERT’S EVER CHANGING BLOG!” TUNE IN NEXT TIME! TRUE BELIEVERS!

  11. Robert says:

    Forts,

    It just wouldn’t be the same if you weren’t here to give everybody sexual nightmares.

    Christina,

    I do not demand promptness. I demand entire bags of brown M&Ms, and an almost murderous devotion to every single letter I type, but promptness is not necessary. Thank you.

    Brett,

    BRETT WATCH OUT BRETT! BRETT TOMORROW THIS IS GOING TO BE A COOKING SITE! THEN IT’S GOING TO BE A PORN SITE! THEN IT’S GOING TO BE A COOKING PORN SITE! BRETT IT’S ALL GONE WRONG!

  12. Anon says:

    Okay.

    You do not like the cat because you prefer dog(cock)s.

  13. Robert says:

    Also, the cat is a girl. So no animal cock to suck, clearly.

  14. tojo2000 says:

    Okay, I see sandwich eyes, eyebrows, mouth…but what’s that piece of cheese on the left supposed to be?

    Oh, God, what did you do to his other ear?!

    Glad to hear that this site is a victim of your success and that your lack of proper pants is not due to being unable to afford them.

  15. Muledriver says:

    You know what? You’re right.

    Fuck that cat.

  16. Luke says:

    You think you like Guinness, but you have never had it. Guinness does not exist outside of Ireland, though it’s kinder that you’ve never had the real stuff and can therefore endure, even enjoy the dark shadow that stands for it abroad.

    Looking forward to more Robertitude!

  17. Brett says:

    Cooking porn you say? I approve… yo… fo’ rizzle…

  18. Duh says:

    YAY now i can finaly stalk you, not realy though

    all i realy want some awesome sexy sexy humour witch you hapen to write with copious amounts of awesomely sexy dick jokes

    awesome like a sexy giant squid that shoots awesome sexy lazers made of stripers on fire out of every orifice

  19. Jimmy says:

    So long as you still link to your columns so I get my robot punch’s worth I’ll keep coming back, unless all your new fiction really fucking sucks.

  20. Robert says:

    Luke,

    I hear alternating opinions on that. There was a 10 thing about guinness article on digg the other day that disputes your theory. How many diggs does your opinion have again?

    Duh,

    Meet fortesque; you can make strange things happen together.

    Jimmy,

    Yeah, I will get better about linking to the columns. I’ll see if I can’t put two feature spaces in to link to both during the week. And it won’t be just fiction. Basically, if you read the old I Fight Robots, before the science theme, you’ll like the new one.

  21. Muledriver says:

    Duh, Meet fortesque; you can make strange things happen together.

    A love connection.

    This site is changing.

    Now, it’s like eHarmony with dick jokes.

  22. Watty says:

    Oi!

    Look oo’s “shifting directions” like the flouncy ponce ‘at he is.

    You know, shite by any other name is still SHIIIIIITE.

    MOOSE SHIIIIITE!

    Prat.

  23. Robert says:

    Mule,

    Can we call it DickHarmony?

    Watty,

    I am totally bringing you back soon.

  24. Snocket says:

    When I welcome your website into my way, I wonder where I would be without it. Were it to wither away, would i weep? i would.

    Wow that sucked. Please keep writing so I don’t have to.

  25. chuck says:

    man you’re fucking awesome, really. Your stuff here and at Cracked is brilliant and i really look forward to read more and more.

    OH! and pleeeeeease keep using twitter!! your random hilarious posts always make my days.

    Keep up the good work!

  26. smoky says:

    ok am i the only one who totally sees through Watty’s horible attempt at a cockney accent?
    i am incredibly close to serouisly considering being offended.

    cockneys dont say “flouncy”

  27. Rimpy says:

    I applaud your decision and congratulate you on your success. I also want to thank you for keeping my link through the many changes to the look of the blog. I am looking forward to reading more of your hilarious personal thoughts.

  28. Smart-Maker says:

    Well Brockway, you win the prestigious AwesomeWriter/AwesomeBeard Award. If only you knew were Finland is. None the less, I will continue to worship everything you do. Martin is a much cuter dog than Roger. Are these the dogs whose cocks you keep talking about?

  29. Travis says:

    Congratulations on all of your success man. I really enjoy reading your stuff in all of it’s varied dick-laden forms.

    But your sandwich monster scares the holy beejesus out of me.

  30. Robert says:

    Smart-maker,

    Do I not know where Finland is? And for the record, we call the light one “Riggs” and the dark one “Rog,” because that’s how they are referred to in the movie. Accuracy is important when naming dogs after Lethal Weapon.

    Travis,

    This is why I devour the sandwich monster. I am truly a hero.

    Chuck,

    Thanks, dude. Have you checked out Atom yet? I work hard over there too, and have had some pretty good stuff posted. Also, I’m really enjoying twitter so far. It’s just nice to write a few quick jokes without fear of being called a fucktard by a norwegian dungeon master.

  31. JD says:

    NO ONE CARES WHAT YOU DO, ROBERT!!!

    Just don’t stop being funny. And I also agree, fuck that cat.

  32. Smart-Maker says:

    You still didn’t answer my question. Are you avoiding it, because of some deep-seated childhood drama involving dog rape? If so I apologise for possibly sending you over the edge. (Get it? Edge? Like Reuna-Maa?)

  33. deadlytoque says:

    Man, you know me, I will read this shit no matter what you put on it because I AM SECRETLY CYBER-STALKING YOU! AND NOW I HAVE SEEN YOUR TRUE FACE… and… um. Whatever, I forgot what I was saying and am too lazy to go back and read it.

    Keep on rocking, we’ll keep on reading.

  34. 9toes says:

    Well, fuck. I found you less than a month ago, and now…now this. I don’t know that I can continue my workday, I’m going to have to go home and drown my e-sorrows in a case of Guinness.

    And, really…fuck that cat.

  35. Robert says:

    JD,

    I…I care what I do? I count, right?

    Toque,

    It’s not a secret if you type it openly – how can I have a league of stalkers that validate my fame if they keep outing themselves?!

    9toes,

    Like I said, I have several weekly columns that will keep this stuff up, and I’ll update the science section whenever there’s something good. Also, I’ll still be writing regularly, it’s just less themed. So buck up, soldier! Life is happiness and butterflies if you put a smile inside your mind!

  36. Robert says:

    Smart-Maker,

    You were really demanding an answer about dog cocks? The backstory is that one of the anonymous posters here is trolling me by constantly implying that I suck dog cocks on every post. It has since become somewhat of an in joke. We good?

  37. 9toes says:

    ~Robert
    “So buck up, soldier! Life is happiness and butterflies if you put a smile inside your mind!”

    I commenced punching myself in the face until candy fell out, in a futile effort to numb the pain of the above statement.

  38. 9toes says:

    On another note, I’ve just read through all of your work on Cracked. In honor of your craftmanship, I’ve removed my shirt and painted “Uneasy” on my chest.

  39. Deceptoid says:

    Dog cocks, huh.

    I guess you can safely say you have made it as a comedy writer when you’re regularily accused of giving head to dogs.

    Must make it all worth while.

    I’m down with the new direction. Keep it up.

  40. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    I’ve got to hand it to you Robert, nice job. For a while I thought you were a homosexual, but then you showed us a picture of someone you don’t even know and said “This is my girl friend. She totally exists.”
    Bravo.

  41. Darkmage says:

    As long as I can still get a hit on the (science) Crack-pipe when I need it, it’s cool.
    I like your writing style so the subject does not matter greatly to me.

    Cats can go fuck themselves!
    DOGS FTW!

    Also, your girlfriend is HOT! Kudos.

  42. Robert says:

    9toes,

    Glad to see you’re on board; I think it will be a better world if we all had our emotional states painted on our bare torsos. Currently, I’m sporting ‘sex anger.’

    Darkmage,

    You’re absolutely right; I should be congratulated on the hotness of my girlfriend. This is an acceptable thing to say over the internet…

  43. Muledriver says:

    I used to play drums in a band called ‘Sex Anger’.

  44. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    You can’t ignore me forever Robert! The truth will be told! I will shout the truth from the roof tops!

  45. Brett says:

    Really mule? I used to play the Zoraxe in band called the Indigo-Gos.

  46. Jason says:

    Hey, where can I find some Gorby?
    Is this the Beerjumblee.com comments?

    Hats.

  47. Robert says:

    Mule, Brett,

    I suggest – nay, demand – that we start up an internet band devoted solely to the anger one feels after sexual intercourse. I would like to call this band “FUCK! I JUST FUCKIN’ FUCKED!”

    Seib,

    Say something not obviously trolly and I’ll respond. I’m not actively ignoring you, it’s just…what am I supposed to say to that kind of comment? Pretend I’m angry? That I haven’t heard it before? That it interests me in the slightest? I dunno, dude. It just bores me.

    Jason,

    You can find Gorby in your heart, where it will always be. You can also find it at The Horse Brass, in your liver, and in the toilet the next morning.

  48. The Girlfriend says:

    I’m really Robert’s girlfriend. I am real. I just go to a different school across town and you totally have never met me, but I’m real.

    Also, he’s totally felt up my boobs and it was good.

    Also, he is a master in the bedroom. Candles and rose petals every time.

    I let him play video games after/while making out and sometimes I rub his feet. While he plays these video games.

    Is Robert king of the nerds yet? Can I get my yacht already?

  49. 9toes says:

    ” nay, demand – that we start up an internet band devoted solely to the anger one feels after sexual intercourse. I would like to call this band “FUCK! I JUST FUCKIN’ FUCKED”

    Sweet, I play bass. This means that my participation in this e-band will be a joke in and of itself, as everyone knows Bassists don’t get laid. I propose we change the name to “FUCKIN’ FUCK! I JUST DON’T GET FUCKED!”

    That or…just go with “Dog(cocks)”. In that case, however, I’m switching to Theramin…ist, if there is indeed such a thing.

  50. 9toes says:

    @seib

    While I can’t attest to the existence of The Girlfriend, I can with absolute certainty tell you that the picture of this “Girlfriend” was indeed taken in the vicinity of his house.

    …I recognize his porch.

  51. Danny Scully says:

    Mr. Brockway, i’ve really enjoyed your cracked articles since you started over there, and thought your article here on the flying death machine thing the air force was developing was funny as hell. But i don’t think you, or any other online humor site will top the paragraph you wrote in the comments section:
    “BRETT WATCH OUT BRETT! BRETT TOMORROW THIS IS GOING TO BE A COOKING SITE! THEN IT’S GOING TO BE A PORN SITE! THEN IT’S GOING TO BE A COOKING PORN SITE! BRETT IT’S ALL GONE WRONG!”

    I don’t know why i think thats the funniest thing ever but i think i may have injured myself laughing at that.

    Keep up the good work Mr. Brockway

  52. Robert says:

    Dearest The Girlfriend,

    They are never going to believe me now. I told you; you only get paid if they believe me!

    9toes,

    Just because I got a bitch on my porch don’t mean I’m tied down and shit. Sometimes a man’s just got porch bitches, you know? [/Kenny Powers]

    Scully,

    I want to believe you. See what I did there? Did you see it? I hope you saw it.

  53. Disco Stu says:

    Heh, you named the white dog after the white guy and the black dog after the black guy. That is the sort of thing I find funny.

    If you keep writing mate, I’ll keep reading.

  54. Robert says:

    Stu,

    I did so because I have always wanted to be the chief of police from those movies, and I hoped that any time they did something wrong I could be all “YOU’RE A LOOSE CANNON, RIGGS. WE DON’T NEED RECKLESS VIGILANTES ON THIS DOG-FORCE.” Instead they look at me sweetly, and I go “aw, it’s okay buddy.” I am continually disappointed with me.

  55. 9toes says:

    Rob ~

    Porch bitches ain’t shit.

  56. Smart-Maker says:

    9toes
    That’s right. They are Porch Bitches. Great observational skills.

  57. Rachel says:

    I’ve been a fan since your old timey LJ days and I will tolerate you in whatever direction you go. Even if it is Liberal Studies, like some goddamn hippie.

  58. Robert says:

    Rachel,

    I did not want to be such a dirty hippie! They MADE me! THEY MADE ME DO THIS!

  59. Reigning in Spain says:

    Wow Robert. I go away for a month and you turn my world upside down. Well, after reading these newest posts and your stuff on cracked my initial suspicions were confirmed. I assumed that I’d love whatever you write as long as you’re writing, regardless of subject matter, I was right. I love read your reflections on science, foreign movie posters, soul calculus. I love reading your science fiction and cracked fanfiction. You’ve given me hours of laughter and a wonderful way to destroy my productivity. Thank you sir. Someone summed it up there in the comments, but it bears repeating: as long as you keep on writing, we’ll keep reading. Congratulations on your recent successes and again, thank you.

    P.S. Fuck that first poster

  60. Reigning in Spain says:

    Oh by the way. I know you’re not specifically focusing on science anymore, but I think we can both appreciate shooting obscenely high powered lasers at minscule spheres for the purposes of making miniature suns.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Livermore_National_Laboratory

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inertial_confinement_fusion

    The fact that you were one of the first people I thought of when I read about this means you’ve profoundly affected me. Which is slightly disturbing considering we’ve never met. Looks like you have a new internet stalker. I have a few friends in Oregon, so at least I have a fun group activity planned when I go visit them.

  61. Robert says:

    Spain,

    Thanks for the links, homey. I’ve already got this one down though, it’ll be in my book under “green energy.”

    Thanks more for the support! Some people throw a fit when you change things, but it seems overall people are with me. Glad you’re sticking around! Please don’t masturbate in my bushes.

  62. Muledriver says:

    Yeah. The designated masturbation area is to the right of the bushes.

    Unless that’s been changed.

    Again.

  63. DevilsAdvocate says:

    Umm… I was just really impressed that you actually answer the responses. I’m a fan, though I won’t go back to Oregon to stalk you. The white trucks of the state have made it clear that I am not welcome. Anyway, Enjoy your Cracked articles, and will try to read all of the ones here, too.

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