Monthly Archives: January 2008

A serious discussion of why ‘Chuck Norris Facts’ need to stop now.

The internet would have you believe Chuck Norris is the messiah of tough guys. Ironic hipsters love Chuck Norris because of the joke facts started on the internet, cutting edge ironic hipsters hate Chuck because some people like him and … Continue reading

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Prince: I do not have the keyboard functionality to make your symbol.

I would like to talk about sex. Or, as you may more commonly know him, Prince. In case you are unfamiliar, Prince is a man who, in all likelihood, has had sex with your mother so many times he is … Continue reading

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I will pencil in your surfboard platypus.

The girlfriend thought she might have been misrepresented by the schedule I posted yesterday. She is rather insistent that she would not ‘punch bigfoot in his fucking face,’ but rather befriend him and go on adventures. She believes I should … Continue reading

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I will pencil in your anger.

Yesterday, I posed a question to my girlfriend: “Would you help me shave the cat?” I asked this of her because I hate the cat, you see. To which she replied, “Eh, if I don’t have anything else going on.” … Continue reading

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The sun, she burns.

My internet has been down for a couple of days, which gave me plenty of time to go outside, get some exercise, bask in the glow of loved ones, and read some great literature. I didn’t do any of those … Continue reading

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Secret wishes

I want a T-shirt that reads “I toured a T-shirt factory and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” I want a beer that makes you temporarily shrink an inch or two for every one you finish, because I think … Continue reading

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Rock, raptors, and regrets.

So I’m lying there last night, my stomach once again struggling nobly, but ultimately futilely to turn sandwiches into poop, when it makes a sound that is quite clearly, “war on owls.” It’s soft, but distinct. It continues on to … Continue reading

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