Morgui – The Stalker Robot

This jaunty chap is Morgui.

allo guvnor!

Morgui, which is Mandarin for ‘ghost,’ is programmed to observe how human beings interact with him. Or, to put in a more suitably creepy way: Morgui likes to watch. He is equipped with eight sensory arrays covering all five of the human senses, plus a few more. Hopefully, one of those new extra-sensory observational tools can monitor when children are about to stroke out from fear, otherwise I think we’ve solved that whole population boom issue. You see, Morgui was originally designed to interact with children. Luckily, in a rare bout of rationality, the University of Reading where Morgui dwells (in darkness eternal, perhaps) has banned the robot from interacting with anybody under 18. You can see an R-rated movie with a parent or guardian at any age, and you can see an NC-17 movie at the titular 17. Everything that requires you to be older than 17 has a different rating.

That’s right, Morgui is X-Rated. Morgui’s horror is so obscene, it has actually been deemed pornographic.

suck it, tell me you'll suck it

Why? Well, aside from looking like the Terminator with your grandpa’s teeth, Morgui also has a few other terrifying quirks. He is not a passive observer, for one. He changes facial expressions in response to stimuli, which is a little unsettling, sure. But his most fearsome aspect? In order to help him more completely observe you, his motion tracking skills allow him to follow you about the room. And, presumably, also out of the room, down the street, in your car, and possibly into the bushes outside of your bathroom, as depicted here:

never sleep again

Did we need to build a better stalker? Did the Stalker’s Union feel technologically ill-equipped to masturbate in your closet when you’re at work? Did they need three entirely new senses, just to rifle through your underwear drawer? Why did we need a notice from the University’s Ethics Committee to not sic the stalker bot on children, specifically? As a child, I was scared shitless by the Wheelers from Return to Oz. I had nightmares for years, and to this day I shudder to think of them. You know what the Wheelers were? Tall people on roller skates. I guess what I’m getting at here is simple:

YOU DO NOT NEED A SUPER-SENSORY ROBOT TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF CHILDREN AND STALK YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

You can scare kids just fine with a well-timed loud noise, and if you truly require outside assistance to stalk your girlfriend, I’m available weeknights after five and every other weekend. There’s only a one-time nominal fee and, of course, all the panties I can eat.

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20 Responses to Morgui – The Stalker Robot

  1. deadlytoque says:

    OK, you know a robot shouldn’t interact with kids when the picture loads up and a 26-year-old lawyer (that would be me) jumps a little and then says “oh, good, science has finally given us a robo-demon. DOOM will soon be a reality.”

    I bet this fucking thing was born when science taunted Zeus with lasers. Such an unholy combination of technology and terror could only have come from the obscene copulation of lasers and lightning: mankind’s coolest invention meets one of nature’s scariest events, AND LO, MORGUI HAS COME ANON! MAKE PEACE, FOR THE END IS NIGH!

  2. Nexox says:

    These people apparently didn’t realize that to make something look humanish, you need to do more than an anamatronic skull. Remember how skeletons are regularly thought of as monsters? Remember how things without skin generally range from “creepy” to “you must sign a waiver, have a healthy heart, not smoke, and not be pregnant to view this”?

    Slap a little pink latex on that thing and then it’d just look kinda weird… Or like that sex bot you mentioned earlier. Probably with somewhat less attractive looking lips, however.

  3. Nick says:

    Robert,
    What this article left me wondering was where you find the photos for your articles. Assuming that you did not take that picture yourself, did you just type “five naked women in a bathtub” into Google Image Search? Fivenakedwomeninabathtub.com? Do you have the rights to that photo?

  4. Robert says:

    Did you look carefully at the window of that picture?

    I typed “when you see it, you’ll shit a brick” into google image search.

  5. Muledriver says:

    Whooooooooooooooooo….FUCK.

    I just went back and looked at that picture.

    Shit a brick…yeah, I did.

    FREAKY.

  6. Robert says:

    Deadlytoque,

    By “taunting Zeus with lasers,” are you by chance referring to the time Ronny James Dio used his doctorate in advanced physics to fire a laser into the sky that causes lightning? Do you believe this robot was by proxy a feat of Dio?

    Do y….do you think he hates us that much?

  7. Dres F.C. says:

    Longtime reader, second time poster. I was wondering if you could check out our new site http://www.TheMiddlestChild.com It would be cool if you checked it out and even better if you liked it! ya!

    Thanks man.

  8. deadlytoque says:

    Robert:

    Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I meant. I think that Dio’s insane challenge to the natural order created this beast. Even Dio sometimes takes actions the consequences of which he cannot predict.

    And since Dio spawned it, only Dio can destroy it!

    DIO VS MORGUI: ROCK BATTLE FOR THE FATE OF THE EARTH!

  9. Robert says:

    Jesus.

    I actually do not know which one of them is more metal. I never thought I’d see the day where I was like “sorry, Ronny James Dio, I just don’t know if you’re metal enough for this challenge.”

    THIS IS INDEED THAT DAY, DIO.

  10. StoatLad says:

    If Dio has fallen from grace, we are surely without hope.

  11. Charles says:

    Did I miss something? Did I imagine other posts after this?

  12. Robert says:

    There were, and are, they’ve been set to private while the traffic kick from my guest column at cracked dies down. I’ll bring them back in a week or so…

  13. Wonderfully hilarious blog! Thanks for adding me to the list of Cracked Whores.

  14. Robert says:

    Thanks for being such a whore!

  15. Pingback: Cyborg Flasher Shoots Penis at General Public — ifightrobots.com

  16. WTF says:

    Message: I somehow stumbled upont his website, not really sure how. I’m not really sure what you are all talking about, but i do think you guys are all weird fucks that need a life.

  17. Robert says:

    According to your trackback info, you came here from AOL.

    So your confusion is perfectly understandable, considering that you are stuck fifteen years in the past. If I saw these things in 1994, I would have reacted with fear and uncertainty as well. I know not how you have ventured through time, but I have something very important to tell you: The dot com bubble will not last! The housing market will crash as well! Don’t be in New York September 11th, 2001! I can’t reveal too much lest time itself rend asunder, but for god’s sake man – heed my warnings!

  18. TruerThanFact says:

    Love. This. Site. So. Much.

    Sorry for the excessive population, but since the skull monsters from Zelda are now in existance, I think it is warranted. Thank you for the warnings, o great internet prophet.

  19. TruerThanFact says:

    Ahh! Punctuation, I meant. I assume excessive population was what this monstrosity was created to prevent. I for sure never want to have sex as long there is a possibility that that thing is watching

  20. voice of reason says:

    You think that’s a real clubfoot she’s got there? 2x as bad as ole ‘last thing you want on you shelf when you come home drunk, horny and bi-curious’ up there… keep things in perspective. You need to make a conscious decision to interact with the most expensive squicking-trainer ever… she could just spring her ‘Tom Dempsey Tribute Appendage’ on you at Any Time. Any Fucking Time Man.

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