10 Mustache Stereotypes That Must Be Stopped

There’s a new column up at Cracked, concerning the recent, ironic resurgence of the moustache, with terrifying pictures of the horrible consequences. My own moustache makes a guest appearance in this column, insisting it’s only going to crash out on the couch for a few days. It, of course, greatly overstays its welcome, leaves its socks on the table, and gets caught boning a soul-patch on the article’s bed. Digg it for confusing analogies!

M. Night Shyamalan is Making a Trilogy. Of Movies. Really.

New column up at Cracked which, as you may have guessed by the title, is about M. Night Shyamalan’s new trilogy of thrillers. Now, I don’t want to spoil anything… but I absolutely do that a lot of times in this article. So I guess that was a lie. I want to spoil a lot of things. I just…I just hate that you’re happy. But hey, to make it up to you: There’s some jokes about lesbians and particle colliders in there. Fun for the whole family. Digg it!

Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventure: Fuck the Future

New Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventure up at Cracked. In this one, we follow the plight of a man who, through poor decision-making skills and the influence of drugs, engages in a wacky adventure that, ultimately, is not what it seems! There’s at least one madcap antic and two zany misunderstandings in this one, and if you click now, I’ll throw in a shenanigan!

5 Bizarre Real Life Gangs That Put ‘The Warriors’ To Shame

New column up at Cracked, and it might actually help with the disillusionment you’ve been nurturing ever since you first saw Boyz N The Hood and realized that real gangs are not baseball themed samurai with unique flame-based superpowers. Well, as much as that CAN be helped, anyway. Digg it for proving that videogames and comic books, if anything, were actually being tastefully subtle in their depiction of gang life.

5 Real Robots Built to Love You…To Death.

New column up at Cracked, and it’s ostensibly about the inherent pitfalls of imprinting human emotion onto cold, unfeeling machines. But honestly, if one were to break down the list, you’d find it’s mostly just saying “hey Science, stop building creepy robot children that want hugs. Nobody wants that.” You’d think that’s the kind of thing that goes unsaid, but apparently Science needs some reminding. Digg it here before the unsettling robot children start singing (that only happens right before they strike).

The Sociopath’s Guide to Owning and Maintaining Classic Cars

New column up at Cracked, wherein I relay all the little insights I’ve learned in buying and fixing up a classic car so far, and also apparently suffer some sort of emotional breakdown that is partially about my parents, but mostly about the alcohol and poor impulse control. Oh, and like all of my columns, there’s a good chunk of it devoted to stabbing robots in the eyes. Digg it here because you miss your daddy, or because you fucking hate robots. Both are valid reasons.

The 5 Weirdest Products on the Web, One Disturbing Night

New column up at Cracked, where I combine all the things you love: Rollerblading, the little seen sequel to The Wizard of Oz, prostitutes, Yelp reviews, Applebee’s appetizers, my fucking roommate Doug, Eiffel Towering, robot clones, and of course, responsible product reviews. Digg it, for…for some reason! Man, even I don’t know what this one is about.

The U.S. Army’s Weed Weapon: A Paranoid But True Conspiracy

This week’s column, up now at Cracked, involves the United States Armed Forces, chemical weapons, marijuana, Wonder Woman arch-nemeses, temporarily gaining complete immunity to fire, strippers getting railed on top of toolbenches, regrets, hippies, and of course, invisible chickens all coming together as one very real, very bizarre clusterfuck funded by your (or more likely, your grandpa’s) tax dollars. Digg it here, or be displaced in time by my weed-gun!

For Dio: The Only Appropriate Tribute

New column up at Cracked, because sometimes the only way to mend a broken heart is to fuse it back together with hellfire. And shit: Let’s not forget that Frank Frazetta died last week too. This is a terrible fucking time to be awesome. Digg it here, or be hurled from the rainbow bridge into the abyssal void of hell.

A Probably True Story About a Now Infamous Moron

There’s a new column up at Cracked, and I’ll be honest here: At first you’re going to think it’s incredibly stupid and pointless. And hell – you’d be right. But if you stick with it to the end, it will perhaps be incredibly stupid and pointless in slightly different way than you thought. Digg it for Slightly Different Ways (also the name of my knock-off Journey cover band) or just for the new and exciting subgenre this article invents: Steampunk Stoner Fiction.