The U.S. Army’s Weed Weapon: A Paranoid But True Conspiracy

This week’s column, up now at Cracked, involves the United States Armed Forces, chemical weapons, marijuana, Wonder Woman arch-nemeses, temporarily gaining complete immunity to fire, strippers getting railed on top of toolbenches, regrets, hippies, and of course, invisible chickens all coming together as one very real, very bizarre clusterfuck funded by your (or more likely, your grandpa’s) tax dollars. Digg it here, or be displaced in time by my weed-gun!

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For Dio: The Only Appropriate Tribute

New column up at Cracked, because sometimes the only way to mend a broken heart is to fuse it back together with hellfire. And shit: Let’s not forget that Frank Frazetta died last week too. This is a terrible fucking time to be awesome. Digg it here, or be hurled from the rainbow bridge into the abyssal void of hell.

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A Probably True Story About a Now Infamous Moron

There’s a new column up at Cracked, and I’ll be honest here: At first you’re going to think it’s incredibly stupid and pointless. And hell – you’d be right. But if you stick with it to the end, it will perhaps be incredibly stupid and pointless in slightly different way than you thought. Digg it for Slightly Different Ways (also the name of my knock-off Journey cover band) or just for the new and exciting subgenre this article invents: Steampunk Stoner Fiction.

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The Meeting That Led to the New JJ Abrams Trailer (Probably)

There’s a new column up at Cracked, where I explore the logic behind the “hot” “new” marketing campaign for J.J. Abrams secret project, Super Eight. Seriously, you guys: The last time he did this was for Cloverfield, and the only “secret” that movie was hiding was adult illiteracy. I loved it, but it was downright mentally deficient and there was no justification for keeping its plot, “big monster eats pretty dudes on shaky cam,” ultra classified. Let’s not fall for it again. Digg it for the reasonable control of expectations, or for God possibly liking anal (things got weird in there at the end).

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Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventure: Fuck This Lost World

New installment of the Choose Your Own Drug-Fueled Misadventure series is up on Cracked. In this edition, our protagonist finally sobers up and decides to begin the long and arduous process of rebuilding his life. Or maybe he overdoses on hallucinogens and explodes an ape with karate. It’s one or the other, I’m pretty sure. You can Digg it here for me finally realizing that drug culture is a damaging culture, or for fictionally advocating the murder of primates. Whichever.

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Why Ebert is Wrong: In Defense of Games as Art

There’s a new column up at Cracked, in response to this whole Roger Ebert Vs. Video Games fiasco. I saw a debate long since beaten to the ground, the participants smothered by the press of the crowd, everybody just desperately trying to get their foot in a door where every inch is already occupied by feet, and I thought “Hey, me too!”  Digg it because I alone am a beautiful and unique snowflake shining in a blizzard of stupidity and incompetence (obviously).

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A Pledge to Conan from the Fans Who Got Him Into This Mess

There’s a new column up at Cracked, where I promise to try to remember to try to support Conan maybe. Also, I shed some light on the oft-overlooked controversy surrounding Jay Leno and George Lopez and the many, many women, nuns, young boys, beloved household pets, priceless works of art, malnourished orphans and religious figures they may or may not have raped. Digg it to support a genuinely kind and funny man, or just because of the part where I burn down a clown college!

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