My book is available for pre-order!

Holy shit, the day is finally here! My book, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody, is finally available for pre-order! You can get it the cheapest from Amazon right here, or you can order from Borders as well. Amazon even has a pretty decent pic of the cover too. If it’s the kind of thing you’re into, I’ll gladly sign and return any book sent to me when they come out. Oh, and don’t worry: I’ll be inundating you with these links every day for the rest of your natural life. I could tell you were worried that I wouldn’t do that. So put yourself at ease and buy my damn book!

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30 Responses to My book is available for pre-order!

  1. deadlytoque says:

    Click click, it’s on my Amazon wishlist. I’ll make my order as soon as I can put together $40 worth of stuff to avoid shipping.

  2. MrScrewU says:

    I live in South America, and I am ordering that book as long as it meets my expectations:
    1. I want it to be so fucking manly, violent, and imprudent, that if anyone dares to read it alloud, it would grow a cock made entirely of granade sharpnel and proceed to rape him/her in the eyes.
    2. I want it to be so insanely full of swearing (or at least it’s book equivalent) that reapiting or quoting of a paragraph would result on a rap battle crowd grows around it.
    3. I want it to be so revealing that at the mere sight of it, newborns would grow a beard, start smoking cigars, and go get themselves some porn.
    4. I want it to fuck the wii, cause being THE gay console on the market (Just look at the wiimote, it looks like fucking albino sponge bob squarepant’s dong. Yeah I seem to have issues) it would like it.
    Can I count on you and your book Robert?

  3. tojo2000 says:

    I pre-ordered it. This had better be good or I will turn into Manimal and hunt you down.

  4. Muledriver says:

    Ordered. SWEET.

  5. Robert says:

    Toque,

    Just order it four times! Problem. Fucking. Solved!

    MrScrewU,

    Nope! Not in the slightest. This is mostly about science and fear. If it were a metaphorical entity, it would put on a pretty pretty dress and try to teach a dachshund how to waltz.

    Tojo,

    You cannot turn into Manimal because you are not Manimal. Don’t you fucking Manimal me, buddy. This isn’t my first time in the ring.

    Mule,

    You were one of the few that was going to get a free copy! You’re in the damn acknowledgements!

  6. Fortesque says:

    Here, take my money. Give me awesome.
    I shall now dance. WITH FISTS.

    Amazon will be violated until they deliver.

  7. Robert says:

    This is what I do: I am a currency exchange. I turn money into awesome.

    Also, Forts, you’re Eastern European right? Did you order from the German Amazon? I know they only have the English version, but I’m interested to know what’s going on over there. They’re not technically supposed to have it…

  8. deadlytoque says:

    Brockway, can you send me an email at my super-secret hidden email address? I have some questions to ask you about the publication biz, if that’s cool.

  9. Fortesque says:

    Looks pretty much like the other books I’ve got. I pay the shipping (probably more than for the US). Wait longer (month or three weekish). The postman tosses the book into the yard. I pray it is not a rainy day and that the druggies/gypsies/midgets/well meaning neighbors do not “borrow”.

    I order from .com.

    Though I believe German amazon are still offering, though my German is slightly (quite) shitty. Who knows what the Frenchies are doing.

    They are happy to take some extra money and give your package lowest priority mailing to East bumfuck. (In my experience).

    Americans probably get their books in one day. That would be just typical.
    DOWN WITH AMERICA AND YOUR EFFICIENT POSTAL SYSTEM!!!

  10. MrScrewU says:

    Meh, I want to learn to waltz… Ordering next week

  11. Muledriver says:

    Rob,

    No shit? SWEET. Actually, I was going to send my copy and ask you to sign it so when you become famous for a) your writing or b) the 57 dead hookers buried in your crawl space, I can sell that shit on EBay for, like, $100.

    THAT, my friend, will be all the thanks I need.

    In all seriousness, I can’t wait to read it. And thanks for the shout out. That is some cool shit.

  12. Rev JSH says:

    I am a neophyte in the literary jiggery-pokery of this Robert-person, who I already suspect is a hipster robot manufactured by Chuck Klosterman and the great grandson of Charles Fort, and experiences heightened processing capabilities in its satire circuits due to an irony efficiency. But if I knew what the book was about, i’d most likely buy it. Im only six blow jobs away from that $12!

  13. Max says:

    about fucking time
    Im preordering it in the UK
    with our crazy superior pounds
    doesnt say when its coming out though
    I may spontaneously combust

    Max

  14. saus'agej says:

    Finally a book worth buying. It’s been awhile since book burning had any mass public support. NO! seriously, look forward to reading this 🙂

  15. Robert says:

    Forts,

    Thanks dude. It looks like Amazon has it all around the world. I’m a little confused about the entire rights/regions process still, but I can only see it benefiting me in the end, so fuck it.

    Rev,

    It’s a non-fiction book about the apocalypse, but that’s the only part of your message I understood so that’s all you get.

    Max,

    The date all the sites have is April 6th, but I have not been officially told a date yet.

  16. Rev JSH says:

    “Non-fiction about the apocalypse” is probably not the description you should use on amazon. The nuclear, zombie or robot apocalypse? Is it a preparedness guide, a likely scenario overall, or poetry about? Not trying to nit pick you here, but hey, for twelve dollars I could buy the Rick James biography. Compete, man, compete.

  17. Robert says:

    Is there seriously no description whatsoever on Amazon or Borders?

    Oh, shit. There isn’t. What the the hell? Why not?

    All right, I’ll bite: I was being literal. It is a non-fiction comedy book about the apocalypse. All of the apocalypse. It is detailing the many ways the world has actually almost ended in the recent past, the real ways that could probably end it right now, and the most viable threats in the very near future. In short, everything here either has or will pose a direct threat to you, the reader. It’s not a fictional “survival guide” or anything. All of this shit is about real science/bizarre natural disasters/freak occurences on an apocalyptic scale. For an example of scale and validity: I chose to reject the Large Hadron Collider because it wasn’t enough of a viable threat. When CNN is airing specials on the world’s largest particle collider creating earth-bound black holes and I don’t consider that valid or threatening enough, you can imagine what made the rest of the book.

    I chose to make it funny because I’m god damn good and I like a challenge.

    That a good enough marketing spiel?

  18. Rev JSH says:

    Perfect! Shpadoinkle.

  19. allezup says:

    hahaha i see they already marked that shit down. you suck brockway. enjoy languishing in the bargain bin with these sycophantic retards. seriously, all these comments are “you’re awesome”. great dialogue.

  20. Rev JSH says:

    Calling strangers “retards” on the internet is surely a much better example of great dialogue. Tell us oh wise allezup, how do we subscribe to your newsletter? I find your ideas and prose fascinating.

  21. allezup,

    All pre-orders are on sale through Amazon. That is the incentive for pre-ordering. The entire concept is based around this. Try not to act quite so retarded while you’re currently calling people retards. It tends to undermine your authority.

  22. Muledriver says:

    You suck Brockway

    I didn’t know Rob had a nemesis.

    I certainly didn’t know his nemesis was one of those popular-guy douchenozzles from an 80s teen comedy.

  23. Rev JSH says:

    Are douchenozzles a popular new japanese candy? Mmm, douchenozzles. Like an explosion of fresh inside my face.

  24. I have a slew of nemeses these last few weeks. I wrote a piece questioning the bible and a piece calling internet tough guys pussies, so it’s to be expected really. But man, there’s not a decent ‘arch’ among them. I guess I should take some solace in the fact that everybody spouting hate for me so far has made a total ass out of themselves while doing it. I’m sure there are plenty of intelligent, reasonable people who don’t like my work, but luckily none of them have come forward yet; it’s just sad, frustrated haters desperately scrabbling onto anything they can get right now, like “LOL UR BOOKS ALREDDY ON SALE” up there.

    I mean honestly, there’s a fair chance that I will fail at what I’m doing (or at least succeed less than completely) but you should really wait until I stop succeeding before you try to rejoice in said failure.

    LOL U GOT A BUK DEEL WIT a MAJER PUBLISHR FOR MORR MONEY THAN U EVER SEEN AND NOW ITS REAL AND KIN BE BAUGHT HAAHA FAIL.

  25. Rev JSH says:

    On the bright side, you have also gained sycophants (apparently). Should you fail in your endeavors you can take them all down with you. Now thats face-fuckingly awesome. When I fail, I still have to pay the hooker.

  26. Jack Burton says:

    Message:I am just glad to see you are doing well, Brockway. Your articles on Cracked are the funniest of the bunch (aside from Seanbaby’s, who is the God of Internet comedy writing). They’re usually so funny I find myself literally crying I am laughing so hard. I can’t wait to read the book.

  27. Muledriver says:

    Are douchenozzles a popular new japanese candy?

    Danish, believe it or not.
    Danish candy, I mean. Not Japanese pastry.
    As for the haters: isn’t there a famous poem that says “If you can keep your head while all the drooling fucktards around you are squealing EPIC FAIL!!1!!Eleventy!111!, then you are truly a man, my son”?
    Answer: Yes, there is. Bonus answer: It was written by Robert Frost’s alcoholic step-uncle.

  28. Rev JSH says:

    I think douchenozzle might also be Kentuckese for Old Irish Rose enemas, but I might have that mixed up with brown-eye brown-baggin’, which is also a great way to make special friends under bridges. The great thing about trying to explain a dead hobo is, that you usually don’t have to.

  29. Coberholt says:

    Message:Just so you know, Robert, the last book I bought was Colbert’s.

    Shit better deliver.

  30. Robert says:

    It depends on who you ordered from. For example, online retailers like Amazon will often deliver, while your local bookstore will most likely insist you come in person to get it.

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