5 Reasons Cracked Loves America (A Message to the FBI)

New column up at Cracked, wherein I shamelessly plead with the FBI to destroy my colleagues and continue turning a blind eye to my many, many criminal activities. That’s what I refer to as “patriotism.” Plus there’s boobies. Digg it here (probably for the boobies, I know.)

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8 Responses to 5 Reasons Cracked Loves America (A Message to the FBI)

  1. Message:Whew, long time since I’ve commented here! Good article. Reminded me of something I saw on Sunday, at the Calgary Stampede: a one-man band, surrounded by children, playing “Rocking in the Free World” in what was either an act of subversive brilliance or utter insanity (Oh yeah, I’m sure those 6-year-olds are really excited to hear you talking about drug moms and Neil Young feeling like Satan).

    Still, even if it was a little of both, it’s good to see that kids are still really impressed by a guy who has a drum strapped to his back, an acoustic guitar at his hip, a harmonica fixed to his neck, and cymbals between his knees.

    Because if kids can’t laugh at that sort of zany, then the Melting Polar Ice has already won.

  2. Spideycow says:

    SHIT!!! He’s back! Everyone hide the weed!

  3. Anon says:

    Your mom is DOB.

  4. Robert says:


    Why….why are you no longer deadlytoque? This is how I know you. I fear and loathe change – you know this!


    Don’t try to hide weed from me. I tithe.

  5. deadlytoque says:

    Message:I mostly just decided not to be anonymous online anymore. I told myself “if fucking Brockway isn’t afraid of Internet murderers, there’s no reason I should be. That guy’s at least 200 times more likely to get stabbed!”

    I can change it back, easily enough.

  6. Robert says:

    You’re assuming Robert Brockway is my real name. I mean, come on, that sounds so made up!

  7. Brett says:

    …It does sound kind of made up….

    Also Robert.

    Snake Eyes wears trousers,
    In the coming G.I. Joe.
    Casual Ninja.


  8. Robert says:

    Excellent work, sir.

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