Ladies, listen up: I have a huge, throbbing, rock hard…inner nerd. And it’s about ready to explode all over your face. Because I just saw this:
I am not generally down for online role playing games. Years of beatings and the occasional sex with women has taught me when to draw the line for nerdish obsessions in order to maintain social viability. Spending sixty hours a week leveling up a Faery-Elf’s Enchanted Loincloth definitely crosses that line. But god damn, look at that video: They will let you be spider-man.
Or even better, they will let you have the best part of spider-man – the acrobatic web-swinging – and leave the rest up to you. You could roleplay a fat bearded Eskimo transvestite named the Ice Queen, and still enjoy the untainted joy of flitting agilely about the city on skyscraper webs. So, shit, whatever Champions Online is, I’m apparently going to be all about it.
But I’m probably never going to actually experience the game. I get too caught up in the character creators of these things to ever actually play them. I spend hours perfecting retardedly awesome character concepts and, by the time I’m done with one, I have an even stupider idea and must move on to the next. I probably never walked a mile in-game on the last one of these comic based MMORPGs, City of Heroes, but I did have a trial account. This is all I did with it:
Yes, it’s just Oscar Wilde with Wolverine’s powers; claws, healing factor, berserker rage and all. I just figured that the fear inherent in being stalked through the thoroughfares of a sleazy, detritus-ridden metropolis by the feral cousin of a notoriously foppish Irish poet – his pink lapels flashing as cat’s eyes in the night, his claws still wet with the blood of Anglophile Poetry Majors – was probably the most bone-chilling, terrifying and yet embarrassing way for a hardened criminal to die.
Rider of the ProleChariot. The Propaganda Machine. The Robot for the Reople, By the People: Fighting the tyranny of unequal pay with unionization, socialism, the collected works of Marx, and of course LASER VISION. All things said, he’s more about unionization than laser vision, but just by a smidge.
The great emancipator was a mighty force for change within this country.
Now, he has a rocket powered hand.
That was clearly the next obvious step, after all. And yes, that is the Lincoln Memorial on his chest, Rocketpunch Lincoln has many virtues, allow him his once vice of vanity. If you had freed the slaves, united a country, and built a steam powered rocketarm to fight evil with, you might be a bit narcissistic yourself. I particularly love how brutal that screenshot is. The villain is clearly dropping to his knees in mercy, and Lincoln just does not give one fuck about it. Abraham Lincoln is going to smash that guy’s face in with his Rocket Arms, and that is that.
My personal favorite by a mile. Something about the idea of dour old Winnie waddling obliviously into an alleyway to find himself surrounded by vicious gangmembers – their switchblades ominously reflecting the dim light from the distant streetlamps – one awkward moment passing before he unleashes a roar of ancient fury and summons forth the powers of elemental stone in order to bash their faces in with a giant rock hammer….well, something in that idea just warms my heart.
And now I can do all that, and web-swing? Oh, nerd-games, you may not ever have my credit card number, by my heart will belong to you forever.