City of Visual Puns

Ladies, listen up: I have a huge, throbbing, rock hard…inner nerd. And it’s about ready to explode all over your face. Because I just saw this:

I am not generally down for online role playing games. Years of beatings and the occasional sex with women has taught me when to draw the line for nerdish obsessions in order to maintain social viability. Spending sixty hours a week leveling up a Faery-Elf’s Enchanted Loincloth definitely crosses that line. But god damn, look at that video: They will let you be spider-man.

Or even better, they will let you have the best part of spider-man – the acrobatic web-swinging – and leave the rest up to you. You could roleplay a fat bearded Eskimo transvestite named the Ice Queen, and still enjoy the untainted joy of flitting agilely about the city on skyscraper webs. So, shit, whatever Champions Online is, I’m apparently going to be all about it.

But I’m probably never going to actually experience the game. I get too caught up in the character creators of these things to ever actually play them. I spend hours perfecting retardedly awesome character concepts and, by the time I’m done with one, I have an even stupider idea and must move on to the next. I probably never walked a mile in-game on the last one of these comic based MMORPGs, City of Heroes, but I did have a trial account. This is all I did with it:

Oscar Wild

Yes, it’s just Oscar Wilde with Wolverine’s powers; claws, healing factor, berserker rage and all. I just figured that the fear inherent in being stalked through the thoroughfares of a sleazy, detritus-ridden metropolis by the feral cousin of a notoriously foppish Irish poet – his pink lapels flashing as cat’s eyes in the night, his claws still wet with the blood of Anglophile Poetry Majors – was probably the most bone-chilling, terrifying and yet embarrassing way for a hardened criminal to die.

The ProletariaTron

Rider of the ProleChariot. The Propaganda Machine. The Robot for the Reople, By the People: Fighting the tyranny of unequal pay with unionization, socialism, the collected works of Marx, and of course LASER VISION. All things said, he’s more about unionization than laser vision, but just by a smidge.

Rocketpunch Lincoln

The great emancipator was a mighty force for change within this country.

Now, he has a rocket powered hand.

That was clearly the next obvious step, after all. And yes, that is the Lincoln Memorial on his chest, Rocketpunch Lincoln has many virtues, allow him his once vice of vanity. If you had freed the slaves, united a country, and built a steam powered rocketarm to fight evil with, you might be a bit narcissistic yourself. I particularly love how brutal that screenshot is. The villain is clearly dropping to his knees in mercy, and Lincoln just does not give one fuck about it. Abraham Lincoln is going to smash that guy’s face in with his Rocket Arms, and that is that.

WinStone Churchill

My personal favorite by a mile. Something about the idea of dour old Winnie waddling obliviously into an alleyway to find himself surrounded by vicious gangmembers – their switchblades ominously reflecting the dim light from the distant streetlamps – one awkward moment passing before he unleashes a roar of ancient fury and summons forth the powers of elemental stone in order to bash their faces in with a giant rock hammer….well, something in that idea just warms my heart.

And now I can do all that, and web-swing? Oh, nerd-games, you may not ever have my credit card number, by my heart will belong to you forever.

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25 Responses to City of Visual Puns

  1. Gar says:

    Wonderfully sums up how I feel about the games, and hilarious characters, too.

    You didn’t here this from me, but characters can also have jet boots. Which you can crank up to eleven, balanced by the fact they might EXPLODE VIOLENTLY if you push them too hard like that.

  2. Gar says:


    In the future I must proofread.

  3. Matt Willard says:

    Rocketpunch Lincoln is my favorite of the bunch. Nothing beats rocket punches. After all, as a giant nerd myself, our animes are full of them.

  4. Darkmage says:

    Message: Nerds unite! I have the exact same problem with almost any game that allows you to design your own characters. Pro Evolution Soccer is the worst! You can design entire teams on that!

  5. says:

    That’s what I did with Spore, and when I finally got around to playing it I was like “This game sucks ass, I’m just gonna make more penis monsters.”

  6. Robert says:


    Jet boots I’ve seen before, but that swinging looks damn fluid to me. That is not something that’s been done in an MMO to date.


    Churchill wins. Sorry. I’ve tested it. Rocketpunch Lincoln wants to be my favorite too, but he just can’t beat the rock hammer of WinStone.


    Unless you can build visual puns about historic leaders with superpowers, your game is not as appealing.

  7. Gar says:

    Looks fluid, and other characters call pull it off with style, but the swinging goes crazy for me. Timing or something.

    Nice little touch: I was coming in too fast while swinging (horizontal, not vertical speed) and my character rolled when he hit the ground, coming to a stop on one knee.

  8. Ken says:

    This was the most perfect thing yet.

  9. Mr H says:

    Message:ploretariatron is probably the most awesome thing EVER

    always loved the socialists, arent them just the most precious thing you’ve ever seen?

    yes they are

  10. I doubt that my inflatible Scarlet Witch sex manneq-..*ahem* girlfriend will be too happy with me spending days and days on this game. She’s already jealous of unhealthy fixation on elderly famous Brittish women – how’s she going to react to catching me creating a scantily clad wonder-twin duo of Helen Mirren and Maggie Smith and their stiff-upper-lips of justice? …Look, she’s already deflati–sad.

  11. Max says:

    Churchill and the Proletiartron were defo my favourites
    I have always loved churchill but then I am english
    I have the same problem, I play so little of the game and get caught up in nerdy character design!

  12. Message:Rider of the ProleChariot!! YES!

  13. Sir Fortesque says:

    I would pay to see an animated battle between the Proletariatron and the combined forces of WinStone Churchill and Rocketpunch Lincon. Money. Or watching the mentioned beat up Oscar Wild. I bow down before this awesome.

  14. Muledriver says:

    This is the concept the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen wants to be when it grows up.

  15. Robert says:



    I thought it wasn’t out yet? You in a beta? How is it?


    I bet you could make a convincing Judy Dench in-game. You could give her water based powers and call her Judy Drench.

    God, I love me.


    Historical pun superhero comics are apparently the perfect genre for Eastern European markets. Surprisingly, I am not surprised.


    I think it’s what retards think the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is, just by flipping through pictures and reading sound effects alone. So basically, like the movie.

  16. Muledriver says:

    Yeah. It’s kind of like Hollywood is intentionally trying to bend Alan Moore over every chance they get.

    Although I did like Constantine although I’d never admit that in publ…

    Ah, shit.

  17. Kurai says:

    Message:I have to agree with Gar that the swing physics need…. work. (The issue is that the rope doesn’t get longer as you gain height, which means you swing the same short distance everytime…. it’s kinda weird.)

    Fun Fact: Pohsyb, one of City of Heroes Developers has a Winston Churchill Character… you need to fight to the death.

    And Champions is in beta. They’re letting current participants refer people if your interested.

  18. Robert says:


    It’s okay, I really liked it too when I first saw it in theaters. I liked it so much that I went out and read through all the old Hellblazer issues for the first time. Now I fucking hate it. How did they do that with the source material? God damn it. Retroactive hate.


    Yesterday I would have reluctantly declined, as my piece of shit desktop has difficulty running a monitor, much less a game to appear on that monitor. However, I just blew a grand at Fry’s building a new monster motherfucker of a desktop, and now I will say yes. I am very interested thank you. I have named my computer Monstro, and we will demolish things virtually.

  19. Kurai says:

    Message:Well alright, I’ll make sure to add ya when Referrals open up again.

  20. Muledriver says:


    I pretty much did the same. I can’t remember where, but at some point the ‘real’ Constantine refers to the Keanu-Constantine as being from a parallel universe.

    Funny ’cause it’s true.

  21. Brett says:

    SOMETHING ABOUT CHAMPIONS AND I’M NOT HERE?! I spent a good couple of hours convincing some one I knew to play the game, mainly because I hated him and had made a hero based on him dressed like a homosexual BDSM slave… He didn’t play anymore after I showed him… Is that awesome or creepy?

  22. Gar says:

    It’s fun. More run-and-gun than most MMOs.

    I made a hero that’s a Hulk-sized guy in a doctor’s coat, stethoscope, and reflector-head-disk thing.

    He punches things and I shout “ANESTHESIA!”

    But because of a nondisclosure agreement, I didn’t tell you any of this.

  23. Gar says:

    Kurai, we can refer people?

  24. Robert says:

    Apparently everybody gets super secret games but me. Fuck your hidden society of uber-nerds, guys. At least until I can be a part of it; then it will be awesome.

  25. Gar says:

    Well, you can always apply if you haven’t already.
    Might take a while, though.

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