I once had a theory that, seeing as how math is the universal language, it should be possible for all things and their parts to be broken down into mathematical expressions. If that’s the case, then all things must have a sum; a solution, a simplified manner of being expressed that is, in effect, their answer. These solutions are not necessarily numbers themselves. They could be literally anything because, as the theory stated before, everything can be reduced to numbers. As human beings, we are but finite matter in an infinite universe, and are therefore subject to all of its laws the same as anything else. So every individual human being must have an answer which effectively reduces them to their simplest expressable state, and that answer could take any form.
Listen: I was high. (Really? Who would’ve thought?)
But if one were to hold this theory as logically sound, well, that’s where The Last Dragon – wait, I’m sorry Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon (apparently there’s quite a few dragons that are last, and we wouldn’t want to get Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon confused with say, Thomas Jefferson’s The Last Dragon. They are completely different dragons,) comes into play.
Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon is not my answer. It is not the final solution to the question that is Robert. But god damn is it ever close.
I was actually afraid to watch this movie, for fear that the combination of Blaxploitation, Kung Fu, and 1980’s breakdancing would fundamentally solve me and I, as I know myself, would cease to exist.
Now, clearly it did not teach me the sum of myself, but I did learn a few things. First, I learned who the Shogun of Harlem was. Now, this is important, so listen: It’s Sho-Nuff.
If he asks you a question, the answer is Sho-Nuff. He may ask who is the baddest, he may ask who is the prettiest, or he may just ask what kind of fabric that cardigan is made of. Regardless, the answer is Sho-Nuff. If your answer is not Sho-Nuff, the next question he will put to you will be phrased in the form of a roundhouse kick to the face. Because learning is important.
Second, I learned that the appropriate reaction for any situation is to do the Robot.
In this movie there are six scenes dedicated exclusively to the Robot. There is a fight scene where the Robot is used to kick an attacker in the face with flair and panache, a relationship scene, where it is used to woo the standoffish heart of a young woman, and an escape scene where the Robot enables a child to slip out of his impregnable rope ties. Clearly this is good information to keep handy.
The next time you’re unclear on which fork one uses for the salad course, and which for the entree? Do the Robot.
Next time you suffer from premature ejaculation? Rooooo-bot.
A good recipe for Pecan Pie: Chop Pecans finely, mix thoroughly with 1/4 cup sugar, 3 tablespoons butter, and 1 egg. Do The Robot for 3 to 3 1/2 hours or as needed, serve, and enjoy!
The next time you find yourself rambling on the internet about mathematical Buddhism’s ties to Berry Gordy and need an exit line?