What’s Your Zombie Contingency Plan?

All the men (and some women) I know have one thing in common: They have a zombie contingency plan. If the zombies arise tomorrow, everybody has at least a hazy outline of what, exactly, they would do to survive the coming onslaught. It’s the single best part about zombies: Planning your strategy. So I asked everybody I could think of to submit their own zombie contingency plans, and this is but a small sample of what I received:

The “I Had a Good Plan But Then I Tripped”Approach

By Robert Brockway
Since I’m planning on criticizing the plans submitted, it’s only fair that I go first. My zombie contingency plan:

I live in the inner city, so I’m pretty well fucked. But I also live in Oregon, which is somewhat sparsely populated outside of the cities. The only way to survive is to get out as fast as possible. To that end, I know that I live within blocks of three things: The Gun Room, the scariest fucking gun shop in America. If you want to kill something, The Gun Room not only has the supplies to do it, but they’d probably do it for you at a reasonable fee. One block away from The Gun Room is The Fur Supply. Apart from having warm, tough, weatherproof hides aplenty, they also have complete hunting/survival materials and several items that could make great melee weapons. Two blocks away from The Gun Room is the Post Office, and the Post Office has a lot of fully fueled, well-maintained, simple, rugged vehicles in their back lot. They have all the keys on premises, and all vehicles come with very few windows, but a lot of storage space for supplies. Some do not have driver’s side doors, but many have pure steel driver’s side doors with old school bolt-locks. They get fair gas mileage, are unlikely to break down, and can handle rugged conditions.

I know the backroads to get through to these areas, and I would not leave my transport until I reached them. I would load up on guns, ammo, hunting/outdoor supplies, then grab a Post Office truck and take those same backroads out east where civilization thins out a bit. Once there, I would raid one of the many towns along the off-routes that have populations among the dozens, if that. A small pharmacy, a feed market and a grocery store are all you need now that you’re supplied with gear and out of the city. There are plenty of those around, so I wouldn’t waste time grabbing anything in a danger zone as hot as the city. Even a roadside gas station has first aid kits, batteries, flashlights and packaged food. I would pick my way back to Central Oregon around the Indian reservations where there is fertile ground and high, flat plateaus in the middle of otherwise flat plains. High ground to defend, structures already built, out of the way, and you can see anybody coming from literally miles away. In the winter it gets cold enough to freeze, but no blizzards or white out conditions exist. I would wait for the winter and see where to go from there – move north and hope for more permanent settlement or just wait out the worst of it until control is restored.

Pros: It is awesome.

Cons: I once ran face first into a sliding glass door. I am not competent enough to do any of this.

The “I Will Miss You Dearly” Approach.

By Meagan Kennedy (my girlfriend)

When the zombies appear and start messing with everything, I’m going to rely on you to have planned everything related to our survival. I’ll steal a pair of Wheelies to wear so I can glide away when I need to make a speedy exit, but I’ll still have good traction when running. I’m also going to pack up our nice sheets because I’m sure you never thought about what linens we would be sleeping on while we’re on the run. Before the internet goes down, I’ll get right on making our Zombie Mix CD. Can we have Fiber One yogurt in the zombie apocalypse? Being constipated wouldn’t help our cause out any…

Pros: It is adorable.

Cons: You will be dead within minutes.

The Feed the Elderly (to Zombies) Approach

By Jennifer Bonesteel

Well, I workout everyday so that I can be faster than a slowly moving shuffle. I also try to hang out with at least one person who is slower than me (obese or elderly) so that when the zombies attack I can leave them to be eaten. I’ll miss my grandma, but a zombie apocalypse is no laughing matter.

Pros: That’s her real name. Jennifer. Fucking. BONESTEEL. I have no doubt she will survive not only survive the apocalypse intact, but quite possibly will do so in a silver rhinestone tanktop, and eventually end up running a methane fueled trading post.

Cons: Lacks detail. Sure you’re going to feed them old people, but where are you going to feed them those old people, and which old people go first? Details are important. Not like old people.

The Eternal Sausage Party Approach

By Thomas Simmons

Start of the outbreak.

Destroy the steps to my front pouch, and barricade the 1st floor windows of my house. Wait for the shit to hit the fan, get as many friends and loved ones over to safety.

Few days Later.

After the mass panic as resided a bit, mainly due to more people being infected and dying. Scavenge as many supplies as possible, I live in a large fraternity house so sticking put my not be such a bad idea. Load up on food, guns, ammo, and supplies. If the outlook for the house is bleak, attempt to clear out and move in to one of the large freshman dorms that were fallout shelters during the cold war.

Weeks later.

Start a small farming operation on the roof of the building, or the court lard of the house depending on the location.

Months later.

If still alive, attempt to lower the zombie population (i.e. kill the fuck out of them.), and look for survivors.

Years later.

Start over? kill as many zombies as possible.

Pros: Low expectations. There is no grand scheming here to distract from the day to day survival, and the simpler a plan of action is, the less that can go wrong.

Cons: You are stuck with frat guys forever. “James Bro-lin, that sounds like a sausage party! Who brought the chicks?” “It’s the zombie apocalypse, Broseph Stalin, no reason we can’t have a kegger!” And so on. You will last two days before the madness takes you.

The “My Head Will Explode Shortly Before Theirs Does” Approach.

By Davis Fyke

Basically using my access to multiple arms and my connections with chief of police dad, I would hunker down in the armory with my guns and crack. All I really need anyways.

Pros: Guns.

Cons: Crack.

The “Don’t Feed The Animals” Approach

By Sarah

Luckily there is a retirement home/community only a few blocks from my house. Plenty of applesauce and boardgames for me; plenty of slow and senile people for the zombies.

Pros: Another plan that relies heavily on feeding old people to the undead. It is nice to see that practicality is taking front seat here.

Cons: Again, lacking in details. It seems like everybody planning on using the elderly as zombie chaff have little else to go off of. What happens when the elderly run out? Much like wild animals, you have taught the zombies to rely on your location to provide free food. The difference being that when you show up without food for the pigeons, their revolt does little but soil your suit, whereas you show up empty handed to a zombie feeding, you end up being that which they soil their suits with.

The “Get By With a (Very) Little Help From My Friends” Approach

By Brett Jones

Alright my plan is actually overall very simple but is broken down into several steps so that they can be altered based on the type of outbreak, heavily infested areas which would be to dangerous to attempt at passing, survivor error and random events out of our control.

Step 1: Determine the type of outbreak.

Is this an airborne strain? Is it necromancy? Is it passed mainly through bites or can in be transferred by clawing or open wounds? Is this the fault of a Biological weapons facility under the guise of a Pharmaceutical company? This also applies to what type of zombies are we dealing with? Are they fast? Are they smart? Can they climb? Have there been odd mutations in the strain ‘causing almost superhuman alterations in some of the victims? Once all these factors are determined THEN and only then may you proceed, because if you just run out of your house waving a machete in hopes that you’ll make it you’ll be deader than Liam Neeson’s wife. (Too soon?)

Step 2: Gather your team.

We’ve all thought about it. If you’re reading these plans right now, you’ve thought about it. If there is an outbreak, who will you take, and who will you leave behind? Sadly enough this usually means leaving your parents and siblings behind unless they have some sort of useful skill. That is all what it boils down to. Do they have a useful skill? It’s a good idea to bring a wide range of skilled persons with you. Bring the strong, the intelligent and even bring yourself a couple of slow moving people to put a bit of meat between you and the horde of ravenous bastards. It’s important though to not bog your team down with too many useless members. You may still have some shred of humanity left in you that makes you want to save that child, but he’s just going to slow you down. Try to keep your team tight and essential.

Step 3: Get some supplies.

Unless you plan on eating canned cranberry sauce for years and beating the infected away with rocks chances are you’re going to need some supplies. The smart zombie survivor already has at least a bladed weapon and a bit of food at the ready, but it won’t last you very long. After your team is together you should head towards a large department store such as Super Target, Wal-Mart or Costco but be sure to scope it out first. Big store means a lot of customers which means a lot of infected. Remember your goal is to survive not be reckless. Now places like Wal-Mart all have an outdoor survival section and this should be your first stop. Grab axes, machetes, saws and everything that might be an essential. Next grab tools and medical supplies and then finally grab food. You’re looking for food that will last a long time, canned food, cereal etc.

Step 4: Move to safety.

Now the common tactic for zombie safety is to find a military base or a heavily fortified area nearby. That’s not enough. With the amount of people who will turn infected you’ll quickly find yourself over run by the horde. The safest option is to steal a puddlejumper aircraft (Befriend some one who can fly a plane) and get to either Hawaii or Alaska. I’m going with Hawaii on this one. One of the small islands is best. Being disconnected from the mainland, there is a good chance that the infection hasn’t spread that far, and if it HAS then with a smaller population to deal with it will be easier to hold back the horde. Yes it is very important when on the island to locate a heavily fortified structure and build up your defenses but it is equally important to locate a supply of food, and tools.

Step 5: Stay smart and stay safe.

Now it is a matter of waiting it out. No doubt you will lose some allies. This comes with the territory. The important part is that you stay alive. Keep your base of operations organized and send out for supplies only when needed. Clear the corpses from the base and always keep some one awake to look out. And always keep your weapons on the up and up. Like Three Dog says “Never forget the importance of periodic weapon maintenance; rifle, pistol, police baton, I don’t care which. If your weapon is falling apart, the only wasteland asshole it’s going to kill is you. So be smart. Salvage those parts and make repairs whenever you can.”

Pros: Comprehensive, complete, and largely lacking in any of that pesky mercy or distracting human sentiment.

Cons: Largely lacking in human sentiment means you are unlikely to “befriend” anybody, much less a puddlejumper pilot. Who will also have nowhere near enough fuel to get to Hawaii. You will die together 1/4 of the way there, silently despising one another as you sink into the ocean.

The “I’m on a boat, motherfucker!” Approach

By Chris Butler

So, I go to school in Maine, and I’m right on the coast. I have a couple of family members who live further up the coast of Maine on an island that’s pretty much 95% redneck hicks, and 5% deer. The plan is essentially this, when the zombie outbreak finally does occur, my cousins are going to hijack the ferry used to shuttle cars from the mainland to the island. They’re going to float her down the coast until they get to my school. Myself, and any other unsullied survivors will swim out to the ferry, where we will begin the trip back to the island where we will make our stand. The amount of guns, alcohol, and pissed off lobster men will ensure a small amount of relative safety until winter and the zombies freeze. Resupply missions will then be sent out to look for survivors and other food. Sadly, or perhaps fortunately, I have discussed this plan in great length with my cousins.

Pros: The ferry transport is a great idea for an organized evacuation.

Cons: Unless you know some ferry captains, you’re probably not getting out of the docks. Survivors swimming to boat could be infected. Lobster men are notoriously unreliable folk.

The “It’s Even Fireproof Because Fire Needs Oxygen to Thrive” Approach

By Jeff Shock

Technically I have 2 zombie plans: fast zombie(ala 28 days later and slow zombie(Shaun of the dead type)
fast zombie is pretty simple : 1st get food and supplies such as spagettios, can foods, Twinkies, etc than procure a nice bank vault and a shotgun aka zombie repellant.

Slow zombie is a bit more scencey: walk (briskly) to a mountainous area that’s hard to climb…. seriously I doubt ill need to run. also it might be preferable to go to a mountain in Alaska as the cold temperatures added to their already low body temps could turn them to corpse sickles

Pros: Multiple plans for multiple scenarios. Too often we fall victim to the arrogant assumption that we know what the zombie apocalypse will be like.

Cons: Bank vault = Low on oxygen, low on supplies, and hard to gain access to. Alaskan mountain = Also hard to gain access to, unless you live on an Alaskan mountain. In which case, you’re most likely there precisely because of the fear of a zombie apocalypse, and probably already have your stores at the ready. You have made your plan and are living it, so congratulations! (P.S. Sweet beard and flannel shirt, Alaskan native! You totally don’t look psycho!)

The “Human Produce” Approach

By Patrick Knasiak

step one: gather “homies” and attempt to keep said “homies” to a decent boy/girl ratio.

step two: gather weapons…we were going to do this by getting my friends husband to donate all his crazy ass hunting equipment so then we would have the guns themselves, the ammo, and the ability to make more ammo (cause most drunken hunters make their own ammo)

step three: invade a grocery store, preferably one that is bigger then a local grocery store, but not as big as a Wal-Mart…reason being, walmarts usually have an insane number of entrances/exits and the small one doesn’t have enough food to sustain said “homies”. also, attempt to find a grocery store that has a liqueur license because (lets be honest) what’s more fun then blowing the heads of the undead while drunk off your ass.

then its pretty much barricade the doors with a heavy object (we figured the ice machine would be heavy enough to block the doors and big enough to cover the whole door, if your ice machine isn’t big enough, then proceed in blowing the fuck out of the zombies that try to get in and use their rotting bodies as a natural barricade…the smell will be annoying at first, but not as annoying as being eaten alive by your dead grandmother) then use the phone to attempt to contact others that perhaps have more guns.

NOTE: if no one is reachable by phone, then hook a music playing device to the overhead speakers and blast some heavy ass death metal, because not only is it fun to kill things while listening to death metal, its also a great way for passersby of an un-zombified nature to know that there are other non-zombies occupying the structure.

Pros: It’s always good to know a drunken, mentally unstable ammunition maker.

Cons: Grocery stores use display windows as basic marketing tools. The front of nearly every grocery store is pure glass to show off the merchandise. It’s the same logic that put those windows there in the first place that is going to screw you: It’s there to put food on display.

The “Uh…what was that first part again?” Approach

By Tanya Silander

Authors note:

I am writing this from a fully and completely realistic point of view, I add none of the frivolous magical properties of a ghoul or zombie, and disregard the illogical completely. “The Zombie Survival Guide” by Max Brooks, takes the first part of the book explaining the virus “Solanum”, and I am going to work off of that idea, using the same name. It is that concept alone that I am working with; that it is a virus. All other concepts are completely scientifically based and we will explore the possibility that a virus such as Solanum exists in nature and that it has the ability to infect a hosts brain cells (neurons), first by entering the circulatory system via bodily fluid interaction of an infected individual and an uninfected individual, and finally making its way to the neuronal cells and manipulating said cells. I will disregard the communicability of 100% used in the book in favour of a more realistic number, 99.4% as used in “the Stand” by Stephen King for a man-made virus (given that that is the most likely scenario for the creation of this virus). Critics may say that this is not a “zombie” contingency plan, and to them I say nay, it depends on your definition of “zombie”. Plus, I find the idea of realism much more horrifying than fiction. Fiction you can brush off as being something implausible… The following may be fiction, but it is very plausible.

Skip this if you don’t give a fuck about biology:

In order to realistically write a zombie contingency plan, one must have knowledge of how a zombie functions in order to exploit their weaknesses, and predict their attacks. I am telling everybody right fuckin now, the anatomy of the zombies outlined in “the Zombie Survival Guide” is impossible. The zombies would disintegrate, with cells lysing on a scale so grand that there is no way they could eat you/pass on the virus before turning into a pile of mush, let alone have the capacity of movement. Therefore, I am about to discredit any possibility in the known world for a human body to function without the proper systems in place. A virus is considered “pseudoliving” which means that it is not technically alive by the standards of science. Without the host cells machinery, a virus cannot grow or replicate. Thus, a virus must take control of the host cells machinery and use that machinery to create its own DNA and subsequent proteins. This hinges on one very important point, the cell must function as it has always functioned. It needs glucose, fat or protein to begin the aerobic respiration that uses oxygen as a final electron acceptor in the path to making ATP (energy) to run the metabolic processes of the cell. The implications of this are great, the zombie has to have working lungs to bring oxygen into the system, working circulatory system to transfer said oxygen along with nutrients and wastes, and systems which can eliminate said wastes. This brings into light the very real weaknesses of the zombie. It must be “living” for all intents and purposes, but that does not mean it will be easy to kill. Here’s the kicker: the virus can manipulate the cells. The neuronal cells that stop replicating in adult humans, are once again capable of regeneration, a virus can lie dormant in a cell for very long periods of time (as evidenced by HIV, which progresses into AIDs once the virus decides to lyse the cells releasing the virus into the system) and make the cell replicate with viral DNA in the nucleus creating hundreds of cells with viral DNA in them. This means, the virus will make the neuronal cells replicate, creating millions of new neurons each with viral DNA in them, each with the ability to control more of the processes of the human brain. One may also imply that the zombie is much smarter than your average human being, with a larger number of neuronal cells capable of propagating larger numbers of signals at a faster speed. I contest the idea that zombies are stumbling creatures with an off-kilter gate and little hand-eye coordination. I believe that this hypothetical virus would create extremely intelligent humans which it would have full control over, by producing the proteins and enzymes of its own DNA rather than that of the original cell, it would be fully plausible that the human infected with this virus would be controlled by the desires of the virus, which would be to infect new hosts. Also, the infected individual would not be the same person they were in their lives with everything from memories to basic wants and desires being manipulated and changed by the virus. The zombie would also have a heightened set of sensory systems, and it’s plausible that the neural signals from their external body are blocked by the virus in the CNS, reducing and possibly eliminating the effects of pain or touch sensation. Furthermore, they may act with a hive mentality, working towards a common goal (and remember, they’re smart), and their circulatory system may be routed in order to increase the amount of blood to the muscles, increasing their strength and agility. The most horrific realization: they may look completely normal. The virus does not necessarily impact their vocal chords, and they would look like a regular human being. Their behaviour would be notably different, but they could pass the virus on before the realization of what has happened is fully recognized.

Contingency Plan

With this knowledge in place, we can begin to determine what will and what will not work. Quarantines will be key in containing the virus to large areas (in the range of regions to complete countries). Given our inability to distinguish the zombies from the humans, large quarantine areas will be key. All air and sea ports should be shut down, and control of the army and air bases is essential. A 99.4% communicable virus can most likely become air borne, especially since viral particles are pseudoliving and can enter a dormant stage if not active in a cell (such is the case when they are housed within a water molecule, such as on a humid day). Dry climates are best due to such conditions, especially since a zombie lacks any other desire than to pass on its virus and thus does not drink, dehydration would be a good way to defeat them. Other ways to kill the zombies via natural causes would be to expose them to harsh environmental conditions, such as the extreme hot or cold, high saline, low/high pH and anoxic environments all fit the bill. Thus, the best areas to flee to would be the deserts, the higher and lower altitudes, and the poles. The worst places would be the mountains, valleys, jungles and tropics. Also, since they are human we can kill them if it comes down to that. We would want to see them coming given that a more intelligent being would outsmart us in a terrain war using the mountains or valleys. The plains and deserts are ideal for such a situation, Saskatchewan where you can watch your dog run away for three days, that’s a good place to be for a zombie apocalypse. This is where the plan gets sleazy and corrupt. We need to get rid of these zombies before they kill us all, and we have to do it in a way that causes the least amount of damage, least bloodshed (especially into the water systems, I’ll say it again, viruses are pseudoliving, they can live in the soil and water forever until it attaches to a host cell whose machinery it can manipulate), and the most successful. Thus we will need two plans, one for “the bait” and one for “the survivors”. You’re reading the survivors guide. The bait will be those that believe a virus can evoke a stage of being “undead” in which these things cannot be killed and the mountains and valleys should be used to hide from and trick them. The survivors guide is for those that know these fuckers are smarter than us, and would kick our ass in a terrain based war of wit. Trust me, this is necessary. Think of the people we could get to follow the bait guide? Bush, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, DoctorChaos, etc. Man, I’m beginning to WELCOME the zombie apocalypse. Anyways, we can lure the zombies into the valleys and mountains, from there dams can be taken out and landslides created provided we still have control of the army bases (I thank you Wright brothers). Meanwhile, safe zones can be created and established in areas where the weather would kill any remaining zombies in a disposable manner (such as through freezing, and might I add that if you freeze a zombie it would be much like freezing a human, where the plasma and extra/intracellular fluid freezes into crystals which would tear the cells apart resulting in death). Due to the high communicability, the zombie bodies will have to be… Destroyed, I’m thinking a controlled nuclear blast in the areas the zombies were lured to. Fire is a good way to kill a virus, since even the pseudoliving cannot deny the destructive powers of heat to proteins which make up their outer coat. Thus, to the areas where any remaining zombies fled to and eventually died due to extreme environmental conditions, let the forest fires reign.

Note: this plan is kind of geared toward North and South America following the quarantine, it can be applied to Europe as well. Japan, if they got hit with this virus they’re kind of screwed. Britain, you’re screwed. Australia… Well you guys have all that poisonous stuff, so I’m pretty sure the zombies are afraid of you. China, fucking nuke them if this happens, because with that high of a population they are fucked. Canada, Russia and the Scandinavian countries will pull through nicely, and the US, if you guys don’t go all batshit on me, you’ll be alright (I’m talking to you Utah, you and your Mormons lol)

Pros: Holy shit. Easily the most well thought out, well reasoned response received. Logical, intelligent, and practical.

Cons: You’re no fun. You ruined everything and I’m going home.

I received a ton more of these, and just put up whatever ones I could without this becoming something akin to book length, and this blog is still long as hell. But I still have all the plans sent to me saved, and if people seem to like this post, I will gladly do more. Also, please leave your own plans in the comments! They were a fucking blast to read, and I know you’ve all got one.

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36 Responses to What’s Your Zombie Contingency Plan?

  1. apolicious says:

    you seriously need to do more of these. In fact, this could be one of the greatest blogs of all time. everyone loves Zombies, but nobody bothers coming up with useful plans. These kind of plans will also be useful if (or should I say when?) the government collapses. I have a wonderful stash of survival manuals, as well as urban warfare guides. They’re like $4 at your local army surplus store.

    also, I really want to see my plan published.

  2. Brett says:

    I meant to befriend a pilot before the inevitable apocalypse. I know three. Also… I feel sad because a woman shamed us all… Men, salvage your dignity and testicles and let’s go drink our sorrows away and play Halo.

  3. Il Duce says:

    This plan works regardless of zombie strain. Let’s hope that they are the slow sluggish variety, but, even if they are the 28 days later uberzombies, then this should still work.

    Also, just as a sidenote, it is preposterous to think that zombism will make a human more intelligent. 1. Humans are pretty freaking stupid to begin with and 2. the closest actual disease to zombism is rabies. Rabies, in fact, historically, is most likely the source of myths about zombies. It makes you violent, irrational, highly contagious, and, most interestingly, makes you have a deep desire to bite other living beings, furthering the spread of the virus. Also, you froth at the mouth and die rather quickly of dehydration because you cannot hold down water / develop hydrophobia. That is neither here nor there. The point is, being a zombie kills you. You will die, as a zombie, eventually.

    My building is 22 stories high. There is enough furniture in the building that, say, 2 or 3 dozen of us could easily fill the entire volume of the first three stories with couches, chairs, tables, etc. Additionally, the face of the building is sheer. No one, even a superzombie, is climbing up my building. So, the strategy goes, we raid the trader joes across the street, the home depot on the block (and the liquor store, dear god the liquor store) and, very importantly, the nursery down the block, and do the following.

    1. We fill the building with as many supplies as possible.

    2. Block up the first few stories. No one in or out.

    3. Cover the entire roof, all terraces, the roofs of neighboring and adjacent buildings, with soil. We then grow food on this soil.

    4. Wait.

    5. ??? (Have sex because honestly, what else is there to do? Oh yeah, also, we are jacking a ton of condoms. Pregnant women + zombie invasion = do not want).

    6. PROFIT!.

  4. HazardLad says:

    It’s fairly straight forward for me. My uncle is a gunsmith (I think thats the term) and has a lot of off road gear, both in terms of cars and equipment. So I would need to steal all his stuff- ammo, guns, car, boat (he has several, he’s a fisherman) medical gear, and then head north to the tropical part of Western Australia.

    This is where we keep the crocodiles and kangaroos.

    Crocs are fairly aggressive bastards, and will eat anything that has a crack at them. Usually anything stupid enough to wander too close. So thats zombies taken care of right off the bat. Also Crocs are cold blooded, meaning that even if by some miracle a zombie could score a kill on one (If a living guy with a high powered rifle can’t get the job done I fail to see how a retarded zombie is going to manage) Crocs are cold blooded. So in all likelihood, a virus that kills humans (mammals) and re-animates them into zombies, is unlikely to affect cold blooded reptiles (Crocs)
    Secondly, Kangaroos. But Kangaroos are cuddly I hear you say. Cute even! This is all untrue. Ever wondered if there is another reason for their big honking feet, and tiny arms? The tiny arms are for grabbing your upper body, and the big damn feet with huge fucking claws are TO DISEMBOWEL YOU. This is why no-one ever successfully managed to fuck with Skippy the Bush Kangaroo’s real life inspiration, Paul, The Bringer Of Fear. And again there would be the Marsupial to Mammal deal halting the virus’s spread.

    Of course by then you are already halfway up the Fitzroy River (which is a BIG damn river) stopping only to raid any other boats on the water and slaughtering the occupants. Thank God Australia has no bill of rights.

    This is a work in process of course. If I can get the prototype for my Solar Powered Death Ray Cannon working, it’s all moot . The survivors will know me as Emperor HazardLad Of Hazard Island (Formerly Australia)

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  6. Erin says:

    My plan is as follows:
    1. Round up as many uninfected people as possible.
    2. Use these people to collect food and weapons, most notably tanks and flamethrowers.
    3. Raid multiple stores for food and weapons, just to ensure that there’s enough to go around.
    4. Head somewhere flat. As I’m Canadian, I’m going to say Saskatchewan, because this is the only time it’s okay to go to Saskatchewan.
    5. Because I currently reside in BC, this means I have to find a safe way to travel. This is where the tanks come in. And if worse comes to worse, we can just drop grenades everywhere. Just to make sure those fuckers are really super dead.
    6. Upon arrival in Saskatchewan, we will raid all the stores possible for food, weapons, clothing and probably liquor.
    7. Any zombies that are spotted will be massacred. My personal favourite method of dispatch is the flamethrower. You know what they say about all those awful things like insects and Harlequin babies: “KILL IT WITH FIRE!”
    8. My personal army and I will head to the a small town fairly close to a big city. I don’t really know Saskatchewan, so that part will have to be kind of on the fly. I know, it’s a problem, but it’ll work out, because I only associate with intelligent people, or people that can kick my ass with a single finger.
    9. Upon arrival in the small town, we will move around stealthily (by means of tanks) and blow the shit out of anything that moves. Once we’ve successfully killed any bird, puppy and baby that has the balls to move, we’ll move into the buildings.
    10. To successfully secure the buildings, we will split up into teams, and venture in, armed with our flamethrowers, guns, knives, and anything else that might not take down the building in case we need it. Once all buildings are secure, we will reconvene in the center of the city, where the next phase will take place.
    11. We will take out all clothing, and render it suitably sexy. I know everyone knows what I mean; every time you watch a post-zombie attack movie, there’s a lack of normal clothing. Everyone wears some skin tight shit, and a wifebeater. Therefore, we shall make everyone sexy, and then continue on to in our plan. By “our” plan, I mean my master plan.
    12. We will split off into groups, trying to make sure that everyone has something they’ll be interested in, if you catch my drift. Get your mind out of the gutter, I’m not talking sex (because let’s face it, at this point anyone will take whatever they can get). I’m talking about liquor. Remember when we raided the liquor stores? Yeah. We’re splitting that shit up now. Hopefully there’s enough to go around, if not, my building gets the most. Suck it.
    13. We’ll continue to slay all zombies that come our way. Maybe we’ll use the tanks to go over to Alberta and start a bunch of fires to ensure we wipe out a lot of them, I haven’t decided yet. Alberta holds a special place in my heart.
    14. We’ll try to find other survivors, as we’ll be expected to. Maybe we’ll start having kids to replenish our stocks, as we’re bound to lose some along the way.
    15. To this end, we will continue until we die. Drinking, blowing shit up, and looking sexy.
    THE END.
    I really adored some of these plans. Especially the last one, absolutely brilliant.

  7. Caroe says:

    first off i’d like to say that all of your plans of getting a bunch of people together won’t work unless you know them personaly, all the control, nope, this is because everyone is thinking the same thing that you are, how to survive. No one will trust anybody else, unless they are close of course. This means that they will wan’t to be the leader. And as for stealing someone’s stuff… why? their most likely going to take that stuff already and then you don’t have it anymore. Going to grocery stores and what not. How many people said to do that… exactly that’s just a taste in how many people are going to be there. If the zombies have any sort of smell then their going to be attracted to these places, and naturaly people are realy stupid so your all done for if you go to one of these places.

    Now for my plan. First off i thought i’d get on one of my boats with my boating buddies and go to catalina, small island off the coast of LA. Then i remembered it’s a small island off of LA that has a ferry that runs back and forth, i wonder how many people are going to do that. So that plan is out, but luckily i know a bunch of boating people, I hope that we will be smart enough to group together and create a small armada of boats, power and sail. With this and the outside knowledge of these people then i think that we should be good on the ocean, fishing and what not(assuming that the fish can’t be infected) we have friends to be with and boats, LOT’S OF BOATS!!!

    However, if this doesn’t work, which i doubt it will seeing as there are SO many marinas with HUNDREDS of boats in them in san diego. Also to get out of our stupid marina you have to go under a bridge… so lame. zombies could easily jump onto a boat from that and then your done for.

    But in all reality im going to have to say building a wall similar to the one at the end of “I Am Legend” at the edge of a penninsula somewhere that pokes out into the ocean will do the best. It can be easily defended seeing as you only have to worry about one side, unless they swim. And if they do somehow break through the walls then you simply jump on boats and gtfo. Also with a large penninsula like that you could make a small farm for food and what not. I think that this plan could work but Building the damn wall would be super hard… which is why i think that the military will get involved…. somewhat like in Resident Evil 2 except that they weren’t military they were umbrella corps. w/e

  8. Tanya says:

    hahaha! Wow, to anyone who actually reads all of mine I give you props, I’m a bitch for writing that much. But I really took this project to heart, and had a lot of misconceptions to debunk in face of the opposition I received from my friends (“Tanya, they call it fiction for a reason” my response: “But it’s much more terrifying as a work of realism”) I’m a biologist, what can I say. Therefore, I hope no one takes mine as being a know-it-all prick, I just wanted to take a look at it from a realistic point of view. The other plans will do well serving as my bait 😉

    All-in-all, this was a fantastic article and I had a lot of fun doing it. Meagan’s plan was fucking HILARIOUS, and Bonesteel? Is that a serious last name?! Marry me.

  9. Anon says:

    My zombie apocalypse plan is to become a zombie.

  10. Darkmage says:

    Jesus Christ, Tanya really thought that through!
    Yes, I did read it all. I read all of every one. ’tis only fair!
    As someone from the UK, I think we’ll be fine. It’s you mad yanks that tend to create things like super viruses (The Stand would have been DULL set in the UK) and, as an island, we’re pretty safe from the threat of infection.
    Also, we have plenty of seriously inhospitable places.

    I would vote for survivors getting in the sky tram up mount Snowdon. There’s a cafe on top we could barricade ourselves in after destroying the sky tram thing and any zombies will freeze trying to get to us. The mountain is almost impassable without the sky tram thingy.
    If not, the highlands of Scotland would work. Plenty of very, very thick walled buildings with small windows set in a surrounding of mile and miles of fields. Easy to barricade, you can see them coming and you can defend when they get there (Scottish farmers all have guns.)

  11. Matt Willard says:

    In all honesty, I think I would just shoot myself pretty quickly.

    Cons: A pussy way to go.

    Pros: Have fun dealing with zombies, you sad bastards.

  12. Jennifer Bonesteel says:

    Yes, that really is my last name and it wouldn’t be the first time I was proposed to based on my last name. It is, however, the first time I’ve been proposed to in a comments section on a blog regarding a zombie apocalypse article.
    Also, now that Robert’s mentioned it, I may need a silver rhinestone tank top and possible a book regarding how to store methane. Anyone sees either of those items for sale on EBay, let me know. Gotta be prepared.

  13. Daphne Mason says:

    My plan: Use my father’s gun to kill any of the zombies nearest my home, pack all of my literature, food, and clothing, steal my neighbor’s dog, hop in my boat, and let the river carry me to Lake Michigan, wherein I will alight on a deserted island and begin a small farm with seeds that I stole from ‘Family Farm and Home’ along the way. Any survivors may come to me for help, but if they test positive for the disease, I shall shoot the bastards where they stand, and burn the corpses as fuel for my bonfire. If that fails, I shall allow myself to be taken, because FUCK man, I always wanted to be undead!

  14. deadlytoque says:

    Man, have we ever spent a lot of time working out the kinks in this. The handy thing: Most of us grew up in the Canadian Rockies where wilderness survival courses were common and thorough.

    Stage One: Coordination. My apartment has been chosen as the designated “meeting point”. It’s fairly central and close to a sports shop, which is important for…
    Stage Two: Bicycles. We load up all the vehicles we can drive with bikes. Why? Because we are preparing for the future. Who knows how long gasoline will last? Probably not that long, even in oil country. Also, bike chains and pedals can be converted into parts for drills, washing machines, well pumps… all kinds of handy post-apocalypse tech.
    Stage Three: Grocery stores are for chumps. The smart money is on grocery WAREHOUSES. They are in the industrial park, and have the store’s logo on them, and won’t be full of looters and shoppers-turned zombies.
    Stage Four: Farms. I have friends whose parents have farms. Farms are handy outposts because low population density means low risk of infection, because they are at least somewhat self-sustaining, food-wise, and because they tend to have well water and septic fields, not relying on city plumbing, which is going to degrade insanely fast. Seriously, those of you planning on holing up in an urban environment: good luck when the sewage and fresh water break down. Also, farmers have guns, and often have the tools for making bullets.
    Stage Five: Horses. Once again, handy because we will be on a farm. Horses, like bikes, will be useful long after the gas runs out. Also, they are natural fertilizer factories, and can be eaten in a pinch.
    Stage Six: Weatherproofing, construction of composting toilets, scouting of alternate water supplies, fortification against zombies and other survivors.
    Stage Seven: Wait for winter. Alberta prairie winters are evil with breaks. Temperatures will drop below -30 Celsius for a few days, and then pop back up to the -5 range for a few. During the cold snaps, awful as it might be, we make forays out and kill anything that looks human and has gotten itself frozen outside.
    Stage Eight: Wait for them to starve. Unless they are necromancy zombies, there’s no way these things can keep truckin’ for long. I’d say two, three winters tops, and other than the occasional foray from down south, we ought to be relatively zombie-free. Eugenic breeding programs not necessary.
    Stage Nine (optional): If the zombies are necromantic in origin, study the mystic arts and find a way to combat them directly.

  15. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    I live in NC and I live about 5 miles from a HUGE Wal-Mart, so I would just run like hell and get there in about 15 minutes. You may be saying “What about guns?” well, shut the hell up, your ruining it. I live in NC, and down here Wal-Marts sell guns. Seriously, they have about 50 shotguns, some sniper rifles, pistols, and even an M16.

    Now I would just build up a base in the corner of the Wal-Mart, and wait for rescue. Boredom would not be a problem, there is an electronics section with demoes for games and shit like that. It would be like a lock in, only this time I wouldn’t be crying for my mommy and hiding in the bathroom.

  16. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    Give me a zombie blog! I demand a zombie blog!

  17. Beth says:

    The Gun room was totally my plan. IF that fails I will sprint across the street to the Taxidermist and hope to offer myself to him in exchange for his protection. You have to figure he is one insane dude

  18. rps says:

    I disagree with Tanya’s “smart zombie” theory. The closest real-world equivalent is rabies, and rabid animals aren’t exactly smart. Maybe with many, many generations for evolution to do its work you’d get a virus that skillfully puppets its victims, but this is presumably a brand-new virus which would work by a simple mechanism.

    The most plausible way I can think of that you could get zombie-like behavior from a new viral infection would be if it disabled parts of your brain that inhibit agression or rev up the parts that cause aggression. My dad used to damage brain regions of monkeys as part of his research, and he said that if you damage certain regions they’ll go nuts and attack anything on sight.

    If the virus did something similar to humans, you’d get an ultra-aggressive monster, focused on inflicting pain rather than spreading the virus per se. It would not necessarily be stupid if the damage was limited enough. However, I’d think it would probably damage other regions of the brain as well (like rabies), leaving its victim brain-damaged, stupid and possibly with loss of motor function leading to a shambling Romero-like zombie.

    Looking at everybody else’s plan, I can see the grocery store and Walmart are going to be crowded, so I would just hunker down in the barricaded basement and hope the zombies starve before I do.

    If they stick around for a long time like Romero zombies, most people would be screwed. Farms will be shutting down and you will starve and freeze over the winter if the zombies don’t get you first. Your only hope would be to get to the country and live on an intact farm, making yourself useful – there will be a lot of demand for scouts and guards, and we’re going to have to go back to hand-farming (but with what tools?) so this may not be difficult if you live near farming country.

    You Southwest/Cali people might as well just cap yourselves now because what little farming takes place there depends on irrigation which isn’t going to be happening anymore. Good luck relocating thousands of miles east during a zombie attack.

    I will be avoiding Walmart because it’ll make Black Friday look like a slow Monday morning at Kmart, judging from the replies here. Same with the grocery store.

  19. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    Well I live in Western North Carolina. Our largest city is Asheville, pop. 60,000. I literally live on top of a mountain, and it would actually be the last place I would want to be, because if someone said “Do you want to be in the creepy forest, or the awesome Wal-Mart?” I would say Wal-Mart.

    Also, this brings up an interesting thought. We all seem to have fairly solid zombie survival plans, and it actually seems like the only people the zombies would be able to get to would be old people and little children. I’m pretty sure that 95% of us would have no problem blowing the heads off of these retard zombies, so the infection would probably be ended in a short amount of time.

  20. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    Also, there would be millions of people with boring jobs and boring lives who would jump at the oppurtunity to join some zombie killing army or something, and that would just be overkill since it would be an army of heavily armed middle aged men against a bunch of slow moving decrepit children and old people.

  21. Jeff Shock says:

    yea i really didnt think about the whole oxygen thing….

  22. The Hoff says:

    My zombie contingency plan is to join the zombie horde. After all, you can’t fight against a zombie horde unless there is one. Me? I’m willing to make that sacrifice. And when my rotting corpse is snacking on your tasty, tasty brains.

    In fact, if possible, I’d like to be the vector. That would be awesome.

  23. The Hoff says:

    And when my rotting corpse is snacking on your tasty, tasty brains it will all be worth it.

    Also, curse the lack of an edit button.

  24. Sir Fortesque says:

    I like Deadlytoque’s idea best for now.

    My plan:
    1. gather my family (engineers, doctors) and get the hell out of the city. The worst place you can be for any epidemic is a fuckin’ city.

    2. Take the family guns with your family, first aid and essentials.

    3. Kill anyone who tries to latch on to your family (which has nice practical skills).
    Kill anyone who tries to follow you. Stay alive.
    I’d say at least half make it out alive (of the city).
    Stay away from the highways while getting out.

    4. Pretty much follow deadlytoque’s one from here.

    5. Offer your hefty skills (drug syntheses, medical, engineering) for a hefty price, or for protection of muscle gangs in the new post apocalyptic world.

    6. Money.

    7. Bang lots of hot chicks.

    If there’s an epidemic of any kind, for your own survival you need to get out. But this is actually what helps epidemics spread so it all depends on how selfish you are.

  25. fredo says:

    Two words: oil rig.

    You would probably also need a big stick to poke at any zombies that a) could smell your brains from miles away b) were able to swim and/or walk along the bottom of the ocean while remembering where they smelled you.

    Presumably oil rigs have some device to make salt water drinkable via boiling. You can eat fish (assuming the fish are not zombified too).

    The only problem is finding and getting to the oil rig. Do your research now! Also don’t tell anyone else the plan or every fucker will be trying to get on my oil rig.

  26. Dave says:

    “The Gun Room, the scariest fucking gun shop in America”

    IMO this CLEARLY merits it’s own post, replete with photos of instruments of destruction and profiles of the (doubtless) fascinating characters who vend them (after all, the guns aren’t the REALLY scary part now, are they?).

    And since you’d be giving them awesome free pub, they might even take you out shootin’.

  27. Tanya says:

    Um, rps, if you read the first paragraph, I actually mention that this virus is not in existance as far as it is known, and that if it were to exist it would probably be man made. Thanks for your input though.

  28. Tanya says:

    Darkmage, point taken. I was thinking about it from a size point of view, not a terrain point of view, and now that you mention it you guys would probably pull through alright. As long as you’re willing to kill anyone you think could be a zombie, on sight. Lest the infection spread.

    Also, another point I have to rps, your dad lesioned parts of a monkey’s brain, he didn’t manipulate the protein and enzyme production. Viruses cause the cell to create its viral proteins and enzymes, which I mentioned, and is how I explained the behavioural change. Not through minimal damage, although your way could cause a completely different type of rabid zombie.

  29. Meagan says:


    There’s a bar that went in across the street called The Slingshot. Cute!

  30. Sir Fortesque says:

    Come on science people! what’s wrong with you. Can’t you just think- walking dead (or running dead) and take it from there? If you try and explain walking-brain-eating dead, you’ll end up with an explanation of living creatures that eat brains. Come on, lighten up.

    Most of the scientific explanations would still have the creatures turn on each other.

    Also dongs.

  31. rps says:

    >Um, rps, if you read the first paragraph, I actually mention that this virus is not in existance as far as it is known, and that if it were to exist it would probably be man made.

    That doesn’t help because nobody is remotely close to understanding, in theory, how to manipulate a brain at the physical level to create drives that don’t already exist. Your realistic options are simpler things like manipulating neurotransmitter concentrations or lysing neurons in particular brain regions (which is how rabies works). By the time it is possible, people reading this will be more worried about their prostates and osteoporosis, if they’re alive at all.

    You might as well just say that they were bitten by a radioactive spider – why bother with a pseudoscientific figleaf?

  32. Pingback: The zombie apocalypse is serious business! « Clockwork Rocketry

  33. Sir Fortesque says:

    Also spam

  34. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    ok Robert, I think you can clearly see that you need an entire section of the website devoted to this. This is probably the longest comment section this website has ever had.

    Also, The Gun Room website scared the shit out of me.

  35. Smart-Maker says:

    I have a simple, four-step plan:
    1. Collect people with important skills (farming, smith, Dick-Jokes etc) and go to a bunker in Lapland, where I’d create a perfect community.
    2. Buy nukes and assault rifles and video games.
    3. Nuke the fuckers (All of them. Every last one.)
    4. Play video-games and shoot the few zombies that come near you.

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