The Cocoon: The Sad, Embarrassing Future of Virtual Reality

Ever since The Lawnmower Man first showed us that virtual reality could do just about anything – even turning even the mentally handicapped into poorly-rendered demigods of murder – our culture has been obsessed with bringing VR to life (well, maybe the concept existed before that movie, but come on – did anybody really care about virtual reality before the landscaping retard became the undisputed king of dialup?) And so far, there have been just two major obstacles in bringing V.R. rigs into the main stream:

1. They don’t work.

2. They look stupid.

And those are pretty big obstacles, but finally there’s something here that promises to completely overcome them! I present to you, The Cocoon:

Like Master Chief for Special Children.

Okay, so it still looks stupid. But so what? More importantly, does it work?!

No!

Well, not like the movies have promised us, anyway. In the movies, Virtual Reality syncs with your brain so completely that you lose all consciousness of your physical body, and become completely lost in the computer generated world. This thing, invented by UK professors from the Universities of York and Warwick, takes a much more pragmatic approach to it. It doesn’t trick your brain into believing reality, but chooses instead to address your senses one at a time. It’s got the completely immersive screen to cover the visual, and three dimensional speakers to cover the sound, but those are the easy ones; taste, smell, and most of all, touch, are the truly difficult senses to fool. The Cocoon has a box of chemicals beneath the nose-plate that mix to replicate a variety of smells. It has a heating, cooling, and humidity system for tactile purposes, and finally there is a tube inserted into your mouth that sprays liquids in one of the four basic tastes: Bitter, salty, sour, and sweet.

Oh god, I can taste the internet. Get it out! Get the fucking tube out now!

The British scientists say that it’ll be out in about five years, and will only cost around two thousand dollars. They propose many uses for the helmet – from training soldiers in combat situations, to entertainment and gaming uses over the internet, which could mean anything from “taking viewers from their couch to the African savanna,” and “greeting friends and family on the other side of the world,” to simply playing “virtual roleplay games such as Second Life.”

Aaaand that’s where you’ve lost it all!

Undoubtedly this thing will have a million innocuous uses – but practically in the same breath you’ve mentioned that it’s not only affordable, but could also be very useful to people playing “virtual roleplay games such as Second Life.” Do you know what you’ve done?! Before the thing is even on the market you have typecast it as little more than a virtual facefucker for hovering furries…because that’s all that Second Life is! Sure, there have been some legitimate marketing attempts in the virtual world, like movie screenings and publicity stunts, but the vast majority of Second Life players are people that have already paid $10 just for a more realistic functioning fox penis add-on, of course they’re going to drop two grand for the chance to finally feel what it’s like to suck off a Care Bear! The furries took over Second Life almost as soon as it was up – and do you know why? Because the very second you create a consequence free virtual environment with full anonymity, the suppressed perversions of mankind are going to come spewing out of every orifice like Bukakke Exorcist fan-fiction.

Not Pictured: Rule #34. But it will be.

And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with that (okay, so that particular scenario is extremely wrong, but the concept in general isn’t all that bad.) Any convincing virtual space is of course going to have more than its fair share of perversions (the internet itself is little more than a two-dimensional interactive handjob for most people,) and that’s probably the reason all the other VR rigs have been full body set-ups up until now. They knew full well that there is a reason the porn industry has decided all of our major media formats, from VHS to Blu-Ray. It’s just inevitable that porn will have a hand in deciding the next big leap in VR. The problem with a virtual reality helmet is that it’s just that: A helmet. Unless you’re really into getting fucked in your faceholes; a helmet isn’t going to do much for the porn industry. Of course, I’m sure many people would be extremely into a face-ramming simulator, but that’s a pretty specific niche demographic filled with such angry and masochistic undertones that you’d have to be more sexually repressed than an uptight, elderly, British scientist to be into something like tha- oh!

“So I said ‘liquor? I barely know her!’ But seriously, I went down on a cat-tranny.”

Well there you go. Device explained.

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30 Responses to The Cocoon: The Sad, Embarrassing Future of Virtual Reality

  1. I fully support the introduction of this invention, so that ugly people and sexually odd (or retarded) people can hide their faces for eternity.

    You can laugh all you want at the scientists that go down on the cat lady, but people (legions of them) will pay 2000$ to be face fucked by something. $$$.
    Society will hail these scientists as wise knowledge factories as well.

    It’s a giant fishbowl for people to wear, which shows them pictures.

    Hang on. I’m just going to stick giant dick pictures inside a fishbowl and get a beefy baker to jack off inside, then sell it at 20$, thus ripping off this invention and making sweet, sweet cash.

    If this comes out, society needs to make sex-asylums for the sexually insane before allowing it to happen.

  2. Woo, rants on pointless subjects are tiring.

  3. Anon says:

    Making a joke about dog cocks on this topic would be too easy. And even though that has never stopped me before, I always challenge myself to new heights of immaturity to stop myself from sucking like some would on dog dongs.

  4. Robert says:

    Forts,

    On the plus side, ‘sex asylums for the sexually insane’ was a line so good that it made me jealous.

    Anon,

    I actually deleted a joke about dog cocks while writing it. I know how tempting that road of canine penises can be.

  5. Brett says:

    I can’t think of anything hilarious to say so I will just say… That Orange Crush is the best soda ever.

  6. JasonF says:

    “The Tempting Road of Canine Penises” sounds like the title of a self-help book. Ten internet points to whomever comes up with the best subtitle!

  7. Swey says:

    Kick the Dog Cock Habit in 2 short weeks.

  8. smoky says:

    for the love of god, just say no.

  9. Sir Fortesque says:

    Taking you from dogs to monkeys to men through twelve easy species!

  10. Sir Fortesque says:

    Steps, I meant steps.

  11. Robert says:

    Forts,

    You know you meant it. You think a dozen species out there are sluts, just cop to it. And name which ones.

    Jasonf,

    “Escaping the Dangerous World of Gay Canine Prostitution”

  12. Sir Fortesque says:

    The point is you’ll still suck cock in the end, no matter what you do.

  13. Sir Fortesque says:

    The book, not life.

  14. Robert says:

    You say that like it’s bad thing, but that really all depends on how much you like sucking cocks. If the answer is “a lot,” then it’s just a non-stop uphill journey.

    Of cocks.

  15. Hal says:

    You can ween yourself off dog cock in less than 1 year. Or 7 dog years. Whatever.

  16. Brett says:

    …How did this post become about Dog Cocks so quickly? It’s like that one time Robert’s girlfriend posted and we all started talking about transformers…

    Speaking of which I bought an Optimus and Megatron twopack last weekend, it’s pretty sweet but the ball joint’s for Megatron’s legs are pretty loose so they flop around like he is a cripple…

    I need a tiny wheelchair.

  17. Robert says:

    Brett,

    It’s because the internet gave us all ADD.

  18. Sir Fortesque says:

    At least the plastic around his legs didn’t crack and his legs didn’t come loose of the ball joints.

    That happened to one of my favorite toys when I was a small screaming maniac, instead of a large one.

    (It was some sort of flexy star trooper with a removable blaster, and a glider ship with machine guns and missiles.)

    One of his legs came off while he was storming a giant ant mound.

    From then on he had to be the starship trooper who got overrun by gigantic insects, while slowly dragging his body-minus-leg away from the insects, feebly screaming for mercy from God (me).

    Or I just played solo badminton with the crippled toy.

    My advice is to mercy-firecracker Megatron (and optimus for good measure). Tiny wheel chairs aren’t cheap.

  19. deadlytoque says:

    So, I’m thinking that it would be fun to fuck with one of these so that it sprayed Mace or something out of the scent/flavour tubes. Then, you could say to someone who thought you were their friend (but secretly you find insufferable) “Hey, come here and try my wicked virtual reality helmet!” and then pepper spray them all to hell.

    OK, maybe that’s just a sick revenge fantasy (which is really odd, since I can’t think of a single person I’d do that too).

    BUT! Clearly they just aren’t going far enough. Yes, you can “suck off a Care Bear”, but the success of this technology will rely on making sure you can feel a Care Bear suck off… you! Anyway…

    ANYWAY! I’m rambling big time now, but here’s my pitch: who cares if the pervs ruin this for public consumption. You’re missing the point. And the point is: Transformers!

    Bear with me.

    All this talk about Optimus Prime under a virtual reality helmet made me realize: dude, this is how you pilot ROBOT JOX! The best way to have a fully functional mech of violence is to hook a VR rig up to its controls. Hell, if you had sand in your foreskin about it, you could even pilot the damned things remotely.

    PLEASE stop making fun of the Cocoon! It’s our last, best hope for robot on robot gladiatorial battles for our amusement!

  20. Robert says:

    Forts,

    I used a bow and arrow on mine when execution time came. That’s right, I could hit an action figure with an arrow at fifty yards. If I wasn’t so fat and awkward as a child, I would’ve been a superhero.

    Toque,

    Am I the only one unsettled that somebody over the internet could theoretically control what you smell and taste? This is the place that spawned two girls, 1 cup and goatse, after all. If I tasted the internet, I would burn my mouth down for the insurance money.

    Also, Robot Jox FTW. I forgot that it existed, and am now adding it to my netflix queue.

  21. Betsey Booms says:

    “finally there is a tube inserted into your mouth that sprays liquids in one of the four basic tastes: Bitter, salty, sour, and sweet.”

    There is something altogether genius and frightening contained within this partial sentence.

    How about a tube that just sprays bacon grease, butter, beer and money?

    Because that?

    Wait, are there words?

    No, no, there are no words.

    Oh wait. That’s what heaven would be like with the first 4 songs of The Joshua Tree – No, wait again, the whole Violator album…

    Still not right…

    I got it! Foreigner and/or Journey playing in the background.

    And it would smell like awesome.

    Just awesome.

  22. deadlytoque says:

    OK, admittedly, it would be nasty as hell to have to taste Tubgirl… or Rick Astley…

    But you could always turn the taste toggle off until you’d checked a site for compatibility.

    And besides, how else could you taste the ozone and molten slag when your mech just took a green laser to the face?

  23. Brett says:

    Rick Astley tastes like shame and the 80s… like ALL of the 80s.

    Please don’t ask how I know.

  24. Muledriver says:

    You know, I built one of these a few years ago. It was a football helmet soaked in lighter fluid.

    There were only two “virtual experiences” though: 1) sitting around in wet football helmet and 2)burnt face.

    It was pretty rudimentary, I admit.

  25. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    I think this particular website would taste like flan. But then again, it might taste like Robert’s mustache. What does your mustache taste like Robert? You can tell us now, we’ll be finding out in a few years anyway.

  26. smoky says:

    i bet it tastes like pure ditilled testosterone. and facial hair.

  27. Brett says:

    And cheetos. I assume Robert eats a lot of cheetos. The puffy kind, not the crunchy ones.

  28. Robert says:

    It all depends – the beard tastes like whatever I’ve eaten lately. For example, last night it tasted like tequila body shots, and this morning it tastes like your mom.

  29. Muledriver says:

    It tastes like rainbows and unicorn giggles strained through a bum’s underwear.

    Don’t believe me? Well, it happens to be true.

    Just ask him.

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