How To: Recognize “Zardoz.”

The movie Zardoz is a distinct, easily recognizable moving picture show in the genre of science fiction featuring popular actor Sean Connery. Because this movie poses a clear and present danger to the sensibilities and tastes of potential viewers, it is best recognized externally, before the actual playing or watching of the movie itself, so as to avoid accidental exposure to the contents within.


    THE FORMAT:

The only thing worse than seeing this picture would be tasting this picture.

Zardoz, in modern times, is most commonly encountered in DVD format. This is a small round disc approximately 5 inches in diameter, by 1/8th of an inch thick. The DVD will have a reflective, mirror-like surface covering one side, a graphic representation of the movie depicted on the other. It is most comparable in size and shape to a Compact Disc, or much smaller version of a LaserDisc.

Warning: If encountering Zardoz on LaserDisc, please exit the year 1989 calmly but quickly, or you may risk becoming stuck in some sort of time paradox.


    THE CASE:

Located between the stratosphere and troposphere, the connerysphere intercepts and protects us from harmful mustache rays..

Most often, however, Zardoz will be contained within its “case.” This is a hinged, hollow plastic box. It is rectangular in shape, roughly ½ an inch deep, 6 inches wide and 8 inches high. In shape and dimension, it resembles a thin paperback novel or instructional manual. The case will have a seam, or groove running mid-way through its perimeter on three sides. The case opens horizontally to reveal its contents, which consist of the aforementioned DVD, and a great deal of confusion and homoeroticism.


    THE COVER:

Not explained: Naked purple gargoyle orgy at right.

Both the case and DVD will feature a sizeable graphic of baffling images displayed across their largest flat surface. This is the image that best represents the contents of Zardoz, and will sometimes be referred to as a “cover.” Graphical elements of this cover include a screaming disembodied stone head, which somewhat resembles Karl Marx in the grips of a murderous rage. Centrally located on the cover, you will find an image of an outstretched human hand, holding in its palm a small and extensively hairy man with a ponytail. This man is wearing a red bikini, a grim expression, and nothing else. This man is popular character actor Sean Connery, as mentioned above. Sean Connery will have his face turned to you sideways, in what resembles a fencing stance; his feet and body placed parallel to your viewpoint, while his head and arms face you. To his left, there is a hazily bordered pastoral scene depicting rolling hills and soft green meadows, reminiscent of an idyllic English countryside. Sean Connery appears to be punching it in the face, were it to have one.


    THE TITLE:

Pictured: The title belt awarded to the Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of Zardoz.

The word “Zardoz” will appear on all instances (DVD, Laserdisc, and Case) of the “cover,” image. This is referred to as the “title.” This title is easily recognizable by the much larger “R” and “D” letters found centrally within the word. These letters are shaped as trapezoidal opposites that, when placed together, will most closely resemble a diamond. The word will also appear on the initial image, or “title screen,” of Zardoz, should the movie actually be playing. This serves as an excellent warning system, and will allow approximately two minutes for escape before the actual moving images begin to be displayed, and the image of Sean Connery in drag haunts you until the end of days.

Watching this could lead to terminal man-bikini syndrome.


    In Summary:

Once any object containing the movie Zardoz is recognized and confirmed, it is recommended to step gingerly away from it, and return it to the location in which it was found. Under no circumstances should the film be played, watched, or heard, lest it forever ruin the character of James Bond and, by extension, all male rodels for the viewer. The movie itself will not be described here out of the goodness of my heart.

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61 Responses to How To: Recognize “Zardoz.”

  1. Luke says:

    An excellent and helpful guide which could save testicles world-wide. Because if anything can un-man the Connerator it could turn the rest of us into My Little Ponies.

  2. tojo2000 says:

    Why didn’t you post this five years ago!?! You could have saved my testes. They’ve been hiding behind my liver ever since I picked this up off the shelves at the local supermarket.

  3. Jason says:

    Just watching the trailer has weakened my respect for the great man. =( What the hell were those people thinking? What the hell was Connery thinking?

  4. the girlfriend says:

    Will you wear that outfit sometime? Just for me.

  5. Sir Fortesque says:

    We are all doomed.

  6. The Hoff says:

    Damn you, Brockway! Now I have that deep, hypnotic voice chanting “Zardoz” echoing in my mind eternally.

  7. Brett says:

    I found this guide helpful and informative.

    I found this movie mentally scarring and no matter how much I scrub myself I will never be clean again.

  8. Muledriver says:

    Great. I was just about to make up my mind weather to watch “The Rock” or “Never Say Never Again” and now I have to put this in the mix. It’s going to take me forever to decide now.

    Oh, and by “watch” I mean “masturbate to”.

    What?

    DON’T YOU JUDGE ME!

  9. Muledriver says:

    Oh, and for the record, I wore the exact same liver-colored singlet at my bar mitzvah.

    The strangest part?

    Not a jew.

    Yeah…I have no idea what I was doing there either.

  10. deadlytoque says:

    I remember waking up in the middle of the night once, during university when I was often plagued with insomnia, and staggered into the living room to see what was on TV.

    In Canada we have the Space Channel which mostly shows American Sci-Fi Channel original movies, Canadian sci-fi shorts, and repeats of Babylon 5. On weekends and overnight, however, they have “Movies From Space”, which are often classic (or not-so-classic) genre films. It’s where I first watched Barbarella and the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

    It’s also where I encountered Zardoz.

    Honestly, in a half-asleep, near-mindless state, I assumed I wasn’t actually watching Sean Connery prance about in a dress with a gun, but was in fact having a sleep-deprivation-induced hallucination.

    Imagine my terror when I found out it actually happened! Lovecraftian, it was.

  11. Muledriver says:

    Slightly off topic but apparently there is a website which features nothing but robots and dinosaurs having sexual relations.


    http://www.dinosaursfuckingrobots.com

    I had nothing to do with it.

    Rob?

  12. smoky says:

    ill never be clean again….
    they just dont make water hot enough….

  13. Smart-Maker says:

    This reminds me of the high-five article. Yet again you have made me laugh, yet as a victim of seeing this movie on a dare, I am also mournful of all the brain celss I lost during the viewing.

  14. Nick says:

    Is rodels a new portmanteau for “role models”?

    Shit. I hate you.

  15. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    *Posting with the name “Robert’s Boyfriend”*

    I hate you too.

    Also, dicks. Up Robert’s ass.

    *Posting with my name here*

    Yes. I love dicks up my ass.

    I also love them in my mouth. If there is a hole on my body, I love putting dicks in it.

    I am watching gay porn as I write this.

  16. Robert says:

    Listen, you can hate all you want, but don’t spam, dude. And don’t pretend to be me, please. You can effectively render your hate a lot of ways; all of them better than that lame schtick.

    Still, you put at least some effort into your hatin’, rather than just posting “fag” or the extra-special “fagtard.” So I’ve just collected your posts into one and left them up for you, instead of deleting them. There you go. Even kind to the haters.

    Fagtard.

  17. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    thnx. i take pride in my work.

  18. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    Also, when is your book coming out?

  19. Lucinda says:

    Ah, you failed to save me. I watched this last week. It was horrific. And confusing.

  20. Seresecros says:

    Sean Connery wears this outfit round his house in Scotland. Many a time he has been spotted wandering the frozen section of the Co-Op, picking out cornish pasties in his underwear.

  21. Robert says:

    Lucinda,

    Jesus, I only missed by a week? That is truly awful. I feel worse than Sylvester Stallone when he dropped that girl in Cliffhanger. I could literally feel you slipping through my fingers. And now you are Connery’s. You are his forever. He will keep you in his crotch-pouch. I am so sorry.

    tojo,

    Wait…you OWN it? Does it watch you back? Does it mock you whenever you make love? Does it…oh god, does it know?!

    Brett, Smoky,

    I think you two might be able to help each other out. Kind of a “you wash my back, I’ll wash yours and also give you a handjob” kind of situation.

    Mule,

    Bafflingly enough, I had nothing to do with that site. A fact which eats at me, relentlessly.

    Nick,

    What, dude? Wait, I mean wh…ude? Whude?

    steven,

    I think Spring 2010, but it’s not definite yet. Also, I am confused. You know you can’t troll a book right? I mean, I guess you could write derogatory comments in the margins, but the book won’t fight back. Unless it’s the Neverending Story. If that’s the case, you couldn’t take it anyway so you probably shouldn’t.

    Seresecros, Toque,

    What, you think you can just walk back in here like you didn’t run out on me? Oh god, I’ve missed you so much but I don’t want to be hurt again.

  22. Jamie says:

    I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON!! I AM BOTH CONFUSED AND SOMEWHAT TURNED-ON BY YOUR COMMENTS, ROBERT. I AM ALSO MALE, WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. DID THE MOVIE TRAILER I JUST WATCHED HAVE SOME HOMOEROTIC EFFECT ON ME??
    I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON!!

  23. Lucinda says:

    You may not have been able to help me–it came in a nondescript netflix pouch, so I got no warning. If it had arrived in Connery’s crotch-pouch, I could have taken some evasive action.

  24. Lucinda says:

    Steven, stay away from the book. We’re lawyered up.

  25. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    Robert, do you think about what you write? If you did you would never write anything ever again. So try it sometime. You’d be doing us all a big favor.

    Lucinda, you may be lawyered up, but I’m sexed up, and being sexed up is always better.

  26. Robert says:

    steven,

    This coming from a dipshit trying to use the hackneyed “mockingly post under somebody else’s name” schtick? This from a troll with nothing better to do than frequent the comments section of a website he doesn’t even like?

    Everybody thinks that they can be a critic simply because the button is there. But critics, generally, have something intelligent and redefining to say – they usually know a good deal about what they’re critiquing. Even if it’s the cruel criticisms of somebody like Yahtzee, it’s only funny because he knows his subject material. You’re criticizing my comedy writing, and your tired routine sure as hell ain’t funny or eloquent, homey, so you’ve got no opinion. Everybody see your words, sure, but if there’s nothing at all behind them but ignorant bile like this, that’s not an “opinion.” It doesn’t make you “jaded” or “clever,” it just makes you an angry idiot who clearly doesn’t have much going on in his life if he chooses to spend his time like this.

  27. Robert says:

    Ah shit, I let a troll get to me. Not even a good one! What is this, my first day?

  28. Muledriver says:

    Bro, it’s the Zardoz, man. It has that effect on EVERYONE.

    Just watch Blade Runner a few times back to back and you’ll be fine.

  29. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    First of all, I never said I didn’t like your website. and second of all
    “Everybody see your words, sure, but if there’s nothing at all behind them but ignorant bile like this, that’s not an “opinion.” It doesn’t make you “jaded” or “clever,” it just makes you an angry idiot who clearly doesn’t have much going on in his life if he chooses to spend his time like this.”
    That sounds alot like you, seriously.
    And furthermore, I thought I was a pretty good troll.

  30. Robert says:

    Ha! You’re certainly not getting me with a glorified “I know you are but what am I?”

    This is why you’re a sucky troll. This is like Troll 101 up in here.

  31. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    ok. I admit that was pretty crappy. Sorry about that.

  32. Robert says:

    You’re not dog cocks guy, are you? If so, stick to dog cocks! I was just starting to find that funny. I even gave it a shout out in the “internet sixth sense” article.

  33. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    Well i looked at the comment section for that but could not find anything about dog cocks. I think you just made it up.

  34. Sir Fortesque says:

    I am still doomed for seeing Zardoz, but now I am also confused.
    Is Sean Connery’s crotch pouch slang for the vagina he developed after this movie? Did he always have a vagina? Will saying vagina a lot help me after seeing Zardoz?
    Too. Many. Homoerotic. scenes. Doom.

  35. Smart-Maker says:

    Steven, why are you doing this? I mean, you’re not doing anything relevant. You could propably be doing SOMETHING of more worth. Leave Robert alone. Go read a book, watch Zardoz, or even suck those cocks you keep talking anout. If you want attention, threaten yourself with suicide, and maybe then your family would care. IF you won’t do that, at the very least come up with actual criticisms, rather than just sayin “Robert sucks cocks!”

  36. Watty says:

    Wot’s this about dag cocks, then?

    ‘As that pooftah Steven Seib (at Yahoo.com) been on with the dags? With the dags’ cocks in his pie-hole? Wot? Wot?

    SHIIIIIITE.

  37. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    WHO THE FUCK HAS BEEN SENDING ME SHITTY EMAILS!!!!! I will chop off your penis and grind your balls into guacamole.

  38. Robert says:

    Forts,

    Saying vagina might actually help you after this movie, but a measly three times will do nothing. If there is to be any affect whatsoever, I would recommend at least a full day of saying vagina. Also, volume helps!

    Smart-Maker,

    As much as I appreciate the sentiment, homey, please do not feed the trolls. This kind of reaction is the only reason they do this.

    Seib,

    I’m sorry people have been seeking you out to feed you trolling material, but I have asked them to stop. I know you may be upset about this stoppage of convenient troll-isms, but much like wild forest animals, I fear that if you become accustomed to having troll food simply given to you, you may forget how to forage for it and starve to death in the wild. In the end, working for it is better for you.

  39. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    I’m not sure what you just said but it was funny. Too bad it was innacurate. Trolls hide under bridges and eat people who don’t pay the troll toll, and this is the troll toll song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OutgI4XQ-Hs

    So shove that in your adress bar and smoke it.

  40. Barry Big says:

    Zardoz was the most awesome movie of our time. It changed my life and all other movies fail in comparison. Zardoz taught us the problems with immortality and not being able to get it up. I am now prepared for the future.

    I also have bought a man bikini just to wear around the house (only for comfort reasons)

  41. RichoVonBlack says:

    Wait “ZARDOZ”is a movie? ,

  42. steven.seib@yahoo.com says:

    Are you retarded or something?

  43. Matt 'ski says:

    I think it’s about time someone went after “A Boy and His Dog” starring Don Johnson. If anyone thinks “Zardoz” is a legitimate target their eternal soul will be anally raped trying to watch it. A mankini must bow to the sheer awesomeness of a telepathic dog partnered with detective Sonny Crockett.

  44. smoky says:

    hey brett….
    fancy sharing a bath?
    we dont even have to watch Zardoz first…

    Robert, if a blissfull union results from this you’re coming to our wedding.
    and before you ask- yes. Zardoz costumes are mandatory.

  45. Robert says:

    Matt’ski,

    I call your A Boy and His Dog and raise you Lair of the White Wyrm. Hugh Grant and albino cultists who kill with bladed dildos.

    Your move, slick.

  46. Matt 'ski says:

    You got it Robert,
    Sticking with the post-apocalyptic fertility mayhem, “Hell Comes to Frogtown”. Rowdy Roddy Piper and his genital bomb save the fertile women of the future from a mutant frogman and his gang… ball’s in your court.

  47. Robert says:

    One word: Battletruck.

    I’m not even going to explain it, I’m just going to hotlink to this picture and bask in the glow of victory.

  48. Matt 'ski says:

    Battletruck:
    Ah, Michael Beck. The fact that he is reprising his role as Swan in the sequel to “The Warriors” (30 years later!) is the movie equivalent of freebasing testosterone.

  49. zardoz says:

    i is own all ur base belong to us

  50. deadlytoque says:

    Man, I didn’t even realize I’d been name-checked in a comment! And by the man himself, no less! Sorry for ditching out, Robert, it just got so crazy crowded in the comments section. By the time I read your articles (usually late afternoon, after I get back from keeping badguys out of jail) there are already a dozen comments, and I felt like my little insights would be lost in the noise.

    Unlike back in the old days when we planned to steal tornado generators together in our skull-and-crossbones speedos.

    I will endeavour to comment more often (and use lots of Canadian spellings like “endeavour”).

  51. Robert says:

    Matt’ski,

    First I’ve heard of it! Holy shit for Warriors sequel! It’s not a remake though, right, but a true sequel? My friend Nick climbed a mountain with Michael Beck. That was a non-sequiter, but I find it to be an important one.

    Toque,

    Good to see you’re still around, man! I figured the new commenters might’ve driven you away, but if it’s any consolation, you can totally tell all of them that you liked me way before I sold out. That seems to be enough incentive for the hipsters.

  52. Matt 'ski says:

    Robert,
    I assume you’ve checked it yourself by now, but yeah, sequel. Found it on IMDb while trying to trump Battletruck. Game, set, and match on that one, by the way.

  53. Robert says:

    I haven’t actually checked it out yet, but I will now. Also, looking shit up on IMDB? That’s cheating. It’s top of your head or nothing when you play ‘name terrible apocalyptic retard movies at internet strangers’ with me, buddy.

  54. Brett says:

    MAD MAX!

    Oh wait, they have to be retarded and not AWESOME.

  55. Robert says:

    Are you saying that Mad Max is retarded AND awesome? Like, you just called Mad Max retarded? That’s what you’re doing here?

    Motherfucker?

  56. Matt 'ski says:

    Funny, I always thought the whole purpose of the internet was to cheat. Well… that and porn… OK, mostly porn; but still some cheating.

  57. balls says:

    brockway is a petulant child, whose imaginary girlfriend must constantly stoke his ego. also he wets the bed.

  58. Robert says:

    It’s funny…

    Writing for the internet puts you in a unique and kind of fucked up position. You put yourself out there for anybody to attack, yet you rarely learn anything about the people that attack you; they’re cowards, hiding behind their anonymity, childish entitlement, and poorly informed, rash opinions.

    But with a name like ‘balls,’ wow, you know you’ve got a winner on your hands, and you should start valuing his opinions immediately.

  59. Smart-Maker says:

    No, I think people should value his opinion because he uses the word petulent. Incorrectly.

  60. I actually love the movie Zardoz. It’s a little wonky to be sure, but it was really pretty creative science fiction compared to most of the regurgitated crap out there.

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