The movie Zardoz is a distinct, easily recognizable moving picture show in the genre of science fiction featuring popular actor Sean Connery. Because this movie poses a clear and present danger to the sensibilities and tastes of potential viewers, it is best recognized externally, before the actual playing or watching of the movie itself, so as to avoid accidental exposure to the contents within.
- THE FORMAT:
Zardoz, in modern times, is most commonly encountered in DVD format. This is a small round disc approximately 5 inches in diameter, by 1/8th of an inch thick. The DVD will have a reflective, mirror-like surface covering one side, a graphic representation of the movie depicted on the other. It is most comparable in size and shape to a Compact Disc, or much smaller version of a LaserDisc.
Warning: If encountering Zardoz on LaserDisc, please exit the year 1989 calmly but quickly, or you may risk becoming stuck in some sort of time paradox.
- THE CASE:
Most often, however, Zardoz will be contained within its “case.” This is a hinged, hollow plastic box. It is rectangular in shape, roughly ½ an inch deep, 6 inches wide and 8 inches high. In shape and dimension, it resembles a thin paperback novel or instructional manual. The case will have a seam, or groove running mid-way through its perimeter on three sides. The case opens horizontally to reveal its contents, which consist of the aforementioned DVD, and a great deal of confusion and homoeroticism.
- THE COVER:
Both the case and DVD will feature a sizeable graphic of baffling images displayed across their largest flat surface. This is the image that best represents the contents of Zardoz, and will sometimes be referred to as a “cover.” Graphical elements of this cover include a screaming disembodied stone head, which somewhat resembles Karl Marx in the grips of a murderous rage. Centrally located on the cover, you will find an image of an outstretched human hand, holding in its palm a small and extensively hairy man with a ponytail. This man is wearing a red bikini, a grim expression, and nothing else. This man is popular character actor Sean Connery, as mentioned above. Sean Connery will have his face turned to you sideways, in what resembles a fencing stance; his feet and body placed parallel to your viewpoint, while his head and arms face you. To his left, there is a hazily bordered pastoral scene depicting rolling hills and soft green meadows, reminiscent of an idyllic English countryside. Sean Connery appears to be punching it in the face, were it to have one.
The word “Zardoz” will appear on all instances (DVD, Laserdisc, and Case) of the “cover,” image. This is referred to as the “title.” This title is easily recognizable by the much larger “R” and “D” letters found centrally within the word. These letters are shaped as trapezoidal opposites that, when placed together, will most closely resemble a diamond. The word will also appear on the initial image, or “title screen,” of Zardoz, should the movie actually be playing. This serves as an excellent warning system, and will allow approximately two minutes for escape before the actual moving images begin to be displayed, and the image of Sean Connery in drag haunts you until the end of days.
Once any object containing the movie Zardoz is recognized and confirmed, it is recommended to step gingerly away from it, and return it to the location in which it was found. Under no circumstances should the film be played, watched, or heard, lest it forever ruin the character of James Bond and, by extension, all male rodels for the viewer. The movie itself will not be described here out of the goodness of my heart.