A Post Wherein I Kick Your Ass At Life.

EDIT: Also, there’s a new article up over at Atom regarding supervillainy and the internet, which is somewhat redundant. My day to update is Tuesday, if you feel like following along in the future. If you like it, please Digg it, Stumble it, Reddit it, Corndog it, Hackeysnack it, ‘Stache-bash it, Whorehose it or, if you like, I guess you could just read it. I may have made up some of those options. It is up to you to decide which.

So maybe I’ve been dropping hints here and there, but here’s the big announcement, officially:

I just sold my first book!

It’s going to be called Everything is Going to Kill Everybody: A Complete Compendium of the Many Ways Your World Will Die, and it’s all about the apocalypse. It is also, inexplicably, a humor book.

This is the project I’ve been working on for the past few months, and it is also the initial reason that posts were scaled back to once a week. So though I’ll be writing this book over the next year, the post frequency should stay about the same. One thing I want to stress, though, this is not “I Fight Robots: The Book.” It’ll all be %100 new content and %100 real. I’ve been doing exhaustive research on every way the world has actually almost ended, the most viable threats that could end it in the very near future, and the most dangerous experiments just emerging now – that’s the kind of stuff this book is about.

There is also, of course, my hyperventilating, fear-mongering commentary and hyperbolic narrative, and I think it’s turning out to be pretty damn funny so far. The book will be published by Three Rivers Press, a trade paperback division of Random House, whom you may recognize from their other books – like Max Brook’s Field Guide for the Zombie Apocalypse and World War Z and, of course, That One. How on earth they go from Barack Obama to Robert Brockway, I will never understand. I guess if you say them fast, they kind of sound similar.

Do you know why this all happened? Cracked. The publishers were intrigued by some of my Cracked articles and then followed my site for a bit before approaching me. From there it was up to me, but the foot in the door was all thanks to Cracked.com. I’ve been saying the exposure they offer is the single best thing aspiring comedy writers can possibly hope for, and here is the god damn proof. I can now make my living solely by writing, and if I’m very lucky and work my ass off, I have a very real chance at continuing to do so for the rest of my life. If you have any desire to do the same, your first step is clear…

Anyway, I can’t post any of the content, obviously, but here’s the marketing jargon from my proposal to give you a better idea of what the book is about:


Our culture is obsessed with the apocalypse, and it’s easy to see why: As human beings we are all keenly aware of our own mortality, but although we know we all have to die eventually, there is some small amount of comfort in knowing that maybe it’s something we could all do together, as a team. There is, after all, no “I” in “apocalypse.”

This obsession with the end of times is widely represented within our literary canon. There are books cataloguing wacky religious beliefs about the apocalypse, and books addressing the psychological response to it; there are books openly aping other, more successful works by supplying fictional ‘field guides’ to the end of the world, and there are books explaining why it’s stupid to think that it will ever happen. But even amidst this profusion of options, there is not one definitive title that gives the people what they really want: A straight dose of that sick, soul-crushing fear-fix they so desperately desire.

Until now that is. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO KILL EVERYBODY, a collection of twenty-five illustrated comedic essays about the unbelievable and very real experiments, dangerous emerging technologies and terrifying natural disasters that could – or very nearly did – bring about the end of all humanity, will finally give that audience what they so desperately desire: A book that gives them the apocalypse, and gives it to them hard. Just like they like it.


1. Explain new technologies, complex scientific theories, and bizarre natural phenomena in clear, understandable terms.

2. Needlessly exaggerate the fear factor inherent in said scientific developments until the reader is left frantically clawing at the flesh about their eyes in a misguided attempt to remove the horrible visions that have been conjured up from the abyssal murk of their collective unconscious, and finally…

3. Probably end on a nice, harmless joke, thus enabling the uneasy, tentative dismissal of these fears through nervous laughter.

4. Then, because the author is a spiteful, petty man: We’re going right back to that horror again.

What this book will not do is take any sort of metaphysical stance on the end of mankind. It will not cover cop-out bullshit like developments that could “irrevocably alter our society.” It will not take the “grand scheme of things” approach by covering stuff like astrological events, billions of years away, that could destroy our long-dead planet. And it will absolutely not take the easy route, by simply fictionalizing some potential apocalyptic scenarios and asking “wouldn’t that be scary, folks?” No, every single subject within this book fits three simple, important criteria: They affect the reader directly, they pose a real threat, and they have not been covered in mainstream media before. To put it more succinctly: Everything here will kill you and everyone you love. It will do it very soon. And nobody’s told you about it yet.

In short, this book will be like paying old people to fight each other: It’s a hilarious, crazy, light-hearted romp… that will slowly but persistently wear away at your morale with the dark realization of your own impotence in the face of impending death. Good times when it’s actually happening, though!

Comparative Titles

The dramatic, overnight success of websites like Cracked and television shows like The Colbert Report is due to a very large market right now that clamors with equal fervor for both cold, hard facts and cruel-hearted, immature humor. This audience is intelligent, casual, slightly nerdy, and very willing to spend their money to be entertained. And as you can see, the massive success of these other books in the genre also proves that they’re avid readers both online and off:

Max Brook’s blockbuster hit, The Zombie Survival Guide, definitively proved that everybody is a secret masochist and has a schoolgirl crush on the end of the world. Combining humor with the end of days is a sure-fire success, and where Brooks’ book covered in great detail what a realistic response to a fictional zombie apocalypse looks like, Everything is Going to Kill Everybody will compliment that knowledge with some very real ways that apocalypse could come true.

People that bought The Alphabet of Manliness by Maddox will love this book for its incisive, critical voice, its ridiculous, hyperbolic analogies, and its crass, sharp-tongued humor. Everything is Going to Kill Everybody will be a book by complete bastards, about complete bastards, and for complete bastards. And everyone is a complete bastard, when it comes right down to it.

How to Survive a Robot Uprising, by Daniel Wilson showed that the appeal of Max Brooks’ books did not lie in their depiction of zombies, but in their description of the apocalypse in general. Everything is Going to Kill Everybody will contain real life robotic assassins, as well as mind-controlling parasites, killer plagues and impending natural disasters; basically, whatever apocalyptic scenario gets your particular, twisted rocks off – we’ve got you covered. It is a veritable encyclopedia of death, terror and, of course, comedy.

Fuckin’ A!

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53 Responses to A Post Wherein I Kick Your Ass At Life.

  1. Paul says:

    Right on, man. Right fucking on.


  2. Ken says:

    I am so buying this book!

  3. chad says:


  4. Captain Weebo says:

    I would buy it : P

  5. Muledriver says:

    I’d buy that for a dollar!

    Also, dicks.

  6. I tore my pants. Not with my hands.
    It had better god damn publish in Eastern Europe.


  7. Not Steeeeeeeve says:

    holy fucking shit i will pay whatever ridiculous price you charge for this

  8. Not Steeeeeeeve says:

    oh and dicks i guess?

  9. Watty says:

    Oi! Books is for poofters!


  10. Blockhead says:

    Quite roit, Watty! You tell ’em how it is, the yankee bastards. this is RUBBISH!

  11. Seresecros says:

    Congrats! You deserve it. I am quite literally prepared to pay you money for this book.

  12. Mick Frisco says:

    Fuck Yeah Bro!
    Im glad your writing got noticed, you are a funny uncle fucker.

  13. Brett says:

    I am confused… So this ISN’T a book about dicks?

  14. deadlytoque says:

    Grats, Robert! We all knew it was coming, but that makes us no less happy that it did. Also, I am going to use the fact that I’ve been reading IFR from day one to score with indie-nerd chicks. So thanks for that!

  15. Travis says:

    Congratulations to you sir.

    Your comedic stylings are definitely deserving of a full fledged book.

    Can you taste the envy? Because it’s palpable.

  16. Robert says:

    Thanks so much, everybody!

    I would thank you all individually, but in case you haven’t heard: I’m kind of really a big deal now. So only fellow celebrities will be acknowledged independently from here on out. It’s like you all just instantly became a blurred mass of unrecognizable, unimportant mush the second I got noticed.


  17. Brett says:

    I’m Spider-man, does that count as a celebrity?

  18. Muledriver says:

    I have one of Dom DeLuise’s testicles in a jar.

    I mean, sorry to shock and/or offend, but piss off plebeians, it qualifies me as a celebrity.

  19. Robert says:

    Hello Mule, Hello Brett. Lovely to see you two here. Pull up the dreams of a peasant and have a seat, won’t you?

  20. keith says:

    hey man, like you’re website but you need to change the header on the main page. Nobody can read the title of the article with the multi-colored thing.

  21. Muledriver says:

    Oh, you’re right. Here, let me read that for you. It says:


    Or it might say something different. I don’t know. I’m legally blind.

  22. Dustin says:

    gj everyrobert, I’m already sold.

  23. the girlfriend says:

    Hey Keith, where’d you get your browser, Russia? Only Russians use IE anymore.

    Prove me wrong and I would be glad to fix it. Because it sucks to be that incredibly inconvenienced.

  24. Alex says:

    you’re very right I am a complete bastard, and look very forward to reading you’re book 🙂

  25. keith says:

    im just saying having black lettering on top of a black background isnt brilliant. also, im actually a fan so sarcasm isnt necessary, but hey ah ha ha “russia” thats hiliarious. You should get your own website called “Roberts Girlfriend Makes Retarded Jokes To People Who Are Trying To Be Helpful”

  26. Robert says:

    We didn’t know about that Keith, we didn’t really think anybody would be viewing this page with IE. Other things we didn’t think people would be viewing this page with:

    A Series of Faxes
    Lite Brite
    Ancient Papyrus
    Commodore 64
    Goat Intestines Spilled at Midnight

    We’ll get right on formatting that header for you as soon as we find a hammer and chisel to edit the code with.

  27. keith says:

    not to worry, wont be checking out your website anymore. i know how hard it is to copy/paste a different pic onto the source. good to know you would rather alienate former fans than actually get your web designer to design your website.

  28. Robert says:

    So, in a congratulatory post about my life-changing news, your only comment was some finicky bitching about a minor design flaw on an obsolete platform? Then, when you are very lightly mocked for your browser choice, you call my girlfriend retarded, throw a huge hissy fit, and then threaten to take your ball and go home?

    Haha, okay, Keith! I may need some counseling, but I think that one day I’ll get over the tragic fucking loss of your occasional readership and maybe, just maybe, I can reluctantly learn to love again with the help of a charmingly befuddled englishman.

    Seriously though, if you’re leaving us, may I suggest some other websites for you, being trapped in decades old, outdated technology and all? Maybe you could order some Red Bull Lite from Kozmo.com? Or login to your yahoo home page, and watch some Pets.com videos? Maybe you could spend some time looking at that funny ‘You’re The Man Now Dog’ site! I hear they can even play sounds now! But they can be kind of mean, so you might just wanna stick to the mylittlepony.com forums for a while. I hear that if you hurt somebody’s feelings in there, you go to the rainbow jail and only get glitter-water and some stale cloud-bread to eat for a whole day 😦

    I realize that’s a lot of text to get through, so here’s some cliff’s notes for my response.

    1. I began by implying that you’re an entitled little prick

    2. I then insisted that you were technologically retarded

    3. I think I may have called you a pussy at the end there. Hold on, let me check. Yep! I sure did!

    Godspeed, Keith!

  29. Alex says:

    Wow that was like the smartest burn I’ve ever heard, Premo Robert!

    …I still use IE, although I hear good things about Firefox. IE gets me by for now though. Anyways cheers to the wicked burn:D

  30. Robert says:

    You feel free to use whatever you want, homey. Just try to refrain from calling the love of my life mentally handicapped if she makes a harmless joke about it’s obsolescence. That’s all you gotta do!

  31. Brett says:

    God damn it, I leave to fight ONE super-villain and I miss stuff! Being a superhero is dildos. The thing I find odd is that Keith is expecting nice people on the intertubes. He should be aware we’re all robots and mal-adjusted dicks… who are also robots.

  32. Robert says:


    Seriously. Especially at this site. Maybe he was a newcomer and hadn’t seen Blockhead and Watty – so maybe he didn’t know in advance that I string people up who even slightly disagree with me about video games, much less people who imply that my girlfriend has to wear a crash helmet to the grocery store.

  33. Muledriver says:

    I guess that guy didn’t understand that when people here say “Also, dicks” they’re usually talking about the other commenters.

  34. the girlfriend says:

    If only it were so easy as copy & pasting, Keith. We would all be sipping div martinis and gazing at the color=”sunset” right now. On the Russian steppes.

    Little known fact: I work with adults with developmental disabilities, so I got a posse and their name is Will Fuck You Up (For Cake).

  35. Robert says:


    I fucking love you!

    Let’s be vicious together, forever.

  36. When is it coming out?(In America).

    I was too tired to read all the burn text, but saw the smiley (obviously inserted for people like me who are often nonplussed) which informed me of the essentials. Keith = 😦

    (Keith is a retarded smiley).

    Also on a non related note, I have attempted to view the website using goat intestines, it was red, with blue in the middle.
    (I made sausages afterwards).

  37. Robert says:

    Early 2010 is the target for America, not really sure how other market releases work yet. I’m learning this as I go…

  38. Kevin says:

    If i’ve learned anything from the career launching wondersite cracked.com, its that when something is released in foreign markets, its the same as in America except with more nudity, less plot, more dancing and may actually be completely unrelated to the original version. http://www.cracked.com/article_16704_9-foreign-rip-offs-cooler-than-hollywood-originals.html

  39. sandswipe says:

    I must say, this sounds almost exactly like Death From The Skies by Phil Plait of Badastronomy, but I bought that book so maybe you’ll do well. This also seems to have a lot more tech focus.

    One thing: make sure to explain the difference between destroying humanity and destroying the Earth. The earth is a billons of tons ball of iron, and being hit by a planet the size of mars isn’t enough to destroy it, just melt it a little. Geocide is a really hard goal.

  40. Robert says:


    I didn’t see that one when I was looking for similar titles, but you’re right – that’s the closest thing out there. However, I specifically went out to avoid the far-distant celestial events that seem to be the primary focus of his book, and instead focused only on the immediate or potentially immediate ones. Also, I think this will be a generally more humor-focused approach, so hopefully there won’t be too much overlap.

  41. Dre says:

    Good luck making money.

  42. Robert says:

    They pay you in advance, homey. So I already did make money. But hey, thanks for the sarcasm?

    Unless that wasn’t sarcasm, in which case just thanks in general.

  43. Irish soberman says:

    Will there be an audiobook? For I need my books read to me still. Oh,…and what games can I bash so that you can punch me in my throat’s face?

  44. Robert says:

    Honestly…maybe. It was in the contract, but I’m not sure if that was just a technicality or not.

  45. Lucinda says:

    I did buy this book 🙂 Gonna be awesome.

  46. Robert says:

    It’s coming along awesome too, Lucinda! Hopefully we can get it out before my chapter on Supervolcanoes becomes a moot point.

  47. Casey says:

    Sooooooo…..we weren’t supposed to look at this website through goat-entrails? Dammit. I always get that part wrong.

    I’m gonna buy your book, and thoroughly enjoy reading it without the goat-entrails; or maybe with them…I kinda like the squishiness.

  48. Robert says:

    If you are commenting via goat-guts, sir, you are to be commended.

    And then burned.


  49. sam says:

    i cant find it i searched amazon and three rivers press’s website its not there

  50. Robert says:


    I’m still writing it. It will be out in Spring of 2010. I know, that’s like…officially the future. It will come packaged with a hoverboard.

  51. J Rylez says:

    Damnnn I can’t wait for that book It’s like words and stuff, like on the internet but on Paper! Man why didn’t they invent this stuff sooner?!?! I could have been reading the internet everywhere!

  52. Anon says:

    I’m buying it so that I can rub it all over my dog’s cock.

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