Science at the Improv 2: Science Harder

I am intensely lazy, and so it is time again for Science at the Improv! Where instead of one long writeup about a tech story, I give you a series of articles followed by short commentary, so that I devote more of my time trying to beat Mega Man 9, because Flame Man is a fucking cocksucker.


The Camoria is a camera that’s rigged to shoot pictures in reaction to your emotional state. Its controller is worn behind the ear, and triggered to shoot with specific settings when the user experiences certain emotions. For example, if you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, the camera will snap a shot like this:

If you’re feeling naught but bilious rage, you’ll probably get this right here:

And if sometimes you have to cut yourself, just to feel something again, you probably just took this picture:


The Deep Brain Stimulation treatment is a new surgical treatment for depression, wherein a series of platinum leads are placed inside the patient’s brain, and hooked up to a small battery installed in either the clavicle or abdomen. By controlling the electrical impulses to specific sections of the brain with short, interfering pulses, the patients were able to see a massive sustained improvement in their emotional state over the course of the following 12-month study period.

So be sure to tell your doctor if you’re feeling a bit down, so that he can cut open your brain, chest and stomach, where he’ll install bizarre devices that will softly electrocute you for an entire year straight. Also, see if he can rig that shit up to your Camoria, so that every time you go to take one of these pictures:

It turns out like this:

The is a new UK-based game system geared towards children. It is typically installed in playgrounds or parks, and basically functions like a giant version of Bop-it, where the players are given instructions on how to manipulate a series of buttons, toggles and levers. The game is even hooked into the internet, so that players from across the world can compete against other playgrounds.

Yes. Yes, please do hook up playground games – ones where kids have to pull, push, stroke, thrust and jam levers – directly to the internet. Actually just hook them right into Myspace. Also please have them register their player names with all of their personal information, the streets they use to take home, and their favorite kind of ice cream.

“Now twist it! Okay, now jam it! Alright now, fuck it! What? What’s wrong? I SAID DO IT, KID!”

Jesus. I have been ending on some fucked up images lately. That’s worse than naked black batman. And that is a sentence I thought I would never have to type.

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19 Responses to Science at the Improv 2: Science Harder

  1. Muledriver says:

    If I ever get to tag an article with “old men fucking plastic goats for some reason“…

    I will know my life has been worth something.

  2. the girlfriend says:

    There’s a picture of me and my bathtub! I love my bathtub.

  3. Mike says:

    Why do people (emo variety) always take pictures of themselves in a mirror? Does depression make you unable to ask someone else to take a picture of you, or to set up the time delay on the camera?

  4. Brett says:

    I like this whole “Fuck pills, let’s use electricity like MEN” thing. Finally people have realized that you can fix ANYTHING by shooting it with lightning. It worked for Frankenstein, why can’t it work for the rest of the world?

  5. hammer says:

    @ mike

    i think its because all their friends are busy loitering at the mall.

  6. Luke says:

    I don’t know. I think emo chicks are hot…if only they didn’t ACT emo.

  7. Mike says:

    I do kinda agree that emo girls can be sexy, but I guess I still just wish i could be taking those bathroom photos of them. Why can’t angst be expressed by giving me handjobs? The world (me) would be a better place.

  8. Robert says:


    Who’s stopping you? Listen: Old men fuck plastic sheep, and nobody knows the reason for it. All you have to do is find a new, funny angle to write about it with. Might I suggest “best sheep to fuck,” “best reasons to fuck sheep,” or – and this is gold here – “fucking plastic sheep…what sheep think about it!” That’s paid, right there. So you’re welcome.

    The Girlfriend,

    Clearly, as evidenced by the above picture, you do not love anything; there is only a kind of numbness that takes you, because it is all too much to bear. Also, take it off.


    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There’s no emotional problem that lightning cannot fix.


    If there was anybody there to love them, they wouldn’t be so depressed as to need the self esteem boost given by taking provocative pictures in the bathroom and posting them on the internet. Be careful what you wish for.


    You don’t actually think Emo girls are hot. You think Rocker chicks are hot. Emo girls just stole the Rocker chick look, only instead of being “fun,” and “crazy,” they are “deep,” and “annoying.” It is a horrible trap; one presenting you with an appealing facade that ultimately crumbles to reveal naught but callow emotional baggage and collage making skills.

  9. JP says:

    What’s wrong with emo-chicks? They’re like self-cleaning ovens.
    Also, (I hope)you’re thinking of inflatable sheep Muledriver, not goats. What kind of sick fuck is turned on by goats. -JP

  10. Muledriver says:

    Well, not real goats. That’s just crazy.

    Inflatable goats on the other hand?

    By the way…how, exactly, is an emo chick like a self-cleaning oven?

  11. Robert says:

    Thank god somebody else asked that. I was afraid I was too stupid about emos to understand an obvious joke at their expense.

  12. Lisa says:

    Well, I wish my lawn were emo. That way it’d cut itself.

  13. Trance says:

    I’m still confused about the self-cleaning oven thing ^.^

  14. Robert says:

    Okay, seriously, I just can’t seem to let this go. How?



    Google has no answers for me! I theorize, but it is all mere conjecture! Is it because they’re so hot? Because – though they function in principal – in practice they are entirely useless? Because they’ve got black crap permanently crusted at the corners?

    Actually, those are all really good answers.

    Okay, nevermind. I’m good now.

  15. Brett says:

    No Robert, it’s beacause self-cleaning ovens are so misunderstood, no one can comprehend all the pain a self cleaning oven goes through.

  16. Muledriver says:

    I think it’s because self-cleaning ovens cry crystal tears of despair that shatter on the tomb-cold granite soul of desperate love.

    At least mine does.

    It also ate my cat, though, so something else might be going on there entirely.

  17. Robert says:


    I understand self-cleaning ovens. It’s just that I hate them. One can understand and hate simultaneously.

    Oh wait, I think I’m thinking of Ukrainians.


    Your oven is Ghoser. Call Dan Ackroyd. I would say go for Bill Murray, but we both know which one’s busy right now, don’t we?

  18. J Rylez says:

    Message:Yeah i had problems once then I tried to plug in my TV or something and got shocked the hell out of, it really changed my world and my hair style at the same time! thank god for science and um I don’t know magic? yeah sounds right

  19. MegaSeveN says:

    Flame Man?! That’s not Flame Man! Consider me outraged! That, sir, is Magma Man. Flame Man was in Mega Man 6…

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