Variable Velocity Weapon System: A Bullet for Every Occasion

The army will pretty much hurl money at you if you even kind of want to hurt somebody, and they’ll hurl a shit-ton if you happen to have a new and novel means to do so. The Variable Velocity Weapon System is certainly that. The VVWS is pretty self explanatory; it is a new type of gun that fires using pockets of gas ignited behind the projectile, rather than the conventional powder reaction. This method allows different amounts of the gas into the chamber, in order to vary the speed of a bullet and thus, its lethality. That’s a pretty straightforward explanation, but there’s an even better way to explain the VVWS: It’s a pump-action pellet gun that goes all the way up to 11.

You see, Gentlemen…that’s one more.

Any weapon using the VVWS would have the ability to switch – on the fly – from ‘lethal’ rounds, to ‘wounding, incapacitating’ rounds, all the way down to just ‘bruising’ rounds. Essentially, you can now carry around one device that is capable of murdering all potential assailants, crippling a man for life, or just punching a dude in the beanbags from across the street for looking like a bit of a douche.

This…this is too much power.

But why would I say that, when it’s actually a lessening of lethality? How could that possibly be “too much power?” Well, try to imagine the moral dilemma that firing a gun now poses. With a normal rifle, you have two options: Possibly kill a guy, or don’t shoot. It’s literally a life or death situation. This, at least, gives you pause. With a VVWS weapon, you now have the option to just tell the enemy to go fuck themselves, and you can let them know exactly how hard they should do it by adjusting the strength of your shot.

What?! What did he just say to me?! That’s it! That’s fucking it! I’m setting this thing to ‘Yo Momma.’

While the optimist in me thinks that this could be a great development – imagining future battles that are like the denouement of a G.I. Joe episode, where everybody just gets a stern talking to by the hails of gunfire – the pessimist in me cannot help but envision a dystopian, nightmarish future: One where all negative interactions in day-to-day life are communicated solely by the strength of one’s gunfire. No longer would I have to argue with my girlfriend about whether or not she should turn up the volume on her Youtube videos while I’m trying to watch Futurama (which, in all fairness, was an episode that I had already memorized and could simply recite to myself sotto voce to achieve the same effect.) No, in the future I would simply turn to her and fire a ‘Minor Annoyance’ bullet into her thigh. At which point she would return fire with ‘Justified Indignation,’ and our dispute would be resolved. Unless I had a bad day…then I might retaliate with ‘It’s Just Common Courtesy,’ and she with ‘Whatever, I Do What I Want.’ Eventually this minor squabble could escalate out of control; finally culminating with the two of us crouched in the street behind the burning wreckage of automobiles, our respective weapons set to ‘Super Murder’ and ‘Fine Pink Mist.’


Because they don’t just “go to 11,” like I implied earlier. They go far, far beyond it. Bruce Lund, the CEO of Lund and Company Invention (the toy company responsible for the development of VVWS,) says that they expect an individual weapon will be able to scale “from handgun to howitzer,” and that “with modifications, it could achieve greater range than most conventional sniper rifles.” So theoretically, the same weapon could:

1: Flick you in the ear
2: Punch you in the guts
3: Knock you unconscious
4: Bring down a damn fighter jet

That kind of control is going to lead to some awkward moments for the major metropolitan police forces in most American cities. They’re already Tasering people to death on a bi-hourly basis, and those were never even supposed to be lethal. The next time there’s a ‘crowd control situation,’ just try explaining why all the white people have rose-tinted slap-marks on their tummies, while the one black guy is a new coat of paint across downtown. There’s going to have to be some pretty impressive new answers to justify the higher ratio of dead black dudes now that your firearm is capable of everything from Spring Breeze to Cautionary Slap.

“He was black as night, Your Honor! It’s like natural camouflage! If the sun went down he’d have been nigh invisible! HOW DO YOU FIGHT A THREAT YOU CANNOT SEE?!”

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23 Responses to Variable Velocity Weapon System: A Bullet for Every Occasion

  1. This technology should definitely be combined with the healing gun(s) previously written about. That way you could have a gun set to: apology, repair minor wound or perhaps just resurrect.
    It is pretty much expected that magic fuckin’ wands will be around soon with everything from shoot, heal, kill, send text message…

  2. Verbal communication can finally be abandoned. Yay.

  3. And I think I qualify for a grant from the government. I will stop writing now.

  4. Muledriver says:

    I always ask about where you find the pictures that go with your articles but that last one? I don’t want to know. Hot? No question. But I still… just don’t want to know.

    Anyway, I wanted to see if I could get a little link love now that you’ve inspired me to do my own website.

    I know I already wrote one requisite GI Joe-themed haiku, but that was a few weeks ago. In the interest of fairness and freshness, here you go:

    Cobra Commander
    No pony on his birthday
    Now, he is evil

  5. Robert says:


    I never thought about it like that, but yeah, the government is pretty much working on magic wands. I fear that terrible day when the United States Sorcerer’s Imperium darken the skies with their F-94 Flight Brooms. Also, you’ll never get a government grant trying to help people. What are you, retarded?


    Fuckin’ A you can get linkage. I really, really like the site too. The election day primer was my favorite so far – though it’s tough to beat cow-piss girl-batman. What an excellent sentence you have allowed me to type. Thank you, sir.

  6. Muledriver says:


    No, sir, thank you and your gorgeous abs.

  7. the girlfriend says:

    I knew you’d seen that episode a million times. And come on, I was trying to watch the Wu-Tang documentary trailer. I was only trying to expose you to some fresh entertainment.

    You admitting to some small portion of a sliver of fault on your website? That the macadamia nut!

  8. Brett says:

    You know who else has a variable weapon system? Megaman. And look at the future he is in. A future where old people build robots. Not for sponge baths and for telling at kids to get off their lawn, but to take over the world… This technology must be stopped.

  9. Luke says:

    This could have dire ramifications for the paintball and airsoft industries.

  10. Robert says:


    I am doing my best to avert this horrific Megaman future with posts like these, as well as firing small chunks of concrete at flaming bastard robots.


    Yes. It bodes very ill for them. Especially because now you can bring down a fighter jet if you set it wrong. “Woops, sorry man! Had it set for Genocide instead of Wacky Good Times. My bad!”

  11. chalks says:

    I know this is slightly off topic, but considering that you DO fight robots, I thought your attention should be brought to this:

    Why? Because “Dear God what is that thing”

    Also: “Boffins”

  12. Robert says:


  13. Muledriver says:

    You know, since we’re among friends here?

    I’d hit it.

  14. Do robot fucking Paedophiles (Pedophiles if your American)live near you?

    “Millions are being made?”
    Just for Japan?

    Gung Ho is crazy
    He makes me pee in my pants
    Joe hates him as well

    No website too lazy, but I needed to contribute.

  15. Robert says:

    Word. That was four different kinds of wrong: Robot fucking, child molesting, asian fetishizing and abusing the mentally handicapped. But then, I guess it is science’s fault for building a robot asian child retard in the first place.

    Where’s the demographic clamoring for that, anyway? Jaded white businessmen too poor to fly to Thailand?

  16. Muledriver says:

    Did you guys notice that the company mass producing these things is named Cyberdyne?

  17. Brett says:

    Great, now I can only see an apocalyptic universe where tiny Asian retards have taken over the world. Thanks Mule thanks for what now haunts my dreams.

  18. Robert says:

    Yeah, I knew about Cyberdyne already, because they make several evil robots. They made over half the robots on my ‘creepiest robots,’ article. You’d think you would want to avoid naming your company after pure evil, especially if you manufacture pure evil. Just to kind of…throw the scent off, I guess? At least they’re up front about it though. You’ve got to respect that in a supervillain.

  19. Robert says:


    Good job, dude. You get the same deal as Mule. Future linkage is assured, should you suddenly develop a narcissistic complex and create a webpage devoted to your insane love for yourself. Might I suggest,, or the simple but clear

  20. Beau says:

    This is pretty interesting technology. i could see a lot of wide range uses. I can imagine all kinds of guns, real, paintball, airsoft, being able to leverage it to make more flexible gun designs

  21. So upset that I am only now stumbling upon this article – and into a nightmare of Paintball-firing Retard-Robots putting a stranglehold on our ability to converse while racially profiling everyone:
    “Scary mongoloid robot? Check. Move along.”
    “Scary mongoloid? Check. Move along.”
    “Sca… Whoa there, BlackBatman, where’s the fire? Sir, please step out of the car. We need to test you in our “Bio-Universal Kinesthetic Knowledge Environment” Tent…
    Sir, why are you snickering? No, that acronym is not a mistake. I don’t even know what that is; I’m a mongoloid-robot. Set phaser to ‘sandpaper felate’.”

  22. J Rylez says:

    Message:haha idk personally I would enjoy a gun that I could use on whatever i wanted… but then again I am just in highschool and kinda a dick soo it probably would be a bad idea

  23. ARG says:

    Message:Is no one going to point out that the guy in the first picture is clearly wearing one of those fake nose/glasses/mustache things?

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