Joe Davis: Science Pirate

We have another nominee for The Indiana Jones of the Hard Sciences, and I think he’s going to take the title from Pritchard and his hookworm windbreaker. This is Joe Davis, and his list of accomplishments reads like Slash Fiction about Paul Bunyon and Chuck Norris gangbanging Bill Nye the Science Guy:

Note the new trend: Mad Scientist Aviators.

Davis has a map of our galaxy broken down into a series of base DNA pairs, and is coding it into transgenic lab-mice. To put it more succinctly: Joe Davis is genetically engineering the Milky Way into a mouse’s ear.

To measure the stress levels of certain strains of Bacteria, Davis blasts amplified music at them for extended periods of time. To put it more succinctly: Joe Davis makes E. Coli listen to jazz, just to see if it gets pissed off about it.

An experiment of Davis’ revolves around the spontaneous self-assembly of primitive life-forms. He hopes to see if a usable state can be provoked in simple organisms. To put it more succinctly: Joe Davis is trying to see if he can force primitive lifeforms to evolve…into working clocks.

A very punctual race. ZING!

In protest of what he viewed as censorship, Davis beamed his own, female-friendly version of the famous Arecibo Message toward a distant star cluster. To put it more succinctly: Joe Davis stuck microphones inside the vaginas of the entire Boston Ballet, and shot the sound of them contracting into space. Why? Because fuck Carl Sagan and his SETI bullshit, that’s why! No, seriously. That is actually why.

Davis commissioned fishing hooks 25 microns long, attached them to regular-sized fishing poles, and equipped them with proportionate force-feedback controls, all in order to catch microscopic lifeforms. To put it more succinctly: Joe Davis doesn’t cultivate single-cell organisms for his experiments; he lands them like swordfish…with full-size deep-sea fishing tackle.

Need more evidence? Fine: Joe Davis has three garbage bins; they are labeled Trash, Recycling, and Radioactive. Joe Davis tried to put a 100,000 watt laser on the nose of the Space Shuttle, hoping that when it fired it would trigger a local Aurora Borealis. He was only stopped because The Challenger exploded! Joe Davis has a motherfucking peg leg! He built it himself. It has a test tube stopper for traction and opens beer bottles. If you ask him how he lost the leg, Davis will loudly recite erotic poetry about making out with alligators to you, until you eventually get embarrassed and leave.

If you had to define him – as an artist, a biologist, a physicist, etc. – the closest working term would be “Science Pirate.”

I was going to say “like this, but with more cock.” But there is literally no way to put more cock into this image. This image is 100% cock.

His latest project, however, is why I’m really nominating Joe Davis for Indiana Jones of the Hard Sciences: It’s a memorial for victims of hurricanes. He’s building a ten-story tall tower in Mississippi that harnesses the excess electrical nitrogen in the air, typically brought on by lightning storms. What does this memorial do with that harnessed energy? Maybe light a virtual ‘eternal flame’ in mourning? Maybe power a set of bells that plays a funeral dirge? Maybe run a sound file, reciting the names of the dead? Does that kind of hippy bullshit seem like the man who shoots pussy at aliens?

No, Joe Davis’ memorial will return that energy – immediately – back to the storm in the form of a giant laser. Davis, you see, is sick of nature getting to shoot a bunch of flashy shit at us without fear of reprisal, so he designed something to hit back. He named it “Call Me Ishmael,” because it futilely rages against nature like Captain Ahab.

Note the mad scientist goggles and the god damn peg leg!

The laser, of course, has no tangible effects. It doesn’t break up the storm, or signal a warning, or even gather information. The laser does one and only one thing; it takes a swing back at the storm for every hit it lands on us. The greatest part? It’s not even a visible laser. Nobody will be entertained or actively reminded of a tragedy by this memorial. It exists only to fight back, regardless of whether or not you pay attention to it.

Like this, but the guy on the ground is us, the guy in the black leather is nature, and the shit-faced hobo is a confused alien race. So…not really at all like this, actually.

This is the kind of memorial we need more of, not obscurely symbolic shapes like the Washington Monument, but low-grade weapons that fire eternally when provoked. Because let’s face it, it’s pretty likely that we’re going to wipe ourselves out at some point in the near future – we’re just too weaponized and too stupid to last – so let’s leave a fitting reminder for the extra-terrestrial lifeforms that may visit our planet long after we are gone. We don’t want them to land and just see a bunch of lines and circles commemorating our existence.

No, when they land, let them behold our legacy in the form of a giant middle finger, taking drunken rage swings at the surrounding natural phenomena, because even the earth itself ain’t gonna front on us and get away with it.

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33 Responses to Joe Davis: Science Pirate

  1. Watty says:


  2. Brett says:

    I hope that when I die, my memorial has a giant hammer on it, so that when people walk near it or leave flowers or anything it just swings the hammer and kills them. It will have a hit counter on it and a looping video of me pelvic thrusting… I should be president.

  3. Muledriver says:

    Ironically, I was tossing around the idea of voting for Brett in the upcoming election.

    After reading his description of his monument? Well, let’s just say the deal is sealed.

    Brett / Giant Hammer ’08.

  4. Muledriver says:

    Of course, I meant coincidentally. Not ironically.

    But I’m still voting Brett / Hammer ’08.

  5. MalcolmXmas says:

    Fuck president, Brett shall be king of the world.

  6. Torgo says:

    Brett shouldn’t be President, he should be Secretary of Agriculture

  7. Muledriver says:

    Speaking as the current Secretary of Agriculture i would have to say, uh, no.

  8. Luke says:

    Is that Sean Connery? Where in God’s name is that picture from?! Some kind of alternate reality James Bond?

  9. Muledriver says:

    That is Connery in a movie called

    Don’t ask me how I knew that.

  10. Seresecros says:

    Having seen that picture of Connery, I now renounce heterosexuality forevermore. That is what all men should look like – eh, fellas?


  11. Robert says:


    One of the first things I wrote for the internet was this thing about my own ideal funeral. It’s a rough read – being five years old and on livejournal – but it does raise some interesting questions: Is funereal comedy a genre? If not, why not? If so, who is its Seinfeld? If there is no Funereal Comedy Seinfeld, could it be…you?

    Dear Everybody Else,

    Brett’s very own blog is over here SINCE YOU ALL FUCKING LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I would link to him, but he has yet to write me a haiku about G.I. Joe, as is the requirement for linkage from this site.


    Have you not seen Zardoz? Why have you not seen Zardoz? STOP READING THIS BLOG AND GO WATCH ZARDOZ! What’s your fucking problem, man? Sean Connery is basically a science pirate from the future who steals a giant stone head that is also a spaceship from the wizard who terrorizes the future’s cavemen with said stone head ship, and then is tricked into studding for rich future-sluts. It is the ideal movie. It is 100 times better than reading this comment. So please, stop reading this comment and watch it instead. It is only fair to the universe.

    Dude…fucking stop it. Stop reading this. Go watch Zardoz.

    What the fuck, man? GO.

  12. Robert says:

    Also, please note the kickin’ new layout by the one, the only, The Girlfriend. Seriously, note it. There will be a test later, regarding awesome things that The Girlfriend has done.

    Material also covered in this test will be Wookie Shrinky-dinks and Pity-dating Robert.

  13. Kevin says:

    I noted the shit of the new layout.
    Props to the girlfriend for overcoming untold relationship dissatisfaction to become a hell of a web designer.

  14. Robert says:


    I know, she’s awesome in every way.

    (The secret is regular beatings)

    (She beats the living shit out of me all the time.)


  15. the girlfriend says:


    I think I lost that wookie shrinky-dink. :(….

  16. Brett says:

    I am the SnowJob,

    The new mission has no snow,

    I thus useless…

    Poor Snowjob, even in Haiku form he has no point. How about one about Snake Eyes?

    Snake Eyes is ninja,

    He glows bright in darkness


  17. Robert says:

    Excellent. Now you are linked.

    People often think I’m joking, or being facetious when I tell them my criteria for linking, but I assure you this is not the case. I will link pretty much anything if they write me a haiku about G.I. Joe.

    I actually do not know why this should be; I think it’s some kind of rare neurological disorder.

    Narcissistic Popculturist Megalomania?

  18. Muledriver says:

    Hey, is Gung Ho queer?
    He wears a powder blue vest
    Which is sleeveless, too

    Off the top of my head.

    No website to link, unfortunately.

  19. Robert says:

    Good work, though you lose points for failing to mention his leather biker cap. Although, I understand the creative dilemma – the poem was begging the question of Gung Ho’s homosexuality, and should you have brought up the biker cap, it would have limited the form severely. It would have to have read:

    Hey, is Gung Ho Queer?
    He wears a green leather cap.
    So, yes.

    That’s really the only way that last line could logically read, and that sacrifices the haiku format. So, excellent work. I will consider you metaphorically linked, and if you ever get a website this will, of course, apply toward all future linkage.

  20. Paul says:

    G.I. Joe is
    Known to cause massive gayness;
    You watched as a kid.

  21. Robert says:

    Pretty good, Paul, but I don’t link to livejournals as they are naught but an online beard for homosexuals seeking rough sex from men in cartoon bear suits.

    Wait shit, I have a livejournal. Must be just yours, then.

    Totally just…just yours, and not mine at all.

    On a completely unrelated note: Who wants to come over and watch some Yogi Bear with me? See what happens?

  22. the girlfriend says:

    This is on behalf of BUST Magazine. To test your theory.

    All I know about
    G.I. Joe, I learned from you.

    So are you man enough?

  23. Robert says:

    “I will link pretty much anything if they write me a haiku about G.I. Joe.”

    I’ll link Bust if their staff writes me a G.I. Joe haiku – that would be rad, actually – but not on anybody’s behalf.

    Unless…are you saying that Bust is your site? Are you on Bust? Do you RUN Bust? Holy shit! Where my money, girl?


  24. Disco Stu says:

    Holy shit this guy is basically a comic book character. One written by Warren Ellis and Alan Moore.

  25. Robert says:


    Seriously.It makes me so happy that he just exists. There is hope for mankind, thanks to men like Joe Davis that continually push the boundaries of sanity every single god damn day. I wish they made Joe Davis sheets. He would easily supplant my current spider-man ones.

  26. Aquaman says:

    Really? Have been catching up on your, I can’t even describe it, comedy orgasm? site… found you a week or so ago, haven’t been working much lately… but I digress. “Slash Fiction about Paul Bunyon and Chuck Norris gangbanging Bill Nye the Science Guy”. THAT is one of the greatest things ever written. Talk about graphic! AND funny! I will never look at Bill Nye the same again. Really.

  27. Robert says:

    Thank you, Aquaman!

    I certainly feel awkward now about telling everybody that you smell like somebody opened up a Long John Silver’s inside a vagina. I’ll try to stop that!

  28. Im not a Panda says:

    …I. would. so. eat. there. but… is is a real vagina? or like, a giant building which only looks like one? …is that the question?

  29. Pingback: | Guy Ben-Ary: The Scientist Voted Most Likely To Build Robocop

  30. Loki says:

    YO! JOE! Hero’s Cry!
    Modern Day Vikings, they are;
    They’ll fuck your mother.

  31. Loki,

    Well done and all, but I’m not linking to a MySpace blog. No offense intended, but this isn’t for people’s “just for fun” blogs or whatever; it’s to give a little break to actual (ideally comedy) sites. It wouldn’t seem right to link to somebody’s myspace from my official site. Hope you understand.

  32. MegaSeveN says:

    Wait, you make an entire entry about how Chuck Norris is an ass, and then you use him as a comparison in a good way in orderto compliment someone else?

    Also, you said nothing of the quality of G.I. Joe haikus, nor that they had to be positive. So:
    G.I.Joe is gay.
    Just look at how gay it is.
    Seriously… Gay.

    For realsies this time, here’s one I put the illusion of effort into:
    Never watched that show
    Was more into Transformers
    “Robots in disguise!”

  33. TacoCat says:

    This will be the guy to strike either terror or… Terror… into the hearts of men everywhere. Eventually his galaxy-mice will become sentient and he’ll have a slightly-less-dangerous-than-Gremlins army on his hands. Run and hide, people. Run and hide.

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