Invisibility and Anti-Invisiblity Cloaks: Secret Titties and Dinosaurs?

Scientists have recently made some serious breakthroughs in the pursuit of a true invisibility cloak, with metamaterials that actually bend light waves around them, rather than just filming the surrounding terrain and projecting it onto the material, like previous ‘invisibility cloaks.’.

invisiblejacket

The main problems with the film/projector method were resolution, the fluctuations of the material itself, and the undisguised mass of the subject the cloak was hiding. In short, it didn’t really make you any kind of invisible; it just played little movies about what’s around you. That makes it shitty invisibility technology, but actually pretty sweet clothing technology – after all, who here doesn’t want boxers that play the elevator explosion scene from Die Hard?

But developers at UC Berkeley weren’t content to leave it at that, and have since made major progress in both theoretical and small-scale experiments with their new metamaterials. One such material is described as a ‘nanoscale fishnet’ of silver and magnesium fluoride, which has the benefit of being non-conductive as well as “totally hot and science slutty.”

science slutty

Presumably they’ve made all this progress because, like me, scientists rarely make it past the “Wouldn’t That Be Rad?” stage of reasoning. If they had, they’d realize that an invisibility cloak is among the worst ideas ever conceived. Sure, invisibility is awesome… to the same parts of your brain that still make you try The Force every once in a while (just in case) and had you putting spiders in the microwave trying to land a super-bite. We all want superpowers.

But that’s the thing – it’s not just you, we all want super powers. Every one of us would use that invisibility cloak in a heartbeat… but how many people would you want to actually have one?

Thought so.

That’s because the true appeal of invisibility is very primal, and very simple: You want complete freedom from consequences. You want to walk out of banks with bags of money, escape from jail cells, and punch dickheads on the street with no fear of reprisal. But most of all, you want some secret titties. Don’t pretend. Voyeurism is the main guilty appeal of invisibility, and everybody knows it.

secret what?

Now, you could say you see nothing wrong with that; that it’s all well and good to be able to catch some secret titties. And for most people that’s true… until they’re your secret titties, or your girlfriend’s, or your sister’s, or even your mother’s. Just like it’s all well and good to punch dickheads without fear of reprisal…until you realize that everybody’s a dickhead in somebody’s eyes, even you.

Especially you.

You could assume that the military would never allow this to fall in civilian hands – but the pattern of de-escalation in technology disagrees with you. The internet was for military use almost exclusively only a few decades ago, now you can probably access it from your cellphone. You have former military tech sitting in your pocket right at this moment waiting to give you LOLcats when you get bored in line at the sandwich shop; it’s not so far-fetched to say that thirty years from now you’ll have invisible pants.

invisible pants

Luckily somebody is working to combat it with a theoretical anti-cloak. But somebody else has already figured out how to use that anti-cloak to actually improve invisibility by allowing the user to see out.

It’s already turned around twice, and it’s still just a theory!

This call and response pattern can only grow: There will always be a better invisibility cloak and a better counter down the line – you negate the infrared, but then there’s a motion sensor, you beat that, but something else crops up to counter you again. At some point this will escalate so far that you’ll have to shift out of sync with time itself just to catch a little secret titty action, and if Science Fiction has taught us anything, it’s that time travel can only end badly – mostly with the appearance of robots or dinosaurs – and while secret titties are indeed sweet, you have to ask yourselves: Are they really worth fighting Velociraptors over?

secret dinosaurs

On an unrelated note: I defy you to find a blog that gets better spam than mine.What fucking demographic are you after with that? That’s…that’s not even a thing that you can actually fuck. Does this blog appeal to goblin fuckers? Are you guys all secretly googling Goblin Poon after you leave here? The last spam that made it through my filters was for Amish butter making kits, which was hilariously missing the mark on so many levels, but damn – this takes the cake. And fucks it. With a goblin.

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14 Responses to Invisibility and Anti-Invisiblity Cloaks: Secret Titties and Dinosaurs?

  1. Paul says:

    “What if they got a Trace Buster too?”

    “Yo, that’s why I got this Trace Buster Buster. When a motherfucker try to bust your trace with a Trace Buster, this motherfucker is gonna bust the motherfucking Trace Buster that’s bustin’ your trace.”

  2. Muledriver says:

    Hey, about those Amish butter making kits?

    Were those the “Lancaster County Olde Style Churns” or the “Yoder MK-IV Galacta-Creamers”?

    If they were the Lancasters then, yeah, they have no connection to a website about robots. On the other hand, the Yoder MK-IV is like the ED 209 only with churning paddles and chain-fed miniguns.

    It’ll butter your muffin. And, by ‘butter your muffin’ I mean, ‘make butter which you can spread on a muffin and maybe lead-fuck your squeakhole with 1,000 depleted uranium tipped rounds per second’.

  3. Mr. Bojangles says:

    Time travel also usually ends up metting your parents, your mom getting the hots for you, and causing you to slowly fade from existance.

    So you also have to ask yourself…

    Are these titties worth having my mom want to make out with me?

  4. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    Imagine if in the near future streams of come shoot out in random directions, from perverts hidden in invisibility cloaks. Finally something perhaps worse than the inevitable telepathic add campaigns and mind rape. Hooray
    Beware future citizens of the world, there are some that wish to machingun semen to secret Man Buthole among other things. Let us address this great new threat by hiding in bunkers and awaing the apocalypse.
    Just wanted to ruin everyones day after the pleasant thought of Secret Titties.

  5. Muledriver says:

    “Just wanted to ruin everyones day after the pleasant thought of Secret Titties.”

    Mission accomplished!

  6. Mr. Bojangles says:

    I am definitely afraid to go outside now.

    Thank you Fort for fortifying my fear of outdoor areas.

  7. Captain Weebo says:

    Amish butter making kits?

    The Amish aren’t even allowed to use the internet!
    That doesn’t even make sense… How the hell do they sell them?

  8. Muledriver says:

    Captain,

    Look, you don’t want to go poking your well-meaning nose into the business of the Amish Butter Cartels.

    It would be better for everyone involved if you just STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

  9. Robert says:

    Paul,

    Did you think you could get away with that?

    Did you think you could drop quotes from a Marky Mark movie and just fucking walk away from it? I call you out on your Big Hit quote, and raise you this: “I thought we were a platonic team, not some sick fucking sex dance! This is bullshit!”

    Mule,

    I have no idea what the butter churn thing was for. I was originally going to comment on it, but decided that it was too far gone a paradox for me to understand, and that I could only look stupid by attempting.

    Bojangles,

    Your mom’s secret titties – that was the subject of your response. I just thought I’d break it down for you.

    Your. Own. Mother’s. Secret. Titties.

    That’s what you talked about on the internet today.

    Fort,

    I forgot to address the phantom spunk issue. Thank you for adding horror to an already horrifying situation. You have, if you’ll forgive the analogy, just taken a shit on a raccoon corpse. Points if you get the reference.

    Negative points if you attempt to claim these hypothetical, nonsense points introduced to you via a blog comment.

    Weebo,

    One word: Osmosis. Think about it.

    Yeah.

  10. girlfriend says:

    It figures. Raccoon-shitter found that thing you wrote about his social commentary. And decided to stay. Sorry there’s no roadkill on the internet, dude, must make your shtick difficult around these parts.

  11. Brett says:

    I think the goblin porn is because this blog caters to nerds and a high amount of nerds play WoW and I’m pretty sure there are goblins in that. I only played for ten days and stopped when I looked in the mirror and resented the way I spent those last days, removed it from my computer and went back to watching hardcore porn of Disney channel cartoon characters. Life is good.

  12. cigjonser says:

    I of all people definitely got the reference. But alas, even if I were to claim the points for myself they would be instantly canceled out by anti-points, leaving me with a sum total of wasted effort and misery.

    I think you’ve just metaphorically translated the meaning of life!

    Damn you, Prophet of Futility!

  13. James says:

    Dude…

    I am SO getting one of these things…

    and heading over to Sarah Palin’s house.

    Am I right?

    Come on!

  14. deadlytoque says:

    Totally unrelated, but I think the following link would find the right crowd here:

    http://www.bigfatwhale.com/archives/bfw_374.htm

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