How to Bed Art Majors Using Only Your Knowledge of Video Games

If you’re in college, you are most likely surrounded by attractive members of the opposite sex right now. If you’re reading this website, you are most likely a nerd and they want nothing to do with you. See, college is the time for attractive people to major in easy non-subjects – predominantly in the arts – that make them sound deep and unapproachable. So, how do you bed this seemingly impossible lay, using only subjects familiar to you, the internet frequenter? Well, start with video games. That’s right! Video games can appeal to the art crowd as well…you just have to know how to frame it.

The Three R’s Test

itsa me, fataaaalista

See, there’s an easy system for determining the viability of art crowd conversation material, and it’s called the “Three R’s Test:” You have to ask yourself, when broaching a new subject, is it about Rape, Retards, or Regret?

If it involves all three, it’s definitely art. Nothing encompasses Rape, Retards and Regrets simultaneously that is not art scene gold. If it’s only about one of the three, check carefully: It could be comedy. Comedy is never art, and laughter is irrelevant. If it involves two out of three, you probably have a suitable subject on your hands. Check to see if it’s in a foreign language – that’s a good first sign, and cause for further investigation. Watch for other indicators: Are there naked men crying? Can you hear flutes? Has anybody spoken backwards? Are there midgets? Are they sad? Is there excessive nudity? Is it intensely unappealing? Any of these aspects may indicate a safe topic of conversation.

not just nude, that's art nude
That’s not just naked – that’s art naked.

If you stick within these guidelines, it’s perfectly acceptable – in some cases even preferable – to talk about video games at the trendiest of gallery openings. And now that you understand the process, all you need are a few examples to get you started. Lead off with these:



Bioshock is a solid first choice, although you should avoid mentioning its literary roots in Ayn Rand based Objectivism – that became too mainstream for the art crowd decades ago. Instead, focus on the Little Sisters and the morally ambiguous path you are forced to take. If this shifts you away from the Three R’s test too far for comfort, try to draw a direct comparison between the Big Brothers and mental retardation. Insist that there is a Frankenstein/Of Mice and Men dynamic, whereby the mentally impaired giant ‘monster’ is inextricably bonded to ‘the innocent.’ Eventually suggest that by being forced to kill the well-meaning, but dim-witted Big Brothers without a second thought, it is implied that our self-indulgent society and capitalist imperatives are “the real monsters.”

the real monster is you!
Bioshock: The story of noble, mentally challenged miners striving for respect…and the guy that murders them for fun (that’s you.)



Braid not only has the benefit of being new, but also quite controversial. I would leave out the fact that the controversy is about price – much less that the dispute is over five dollars – just mention the controversy and wave your hand at all further questions as though it is too much to delve into at the moment. Braid presents surrealistic landscapes, bizarre time mechanics and some seriously heavy-handed writing: In other words, it’s perfect for the pretentious art major. More importantly, it is entirely about regret – regret for past decisions, regret for missed opportunities, regret for love lost – and violent obsession. The rape segue is easy from here. A good approach angle is to compare and contrast Braid with its source material: Super Mario Bros. Argue that Braid is presenting Mario himself as a stalker/rapist character, hunting the ‘Princess Archetype’ relentlessly from castle to castle. If they’re not buying it, try pointing to his tendency to harm small animals as the standard warning sign of a sociopath.

can you?
Can you feel the ennui in this picture? If you can, you’re doing ennui wrong.



For art scene fodder, Ico is your best bet. Your character speaks mostly in yelps and grunts, (which is close enough to retarded,) and the themes of isolation and loneliness nicely evoke a sense of regret throughout. Plus, the only other dialogue is a fictional language of Icelandic basis – just like Sigur Ros! There are also signs of metaphorical rape present: The boy always leads the princess around by the hand, she is incapable of functioning without him, he commands her and dictates their path, and so on. It may be a little advanced to attempt this tack, but if you can pull it off, it’s like artfag Spanish Fly. This would be the prime opportunity to throw out your big guns – mention something about the “stifling patriarchy,” quickly simulate tears of frustration, and then excuse yourself outside to smoke – you’ll be ascot deep in Grad student poon before you can say “Dancer in the Dark.”

ico plus rape equals art
How much rape you see in this picture directly correlates to how useless your college degree is.

Feel free to experiment with your own examples, and remember: If at any point you’re called out on your bullshit, simply wave your hand dismissingly and scoff; the implication that somebody just doesn’t get it is like getting served in the art world.

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18 Responses to How to Bed Art Majors Using Only Your Knowledge of Video Games

  1. Robert says:

    The post was inspired by a comment from Lord Sphlane (and my response to it.)

    That one was for you, Jess! Because you bitched enough!

    Let that be a lesson to…always bitch about things, I guess?

  2. drinkplanner says:

    “ascot deep” f’ing killed me. Well done, sir.

  3. deadlytoque says:

    I could’ve used this post 8 years ago!

    Actually, my problem was not my inability to attract flaky women (having a political theory degree means you can turn any conversation into something about Marxism, which is ambrosia to hippie-chicks), it was the fact that once it’s all over, they are still flaky women, and you have to make sure you wake up before they do in the morning or they will have already carved their names into your arm, having drugged you with their prescription meds while you slept.

    And then they cry when you try to get some morning-after action before the painkillers wear off.

  4. Dustin says:

    If the end result is just to lay an art major, then I have my own three R system it goes thusly:

    Rum – Give her a glass
    Ruffies – Slip some in same glass when she isn’t looking
    Remove – Yourself from the crimescene.

    You could go one step further and make your carnal violation an art piece in itself by replacing the last R with Regret for not having considered this simple method sooner.

  5. tojo2000 says:

    Great. Now I’m going to have “Instant Club Hit” by the Dead Milkmen stuck in my head all day.

  6. Robert says:

    Know what you are?

  7. Arik says:

    Hey Dustin, way to take a funny article and make it creepy as shit.

  8. Muledriver says:

    Apparently rape is teh funnies.

  9. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    Hooray, rape.
    The mention of rape on this site has incured visions of men (and women) violating robots of the past present and future.
    Having these thoughts I felt like ruining everyones day with them.
    Imagine the expressions of rapture on the people.
    Imagine the metalic indifference of robots.
    Imagine grunting sweaty people.
    Beep, beep, boop say the robots (or they plead in cold machine voices.

  10. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    Robert, the article is awesome, I was forgetting how life sucked for a while and then…
    A picture of a naked man-cyborg. Why do you wish this image on your poor readers.
    Boobs Robert, not naked cyborg-men.

  11. Muledriver says:

    “The mention of rape on this site has incured visions of men (and women) violating robots of the past present and future.”

    You’re thinking of Rob’s sister site

  12. Robert says:


    This site is mostly about terror. Naked cyborg men are much more terrifying than boobs. If you disagree with that statement – even in the slightest – then sir, I promise you, you’re doing something wrong in interacting with those boobs.


    Wow. I really hope that was an attempted joke that just really, really got away from you. See, some ground rules of comedy: Anything can be funny, but sensitive issues have to be addressed in concept, not practice. We can joke about art students liking rape as subject matter, but not actually about raping women. We can joke about getting 9/11’ed, but not actually about victims of 9/11. We all cross that line dude, I’ve done it too. I was very, very drunk one time and a girl was talking about her mom – a Jehovah’s witness – had lung cancer and couldn’t really move anymore. I asked “well, how does she go door to door then? Those pamphlets wont hand themselves out!” Now, that’s funny…as a concept, but saying it to this girl’s face as she was practically crying about her mom was just monstrous. I didn’t mean any harm, I was just drunk and flying way past the line – so I’ll give that same benefit of the doubt to you and assume you meant nothing by it, and are probably the internet equivalent of embarrassed right now. I do not know the HTML tag for shame.

  13. Brett says:

    Is it a testament to the fact that I am dead inside and can be phased by nothing that I found the Jehovah’s Witness joke hilarious? Mainly because I hate those redemption shilling fuckers. IF I WANT TO BURN IN HELL LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ABOUT IT. Jeez, trying to save my eternal soul.

  14. Reese says:

    It’s Big Daddy, not Big Brother.

    *More You Know…

  15. Robert says:

    So that’s why it wasn’t getting me laid…

  16. Its good to find a source of information that can be useful, especially when looking for something to occupy me,thankyou for your help and being of assistance, there’s a good wealth of information here. When you have more i’ll be happy to view it.

  17. Baris says:

    Message: Against my better judgement, I actually used the Bioshock/ Frankenstein comparison and the implications of killing the retarded big daddies (Frankenstein’s monsters)on capitalist society at a really lame party a friend brought me to. I totally got laid!

    It’s unclear whether this was a result of my artistic awesome or just my manly musk, but either way, I feel I owe you thanks.

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