MEDUSA: Microwave Soundgun Inside Your Damn Face

The US Military is developing a new, non-lethal microwave gun in order to disperse crowds.

medusa1

Now, you’ve probably heard of that before, but this is a new take on the old news: It’s a microwave sound gun. They’ve dubbed it the MEDUSA, and it beams sounds straight into your head, bypassing the eardrums entirely. That’s wonderful! Assuming you can just turn the volume down a little below ‘weaponized,’ then targeted audio is an awesome development. Here’s a silver leotard and a Segway, friend; welcome to the future!

medusa2

Oh, but wait…what’s with the microwaves, then? That sounds a little worrisome.

Well, as it turns out, the company developing the MEDUSA had some different ideas about beaming sounds into your head. They didn’t want to use any of the conventional, reasonable theories conceived so far: They’re not using targeted audio frequencies, because you could just block the sound waves if they bothered you. It’s not really a superweapon if it can be thwarted by that classic grade school strategy: Plugging your ears and yelling “la la la, I can’t heeeaaar you!” They don’t want to use bone vibrations, because soldiers would actually have to plant the device on the intended victim and, at that point, it would probably be more cost effective to just punch them in the back of the head until they move along. So MEDUSA takes another route; it uses “short microwave pulses” that “rapidly heat tissue, causing a shockwave inside the skull that can be detected by the ears.”

Let’s put that in a different, more fear-mongering way: It transmits sound by nuking your face so hard that you can hear the explosions FROM THE INSIDE OUT.

medusa4

They plan to use the MEDUSA mostly for “non-violent crowd control,” which makes me think that perhaps the United States Military doesn’t speak English, because there’s little I would call non-violent about slowly blowing up people’s skulls with radiation. Apparently this isn’t much of an ethical problem for the armed forces, but at least one researcher in the developing field of microwave sound admits that he is “worried” about the fact that “you might see some neural damage” affecting the victims later. The same researcher is also “unsure” about lighting puppies on fire, and “a little shaky” on the subject of knife-rape. He is, however, “cautiously optimistic” on the subject of ethnic cleansing, and “feelin’ pretty good” about injecting hobos with the black plague.

medusa3

The inventors also state that though it is still too early in the fine-tuning process now, eventually they do expect to produce recognizable sounds by transmitting these pulses at different power levels and speeds. So someday you could actually understand microwave audio the same as regular audio, you’d just hear it more…viscerally. Also, considering that the operators of this equipment are likely to be US Soldiers – average age of 19 – expect in the near future to hear the words “cocksmoker” and “fagtard” so hard that your memories explode.

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27 Responses to MEDUSA: Microwave Soundgun Inside Your Damn Face

  1. Alpha Omega says:

    Whoa. I guess I’m gonna have to cancel tomorrow’s riot. Sorry, guys…

    Also, First

  2. Statutory Ape says:

    “‘a little shaky’ on the subject of knife-rape”

    That has got to be one of the most brilliant things I’ve read in quite some time 😄

    I love you in a totally semi-homo way

  3. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    Bla… I read in the New Scientist that the planned microwave beaming was not practical, because the microwave radiation neccesary would kill a person dead. It is not specified if their heads would explode after a short length of exposure so we must expect them to. Theoretically (my opinion) you may hear a voice in your head, but then I’m afraid that your head would exlplode or turn into a pillar of fire.

  4. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    This devolepment is of course still exceptable for crowd dispersal

  5. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    That is to say they would be dispersed by atomization i.e. exploding and then evaporating.

  6. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    Wow I’m talking to myself.

  7. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    Damn it, the you-tube video of a constipated dog will not load properly.

  8. deadlytoque says:

    Hmm… if they can make the beam specific enough to create words, then the next step would be fine-tuning it so that those words are in a person’s own voice… and then, voila! mind-control ray! Granted, you’re only going to be able to control people who think they are schizophrenic, but that’s just a start. The next phase would of course be the “Voice of God” ray, and then you get your very own army of religious fanatics!

    Why, oh why must the military make it so easy for potential supervillains?

  9. Muledriver says:

    You think inane jingles get stuck in your head now? Wait ’till the advertisers get a hold of this.

    “Just do it, huh? Ok, Nike, I’m gonna just do it. I’m gonna just drill a hole in my skull to let your ad campaign out. Thanks a lot.”

  10. Brett says:

    …This article needs more venn diagrams.

  11. Robert says:

    Statutory Ape,

    Your semi-homo love and the terrifying implications made by your handle will give me nightmares that I will pass on to my children, somehow.

  12. Robert says:

    Ian,

    What..what just happened to your mind? Is it okay?

    Slightly more importantly, what’s the deal with Scenic Anemia? When is it coming back up? Word Press info is just not satisfying my humor needs.

  13. Robert says:

    Mule,

    The ‘targeted audio,’ I mentioned (hmm, where did I leave the targeted audio ad technology…ah! Right beneath the WoW forums,) is being developed for exactly the shit you mentioned.

    I personally find it a horrifying thing to contemplate: At any point your serious, deep inner monologue about your crumbling marriage could be interrupted by advertising voice-over guy yelling BUY SOME DORITOS! THEY’RE ATOMIC CHEESE IN TRIANGLE FORM!

  14. Robert says:

    Toque,

    I say we fuckin’ steal the thing and use it to take over the AVE. At which point our schizophrenic army could mount their Dukes of Hazzard Rovers and strike out at the surrounding territories. If they’re so insistent on making supervillains, I for one do not plan on being on the business end of a skull microwave.

  15. Muledriver says:

    Rob,

    Thank you for sharing your internet with us!

    Now, thanks to that article, I’m going to go to bed and have nightmares. The questions I want running through my head include: Why are we here? Would there be good without evil?

    Do NOT include: Hmmm, what would I do for a Klondike bar?

    Jesus.

  16. Sir Fortesque the pimp says:

    Uhh, is it my imagination or am I being refered to as “Ian” Robert. I am not called Ian, I have an Eastern European name, because I’m from…
    Eastern Europe.
    I am confused as to whether I have been rechristened at random because you felt I needed a more realistic name than Sir Fortesque the pimp or if you know someone who uses that psuedonim. I don’t know which is more disturbing, being rechristened for the sake of a blog or the fact that someone else maybe using that pseudonim, revealing some unknown quirk in the human mind that links knighthood, zombie playstation 1 heroes and pimping. If such a quirk exists it must be explored.
    P.S. Just thought you should know.
    Another P.S. I still think the articles are awesome even if I’m eastern European.

  17. Robert says:

    Shit, are you not Fortey? I thought you were Fortey. What the hell is a fortesque if not a slightly queer pseudonym for Ian Fortey?

  18. deadlytoque says:

    Robert: I’m in. I’ll put a call into the Canadian Henchmen’s Union and see what the going rate is on, say, 2 dozen goons for international work. We’ll have to figure out where they are keeping MEDUSA.

    The guy who’s building the AVE is in Ontario, across the country from me, but he’s fairly near my girlfriend’s parents, and we’re going to visit them at xmastime anyway, so after we scoop the MEDUSA, we can lie low for a few months, then meet up in Toronto in early December or thereabouts, make the plan, heist the AVE prototype, spout a bunch of sinister holiday-related one-liners, etc.

    I have one proviso: I don’t do tights as part of my supervillain costume.

  19. Robert says:

    Toque,

    Agreed. No tights. It’s man-panties or bust for us.

  20. deadlytoque says:

    Man-panties with skulls and flames and the like on them. And then labcoats. Unbuttoned, obviously.

  21. cigjonser says:

    Oh no! OH THE FUCK NO!!! What happened to the dead animal that got a dump taken on it article?! That was the funniest combination of letters ever punched into a keyboard, AND NOW IT’S GONE! I swear I laughed so hard I shat myself, and then used the feces to write “HA HA HA HA!” repeatedly all over my walls while sprouting laughter-induced hernias. And, since I’ve been eating nothing but beef jerky and cheese for the past month I needed a sure-fire constipation fix, and you, in an obvious attempt to kill off millions through intestinal ruptures, have removed it. Oh I’ll find you. And I’ll bring prunes.

  22. Robert says:

    What? It’s right here, where it’s always been. I haven’t deleted anything.

    You are poor at internet, and I fear you may need lessons.

    Like old people get.

    From special CDS.

    Sold through infomercials.

    Yeah.

  23. Statutory Ape says:

    Rob,

    It makes me happy inside my loins that I can bring nightmares to you and your children, I can rest at ease now.

    And my semi-homo love for you shall rage on for at least another fortnight

  24. Robert says:

    Ape,

    Can you hear my discomfort? I cannot turn it up any louder. It is at peak volume.

  25. cigjonser says:

    Oh. Hm.

    Well, you may have won this round, but I’m going to practice internet day and night, and keep practicing until I, cigjonser, pwn the worldwide internet HIGH SCORE!

    And then I’ll become famous for it, and women will walk up to me off the street and give me tongue baths. While I surf the internet. Getting an EVEN HIGHER score.

    Ha! I’ll bet you’re sorry now! Sorry is what I’ll bet you are!

  26. Statutory Ape says:

    Rob,

    Oh indeed I do hear it, and it please me…. yes, it pleases me greatly in fact.

    A little louder would be nice though.

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