Science at the Improv

Here are several things that I thought were pretty interesting, but not really “paragraph” interesting. As such, I have adopted a Night at the Improv Zinger approach. I would say I hope you enjoy it, but honestly, I kind of hope you hate it so much that you punch your desk in impotent frustration.

It would just show good taste on your part.

Collapsible Machine Gun

“Machine Gun That Fits in Your Pocket”

pocket gun

Is that a machine gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see m-HOLY FUCK THAT IS A MACHINE GUN IT IS ACTUALLY A MACHINE GUN NOW IS FOR RUNNING.

Turtle Ship

“A turtle shaped airship is perhaps the last thing you might expect to see floating through the sky, but this eco-friendly craft might just be key to the next generation of humanitarian relief.”

turtle ship

To summarize: Environmentalists forgot what turtles look like.

Theorized Climate Wars

“Changing weather patterns could contribute to political instability around the world, the collapse of governments and the creation of terrorist safe havens.”

Summer fun

“Man, it is a scorcher today. I’m gonna pick up the kids and head down to the pool, you wanna come?”

“Nah, I’m just gonna kill some colored folk. Thanks, though.”

And then both have ice cream.

Amish Cell Phones

“The Amish are famous for shunning technology. But their secret love affair with the cell phone is causing an uproar.”

amish cell phone


Fuck you, above sentence.

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25 Responses to Science at the Improv

  1. Muledriver says:

    Does anyone else here get a boner when they think about the Amish?

    God. I just got one from typing the word ‘Amish’. At about the “i”.

    I wish I didn’t though. It’s kind of annoying.

  2. Brandon says:

    Awesome. Love the one-liner format.

  3. Thomas says:

    The first has got to be my favorite. But once I realize my dream of becoming NEO that shit can’t stop me. The Amish however…. fuck I have no defense against people that never went in the Matrix.
    Bladz01 uses critcal 720 kick attack
    Bladz01 misses Amish
    Amish uses religion
    Bladz01 takes critical hit from Pitchfork
    Bladz01 loses 90 health
    Amish reads the bible
    Bladz01 commits suicide because of thinking about religion

  4. Anonymous says:

    I wish I had an ice cream.

  5. Lord Shplane says:

    I am Amish, and I find this article highly offensive.

  6. Blake says:

    I am offensive, and I find this article highly Amish…


    I don’t know.

  7. Muledriver says:


    I heard the Amish have their own Matrix made of wood.

    And quilts.

  8. Seresecros says:

    I don’t think the Amish have their own Matrix, because I don’t think the Amish believe at all in the concept of the letter ‘x’. It just seems like a bit of a futuristic and modern home comfort most people take for granted, so thus must be shunned by anyone who believes whatever the hell it is that the Amish believe in.

  9. Mr. Bojangles says:

    The Amish don’t believe in the word matrix.

    It just sounds technological.

    And that, my friends, is the devil’s work.

  10. Robert says:

    Wow. Three people made the “Amish don’t believe in the Matrix” joke. There are only nine comments so far! That’s 30%. 30% of my readers are racist against the Amish.

    Yes, the Amish are a race.

    We should totally take this opportunity to tell racist Amish jokes.I’ll start.

    Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Fuck ’em! Let them churn butter in the dark.

    I highly recommend you take advantage of this. When else are you going to get the chance to be caustically racist with a 100% guarantee of not getting caught? By their very nature, the Amish can never know of this. It’s like if the Chinese were physically incapable of hearing the words “me” and “rikey.”

  11. Arkalem says:

    Q: What is the AMish guy’s favorite TV Show?

    A: American Idol I think. He watches Heroes alot too, but all he does is talk about Hayden Pantierre’s ass.

    Actually, I’m pretty sure he isn’t even supposed to be watching it at all.

  12. Ken says:

    I’m not racist against the Amish. But a friend and I did do this:

  13. Chalks says:

    Do you know why the Amish can’t go more than a mile from their homes?
    because “Amish is as good as a mile”


  14. Brett says:

    …Who do the Amish call? They can’t have many friends outside shouting distance…

  15. Robert says:

    They don’t call anybody. They mostly just use the texting and internet features to browse Amish social bookmarking sites.

    Like Beardbook, and

    I fucking hate myself.

  16. Lord Shplane says:

    And AmishChan.

    “GTFO newfag”
    “NO THEE”
    “I came in my home made trousers”
    etc. etc.

  17. Paul says:

    If this ever makes it into your book, I suggest you employ the word “testudinate,” which means “turtlelike,” yet if I were playing Balderdash I would define as “imbuing a person or object with sufficient amounts of testicular fortitude as to render them 100% badass.”

  18. Robert says:

    Shh on the book!


  19. Brett says:


  20. sos says:

    i like how your comments consist mostly of what seems like people (grown men) trying to impress you with their wit. you must be flattered.

  21. Robert says:

    Well, one could argue that my blog is little more than me (a grown man) trying to impress strangers with my wit in the first place. So it seems somewhat appropriate, actually.

    Also, be careful on that high horse, man! Have you learned nothing from Christopher Reeve?

  22. Travis says:

    your self hate is warranted.

  23. deadlytoque says:

    Man, the comments on this blog have gotten all spastic and mainstream. You used to be about the music, dude. Erm… the blogging. You used to be all about the blogging.

  24. Seresecros says:

    Christopher Reeve is not dead, he is merely in a regeneration matrix in the Fortress of Solitude. Time will prove me right on this matter.

  25. Muledriver says:

    There’s this thing where, when Gene Hackman dies, they’re going to put Christopher Reeves’ brain into the body. And reanimate it. Or something. Like…they have Christopher Reeves’ brain in a tube and it’s still alive. Gene Hackman left his body to science.

    Look, I’m not 100% sure. I was eating Rice Krispies when the dude was telling me all this so I might have some of the details wrong.

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