Lend a Helping…Gun?

I’m assuming you’ve seen this by now.

take it all, honey

If you haven’t, this is a stem-cell skin gun. It’s being developed by the united states Military, along with a quarter billion dollars’ worth of other medical research, which include projects like an organ and tissue printer and healing “pixie dust.” I guess fixing up shrapnel wounds with the power of imagination didn’t quite pan out for them. Anyway, the Skin-gun shoots immature skin cells onto fresh wounds, which in turn dramatically increases the healing process. And it’s about god damn time: For years, healing guns with nigh-on magical powers have been a key part of a wonderful dream. That dream? Shooting people in the face…in order to help them.

War has always been cooler than peace; guns beat medicine, breaking wins over fixing, and burning is always a better time than planting flowers. Philosophers will tell you that this is because it is easier to destroy than to create. And it is human nature to take the path of least resistance.

I call bullshit.

Destruction is a more tempting option because the results are more immediate, more visible, and more profound. You fire a rocket; a building goes away. You light a match; no more forest. You throw a punch; suddenly that snide kid at Blockbuster stops knowing more about Lord of the Rings than you. Violence is a viable solution to many, many problems. Perhaps not the best solution for others like, say, the victims of your violence, but it is quite often the best solution for you.

But that’s all over now because finally, with the skin gun, charity has become just as sexy as war. Now when a kid comes in bitching about half his face being burned off, you don’t have to spend forty hours in surgery to shut him up – you just shoot him in the face with your healing gun. Hopefully said gun has at least enough force to comically knock him over, as that is always an entertaining bonus. Benevolence and compassion suddenly sound like a blast, and all you had to do was forge them into ammunition. Everybody’s going to become a good samaritan – when that means scaling a clock-tower to fix passer-by’s acne with your high powered sniper rifle. And you’ll find a sudden overflow for Doctors Without Borders when your duties consist of carpet-bombing the holy shit out of third-world villages with your Healin’ Bombs.

you're welcome, bitches

Also, it appears as though the immature skin cells physically manifest themselves as an ejaculate of sticky white goo. So don’t be surprised, Med Schools, when the admission lines start to wrap around the block. There’s a pretty big demographic out there eager to forcefully shoot people in the face with their Miracle Bullet Jizz.

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6 Responses to Lend a Helping…Gun?

  1. Brett says:

    Yeah but now this means that soldiers will be running around yelling “MEDIC! MEDIC! MEDIC!” on the field of battle and giving away their positions…. damn ten year olds.

  2. Thomas says:

    effin Hilarious. Still I’d rather light some shit on fire. Then maybe I could get my rocks off again by jizzing on all the animals that I burned up. I like that whole thing.

  3. Combined with a little penis surgery, this invention could finally allow me to live out my dream. Women with facial injuries, here I come!

    LITERALLY!

  4. Paul says:

    Miracle healing jizz? I saw a movie premised on that concept once. Well, short film, to be more precise…

  5. Robert says:

    Tim,

    I think you’ve set a record, here. I think you’ve officially made the darkest, most disturbing pun in existence.

  6. Robert says:

    Paul,

    By “saw,” do you mean “starred in?”

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