Wolverine: The Frog?

Nature is a nerd.

From Marine Biology to Astronomy, the natural world has always been somewhat of a spaz. As if to further illustrate this point, science has recently discovered that mother nature is totally into comic books, too. This is Trichobatrachus robustus.

what the fuck, frog?

T. Robustus is a Cameroonian (?) Tree Frog that has evolved a unique defense mechanism: It has decided that the best way to deter potential predators is to become Wolverine, from The X-Men.

walden is so hardcore

Nobody fucks with Wolverine, so this was actually a pretty good move by evolution.

The legs of the frog contain an odd structuring of bones: Straight shafts attached by collagen to a curved, barbed point. These bones are located just under the skin of the frog’s hind leg and, when threatened, expand outwards through the feet – much like a cat’s claws. The chief difference here is that there is no conventional claw mechanism present. The frog extends the claws by contracting its muscles so hard that the barbed point snaps off from the shaft and is shoved outward through its skin. Biologists describe this unique mechanism as “unheard of in the natural world,” as well as “holy shit hard fucking core.”

if it doesn't make a snikt sound, i will simply cry

Since there is no specific set of muscles to expand and retract the claws, scientists are at a loss to explain where the claw goes when the frog is no longer threatened. One expert states that because the frog is an amphibian, “it would not be surprising if some parts of the wound heal and the tissue is regenerated.” Still not convinced this is Wolverine? In mating season, the frogs also grow two long, tapered tufts of a hair-like substance from either side of their body.

bubweiser LAME JOKE

Efforts are underway to establish a fondness for cigars in the frogs, or at least, they are now.

Because I’m going to get one.

And I’m going to get tiny cigars, and I’m going to teach it only to croak in short, guttural bursts that resemble the word “bub.” The frog will rest alertly on my shoulder at all times, and it will claw the holy shit out of anybody eyeballing my personal space. Though the claws are small, the frog’s thrusting strength is relatively weak, and no poison is present, I fully expect any and all attackers to die immediately. There is no known scientific basis for this assumed fatality, but one researcher* conjectures that the human mind will simply hemorrhage and die “from the traumatic shockwaves of awesome.”

*I did some research once. That means I am technically a researcher.

Afterword: An alternate theory holds that the frog is more analogous to Marrow than Wolverine, but further investigation has revealed that everybody that believes this can eat a dick.

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18 Responses to Wolverine: The Frog?

  1. Jess says:

    If you can somehow mock up a frog singlet for it to wear and teach it to fly into a berserker rage, then you, my friend, will have a video before which all of YouTube will bow.

    I think an adamantium skeleton is in order. I dissected a frog once in Biology, so I think I’m qualified to conduct the operation. I think you can just solder that stuff on.

  2. Frankie says:

    HOLY SHIT BALLS!

  3. Does… does that mean there might also be a frog version of Rogue out there? That you can take pictures of, and send to me?

    No reason why. I’m just… uh… biologically curious.

  4. deadlytoque says:

    And isn’t Cameroon where Wolverine hung out in his identity as Patch? Or at least that general area of the world?

    Is it possible that in some kind of knock-down, drag-out fight, Wolverine’s DNA fell into a frog pond and mutated some frogs into tiny little clones of himself?

    Also, I like that they named this frog “Robustus”. Like they already knew it was hardcore. Robustus, as I recall from Elementary Latin, actually translates to “kickass”.

  5. Travis says:

    i believe there was a story where wolverine lost his adamantium and it was revealed that his claws were actually made of bone…just to combat that whole whackjob marrow theory

  6. Muledriver says:

    I heard that, in 1997, the same group of scientists discovered a gerbil who controls the powers of magnetism.

  7. Robert says:

    Actually, Mule, that was also a frog, and here is the video evidence.

    What the fuck is up with all these frogs and superpowers? I think they’re evolving to be the dominant race. X-Men had the right idea, wrong species, apparently.

  8. Robert says:

    Travis and Deadlytoque, I sincerely appreciate your willingness to nerd right the fuck out on my comments section.

    Thank you.

    May your dignity return forthright, and with much vigor.

  9. Robert says:

    Tim,

    You fuck frogs. Embrace the real you.

    Love and punches,
    Robert

  10. Robert says:

    Jess,

    I know it’s fucked up, but I swear to god I will cut open a frog and ruin a soldering iron with you. It’s just…what if it works, though!? We have to take that chance. Just like microwaving a spider and letting it bite you.

    IT MUST BE DONE.

    Science, as far as I understand it, was built on retarded assumptions and ballsy acts of violence.

    Let’s do this bitch.

  11. Brett says:

    Yeah Robert, Wolverine actually has bone claws, after he got all of the Adamantium stripped from his body it was revealed he had bone claws. So you’re right… not about the attack frog thing… that’s just silly… he’d need a tiny frog helmet.

  12. Robert says:

    Alright, so…let me just set the record straight here:

    I know Wolverine has bone claws. I know his name is James Howlett and he was born in the 1840s. I owned the foil embossed super issue where his Adamantium was ripped out by Magneto, and Colossus betrayed the X-men to join Magneto on Asteroid X after Ilyana died. That shit’s off the top of my head. No wikipedia or anything.

    I know this, man. I’m a fuck-all nerd.

    Did…did anybody here not realize that? Who are you people, where have you been all this time?

    Also, Brett. Fuck if we didn’t just own Dustbowl like it was a misbehaving wife in Alabama.

    Seriously, such a nerd.

  13. Muledriver says:

    I’m not even going to ask where you found that video.

    But, seriously, where did you find that video?

  14. Brett says:

    I think our owning was much more similar to how Deadpool owned Shadow Kat. Like a swift Shoryuken to the face indeed.

  15. Ken says:

    I think the problem is that people don’t know enough about Marrow to make the connection. See, even granted that Wolverine’s claws are made of bone, Marrow is still a better choice of comparison. Her power not only allowed her to grow sharp bone shards, but allowed her to break them off (for use as weapons) much like the way the scientists theorize that the frogs break off their bone claws when they’re done. Wolverine does not consistently break off his bone claws.

    But Robert also points out that making that comparison is stupid because who gives a fuck about Marrow.

  16. Robert says:

    That’s basically how I felt about it, Ken.

    Yes, the comparison to Marrow is more valid. But fuck Marrow. Who would read a post and give a flying fuck at the moon, if I had started it off with a picture of Marrow?

    Also, the frog grows sideburns and a crazy pointy haircut. That cannot be discounted.

  17. Jubei says:

    Actually,

    First of all, Robert, Wolverine having bone claws was first revealed in 1991, in the Marvel Presents: Weapon X story line, from issues 72 – 84, i think, not in the later issues including X-MEN #25 that you’re thinking of, that’s just the adamantium being ripped out by Magneto

    and THAT is just off the top of my head

    ALSO
    Marrow, is able to grow bone from any part of her body, and lacks control of it
    hence why she was a Morlock
    the X-MEN took her in, and taught her how to control it enough, to keep her random bone growths down, and grow what she wanted when she wanted

    and, finally
    I don’t believe that any of you should bring harm to the frog
    especially in an attempt to solder metal to it’s skeleton
    i like the original idea of it just chillin’, much like Feral Wolverine (who was cooler anyhow).
    If not for the frog’s safety, then at least do it for your own, because Wolverine fucked those people up.

  18. Robert says:

    Jubei,

    Two words: Reading Comprehension.

    I specifically said that I ‘own the issue’ where his claws where ripped out, and at no point implied that was where the bone claws were first revealed.

    How would you transcribe that stereotypical nerd noise signifying supremacy?

    However you do it, consider it done now.

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