English Scientists: All Set to Penetrate the Moon…Hard.

Listen, I’ll just get right to the point:

British scientists are building missiles to fire at the moon.

penetrator OG

They’ve named the missile “The Penetrator,” because it penetrates, most likely. Missiles are already inherently phallic, and naming your super-missile after a giant dildo makes some pretty clear implications. It implies that this is little more than a giant metal extension of your cock, and that you are going to spend millions of dollars to send a craft into outer space so that you might fuck the moon with it.

penetrator for reelz

I would just like to formally apologize to England at this point. I too have been guilty of taking the lazy path to mocking the English. There are many jokes that are easy to make, and when you don’t feel like really delving into a subject and doing your research just to make somebody feel bad about themselves, you tend to fall back on the old standards: The French surrender. The Germans shit on each other. The English are pussies.

Obviously, there is little truth to these accusations. They’re simple, familiar stereotypes to keep in your deck until you find yourself outsmarted by an English guy and need to fumble out some clumsy retort. I’ve met two French guys, and neither of them surrendered anything to me. I’ve met a few English dudes, and they didn’t fop about the room, wriggling their wrists in the air and screeching for tea and biscuits. I’ve met a few Germans in my time…and they absolutely did shit all over each other and film it. Some stereotypes are there for a reason, friends.

gutentag, shit receptacle

What I’m really getting at here, Great Britain, is that you don’t actually have anything to prove to the world. We get it. You’re men. You gave us James Bond and soccer hooligans; Bear Grylls and blood sausage. We know you’re Fuckin’ A Tough. Please don’t blow up our moon. Or at least, don’t blow up our moon for the wrong reasons. If firing missiles from your orbital spacecraft into the moon is like, your country’s version of buying a Harley after you couldn’t get it up for your wife last Friday, then this is simply unnecessary. If you’re going to do it, do it for the right reasons.

Do it because it’s fucking awesome.

Do it because if science is worth doing, it’s worth doing as hard as fucking possible.

Do it because if you have to spend years collecting data on soil samples, at least you can make collecting those samples look like a Motorhead video fucked a copy of X-men on top of a Bengal Tiger.

And when you fire that missile, England, just promise me one thing: As you press that button, take off your space helmet dramatically and whisper something like “just close your eyes, darling, and think of England.”

If you waste the opportunity for a one-liner like that, you’ll never live it down: Spain will pick on you during lunch, Mexico will put notes on your back as you head up to the blackboard, and there’s just no way Canada will ever go to prom with you, much less give you a handjob on the swingset afterwards.

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21 Responses to English Scientists: All Set to Penetrate the Moon…Hard.

  1. Frankie says:

    “If you waste the opportunity for a one-liner like that, you’ll never live it down: …”

    Austria will lock you in the basement, put you in the jute bag and hit you with a bamboo-stick.

    Austria rocks! Hard.

  2. James says:

    They’ll never have the balls to fuck the moon in the dark side.

  3. deadlytoque says:

    You could fuck the moon in the dark side, but nobody would believe you if you told them.

    Alternate one liners:

    1) “We sleep safe in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence on the goddamn moon with a giant metal penis.” (paraphrasing George Orwell)

    2) “Our pulsing steel love comes unseen; we only see it go up to fuck the moon” (paraphrasing Austin Dobson)

    3) “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. I mean, you are fucking the moon with a space cock.” (Paraphrasing A.A. Milne, something Christopher Robin said to Pooh)

    4) “The late Dr. Arthur C. Clarke said this world was Ocean, rather than Earth, but it’s Earth that has all the missile-wangs.”

    and my favorite:

    5) “The [passionate and occasionally violent] love of heaven makes one heavenly.” – Wm. Shakespeare.

  4. deadlytoque says:

    Oh, also; Robert: this is one of your best articles ever. Hopefully Cracked doesn’t steal this one, too. Unless they pay you well. In which case, hopefully Cracked buys this one from you, too.

  5. Travis says:

    “Do it because if science is worth doing, it’s worth doing as hard as fucking possible.”

    Fucking Awesome.

  6. Jordan says:

    Amen.

  7. Chad says:

    priceless.

  8. Robert says:

    Man, I knew somebody was going to make the dark side of the moon joke, but two in a row?

    You guys are awesome.

    Oh, and deadlytoque, did you…actually do research just to comment on this blog? Did I accidentally give you homework?

    Shit, dude, sorry.

  9. Robert says:

    Oh, and good god damn I might have news. I might have news so hard, you guys.

    I MIGHT HAVE SOME NEWS.

    Nobody reads the comments this late in the game, so it is perfectly safe for me to say that now.

  10. Chalks says:

    >>Nobody reads the comments this late in the game

    HA.

  11. deadlytoque says:

    I did a TONNE of research. Which is to say I typed “english quotes” into Google, and picked a handful of good ones. Took me all of 2 minutes. Don’t work yourself up over it. Besides, I did it from work, so it was on THE MAN’S time anyway.

    Oh, shit. Wait. I’m self-employed…

  12. Robert says:

    Was that a roundabout way of saying “you da man?”

  13. Robert says:

    CHALKS!

    GOD-

    …GODDAMMIT, DUDE.

  14. Phin says:

    Holy shit, new layout!

    PS: What’s this talk of reading the comments late?

  15. Muledriver says:

    I’m not sure but I think that’s a picture of Robert in the title banner.

    Nice fire head, guy.

  16. Robert says:

    Yep. New Layout, designed by my loving, awesome, and talented girlfriend Meagan, and I’ll be starting the new theme officially as of the next update.

    Oh, and Mule, that is me up there, I was a little loathe to put an image of myself up on my own site; that’s like wearing the T-shirt of your own band, but two things convinced me it was okay:

    1.) Meagan did too good a job designing it to say no just because of my own modesty,

    AND

    2.) I am the most awesome thing ever to exist in the history of anything. Clearly.

    And for anybody reading the comments still, you get a little teaser for an upcoming announcement:

    What do Barack Obama and Robert Brockway have in common?

    (Hint: It’s not a rubber fetish, I think Barack is mostly into feet, these days.)

  17. Muledriver says:

    Well, Meagan did a great job.

    Also, kudos to her for being brave enough to date a guy with fire coming out of his head.

  18. Meagan says:

    It’s taken me four years to get used to it. My pajamas are flame retardant.

  19. Robert says:

    As a side note, that picture was taken in the massive wasteland of an elevator in the public art museum of Yale. Apparently, I just lost my shit on that elevator.

    Also: I’ve got my italics back! I’ve got my Italics back!

  20. Seresecros says:

    Firstly: congratulations are due on your retrieval of italics.

    Secondly: when we blow up the Moon, you Yanks’d better not claim credit for it like you did with WWII. I’m just sayin’.

    Thirdly: I have never been prouder to be a Brit than I am right now. WOO! UK! UK! UK!

  21. Pingback: ifightrobots.com » Blog Archive » A Post Wherein I Kick Your Ass At Life.

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