Art History sucks.
I’m not just talking about the classes devoted to its study, or the books regarding its impact, I’m talking about the whole history of art: It sucks.
Do you know why? Because of this:
Do you see what that is? That is an ancient Roman statue of a naked man punching a horse in the face. This statue single-handedly ruins ancient art for everybody. To put it more succinctly: It kicks the ass of history.
Tell me of the pure, innocent beauty of Michaelangelo’s David; then look at the horse-puncher and realize that David is just Kirk Cameron with his cock out.
Tell me of the enigmatic smile of the Mona Lisa; then look at that bare-knuckle battle of man and horse, and realize that if Da Vinci had any real skills, the Mona Lisa would’ve had her tits out.
Tell me of the noble stature of the Sphinx; then look at that furious bastard up there, and realize that if the Egyptians knew their shit, the Sphinx would’ve had the body of a man, the head of a lion, a giant machine-gun and a rage orgasm.
Legend has it that this statue was the inspiration for Bruce Willis. Regional folklore states that if you turn your back on the statue, you’ll die in a Trans Am accident within the year. Locals say that if you climb the statue at sunset, you’ll grow an extra dick. Science has actually proven that this statue is the true source of earth’s gravitational field, and the planet actually revolves around its giant, unstoppable balls.
Art is subjective, I know, and we’ll all have different opinions about what constitutes meaningful artwork. And if you disagree with me, that’s fine, I’ll just buy you a horse and then punch it in the face until it is dead.