You thought 300 was badass?

Art History sucks.

I’m not just talking about the classes devoted to its study, or the books regarding its impact, I’m talking about the whole history of art: It sucks.

Do you know why? Because of this:

a horse and his puncher

Do you see what that is? That is an ancient Roman statue of a naked man punching a horse in the face. This statue single-handedly ruins ancient art for everybody. To put it more succinctly: It kicks the ass of history.

Tell me of the pure, innocent beauty of Michaelangelo’s David; then look at the horse-puncher and realize that David is just Kirk Cameron with his cock out.

kirk and his cock

Tell me of the enigmatic smile of the Mona Lisa; then look at that bare-knuckle battle of man and horse, and realize that if Da Vinci had any real skills, the Mona Lisa would’ve had her tits out.

mona lisa and her tits

Tell me of the noble stature of the Sphinx; then look at that furious bastard up there, and realize that if the Egyptians knew their shit, the Sphinx would’ve had the body of a man, the head of a lion, a giant machine-gun and a rage orgasm.

the sphinx and his gun

Legend has it that this statue was the inspiration for Bruce Willis. Regional folklore states that if you turn your back on the statue, you’ll die in a Trans Am accident within the year. Locals say that if you climb the statue at sunset, you’ll grow an extra dick. Science has actually proven that this statue is the true source of earth’s gravitational field, and the planet actually revolves around its giant, unstoppable balls.

Art is subjective, I know, and we’ll all have different opinions about what constitutes meaningful artwork. And if you disagree with me, that’s fine, I’ll just buy you a horse and then punch it in the face until it is dead.

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6 Responses to You thought 300 was badass?

  1. Kaitlyn says:

    I saw the Mona Lisa up close once, and I sort of feel bad saying that it was a major disappointment. But that picture of Kirk Cameron is DREAMY. Much more my speed. Who among you is man enough to bring back the white dress jacket?

  2. Muledriver says:

    I’d put mine on but it has blood on it.

    Ha! No worries, though. It’s MY blood. From being punched in the face.

    For wearing a white dress jacket.

  3. Robert says:

    Listen:

    We’re not bringing back the white jacket.

    BUT….

    If you’re really nice, me and mule will bring back the cock-out look.

    Just for you.

    And the subway.

    And probably some playgrounds.

    But mostly for you.

  4. Kaitlyn says:

    Bitch, please, the subway hobo is the originator of the cockout look. It’s the dress code down there. You’d attract more attention if you kept it in your pants.

    Playgrounds might be a different story but I’m going to leave that up to you to work out.

  5. Marcus says:

    yo, he`s right `ya fucking asshole. you would get WAY more attention then your ass thinks with your cock out bitch.

  6. Dougfromdougland says:

    Don’t forget all those multitudes of statues and so forth made by despots from Khufu (the Great Fucking Pyramid) to Alexander the Great (naming a fucking city after his fucking horse, Bucephalus) which exemplify their fuck-punching prowess long after their petty empires have crumbled. Hell, every other Italian/mercenary general in the Renaissance was violating a horse in some way, as far as the contemporary artists cared to elaborate.

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