Christian Media: Finally Judged By Their Own Standards.

Some Christians, predictably, are up in arms again about the audacity of mass media. The release of Grand Theft Auto IV seems to be provoking this most recent stir, but honestly, its always there: There were articles about some Christians having issues with Battlestar Galactica for its portrayal of biblical themes, and pieces condemning Harry Potter for witchcraft long before the game released. These arguments exist mostly because they’re easy to do: Anybody can target a movie, book, or videogame and extrapolate only its worst points in order to condemn whole swaths of a culture. It’s a fallacious argument; they’re rephrasing the nature of the things they condemn in order to make them seem weaker. Now, I don’t think this way about all of Christianity, I’m just referring to the front that’s cherry-picking themes from our entertainment and using them to damn everybody else to hell. There are plenty of reasonable Christians out there capable of adhering to their beliefs without donning their douchebag robes.

So, my question is this: Why hasn’t anybody done it back to them? Christian media is some of the most disturbingly hilarious, outright psycho-violent stuff out there. Why do they get to pitch underhand while we’re all up chucking our insults regulation style? They’ve given us plenty of ammo to fire back with, and I say its about time somebody sucked it up and took the low road. So, here we go:

First, I would like a reasonable explanation as to why over half of the population believes that they, (or their wives and daughters,) are basically just a rib animated by God’s Special Sauce.

mcrib girls

Women in general say: Try us with barbecue sauce and pickles! We’re delicious and filling!

Right off the bat that seems like a pretty negative image to encourage – the belief that all women are giant walking McRib sandwiches – but they also force feed their children the most fucked up, disturbing, violent stories ever told; all in the hope that it will somehow assure their normality. I’m talking specifically about the flagship Saturday Morning Cartoon, “The Greatest Heroes and Legends of the Bible.”

jesus pimp cup

Jesus Christ says: …And the lord sayeth unto you, “this be my pimp-cup, don’t touch it.”

Remember that scene in “A Clockwork Orange” where they prop open the guy’s eyes and make him watch the most horrifying things they can muster up, under the assumption that it will deter him from violence? So, yeah…I don’t know if you guys just walked out of the movie after that part or something, but you know it wasn’t all happiness and butterflies from that point on, right? I mean, after hyper-exposing this guy to violence and horror – he didn’t just skip out of the clinic and on down Candy Lane, making friends with a couple of animated squirrels who spent the rest of their days teaching him to dance on Lilly-pads. In the end run, that whole “let’s make this violent criminal watch the most fucked up shit we can find, then hope he doesn’t want to do bad things anymore” idea – that shit didn’t float.

I know, right? It seemed like it totally would work, too.

So, why then? Maybe you’re just so exposed to your Christian folklore that you can’t see the forest for the trees. Alright, well, let me explain some things here. First problem: You have your kiddie show hosted by Charlton fucking Heston. I know he was Moses and all, but you know what else he was?

A fucking psychopath with more small arms than a midget Vishnu.

Whenever the cameraman comes into his house at the beginning of the show, he spins around suddenly and frantically reaches for the cabinet. He only pulls out a book…this time. But you know he was totally gonna kill you, right? Nobody spins around like that and shoots out their hands desperately seeking a book. There is not a man in existence that excited about reading. Not even Lavar Burton from Reading Rainbow, and he spends most of his off-air time wrapped in a robe made out of old magazines, vigorously masturbating to the alphabet.


Lavar Burton says: ‘O’ is for “Oh god, oh god I’m cuuumming!” Try to get that out of your head, fuckers! Sweet dreams, ha ha ha!

The cartoons don’t get much better when they start. You guys remember how you protest violence, cruelty, and negative images of women in just about everything? So why – and forgive my zeal here – but why the fuck do you think it’s perfectly acceptable to show your children innocent people being murdered in every episode of your cartoon? And you don’t just depict it as a deplorable possibility; you guys even put wacky sound effects in the background!

samson conditions, do you?

Samson says: Bitch, get behind me. Cover space is for people who care enough to use conditioner.

Take, for example, the episode “Samson and Deliliah.” Samson wagers that Delilah’s family can’t solve a riddle he gives them. He bets them some robes. After a week, they come back and solve his riddle. So, what do you have him do? You have him head out and kill about fifty random people, not related in the slightest to this situation, just to steal their clothes! And do you paint this as perhaps not the most reasonable solution to the task at hand? Do you pause to bring up an on-screen quiz, asking kids if Samson should:

A.) Go to his closet and get the old robes he doesn’t use anymore,

B.) Break out his wallet and head on down to Bible Gap,


C.) Murder the equivalent of a small village because he needs some pants.

No, you do not even ask. Instead, you play their blood-curdling death cries while upbeat music and wacky *boing* *bonk* sound effects play behind them.

I suppose that could be chalked up to a little lapse in judgment, but how about later when he wants vengeance on the entire Israelite population for solving his riddle? Maybe he should’ve been a bit clearer on the terms of this fun little bet they had. Perhaps he could’ve said “I’ll bet you fifty robes you cannot solve my riddle…however! If you do solve the riddle, I’ll not only give you the robes you’ve won – fresh from the corpses of your friends and family – I’ll throw in absolute genocide for all your people! But act now, this offer won’t last long! Did I mention I’m batshit fucking insane…FOR SAVINGS!?

Finally, you guys also portray Samson as a brilliant strategist, not merely physically strong. But to illustrate this point, you have him burn the Israelite’s crops in revenge (which is kind of fucked up in its own right,) by tying two stray dogs together and then, holy shit, LIGHTING THEIR FUCKING TAILS ON FIRE?!

smokey the pyro

Smokey The Bear says: All out of firewood? Here’s a Fun Forest Fact: Just tie two stray dogs together, and then light their tails! You’ll not only be warm the whole night through; their howls of pain will be your lullaby!

Maybe the reason your kids are flipping out and shooting up schools isn’t all on account of Grand Theft Auto letting them drive a Cadillac into an orphanage if they so choose, or Harry Potter teaching them to believe that British people are magic. Maybe it’s because you’re standing behind them when they’re four years old – telling them that every single word in the bible is absolutely true and following it is the only way to be a good person – then flipping on the television for a little harmless Christian Light-your-pets-on-fire Genocide Action.

I guess this explains a few things. If you’re truly presenting Samson as a brilliant strategist for his advancements in Small Flaming Mammal Technology, it is of small wonder that Bush came to power again. I’m sure Operation: Shock and Awe – with all the subtlety of its “blow the fuck out of everything and hope that some stuff works out” strategy – was like Sun Tzu playing Risk to you guys.

This argument is easy to do, fellas. If you don’t stop using it, I’m going to start. And I have plenty of ammo; I get the Christian channel, and I know all about Stephen Baldwin’s career. Tread carefully.

EDIT: I’ll shutup about GTA IV now, I just figured I needed somewhat of a segue away from that topic for all the people that came from Reddit and Stumbleupon – a way that introduced to them to the vile depths they’re in for if they stick around.

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16 Responses to Christian Media: Finally Judged By Their Own Standards.

  1. Pooky B says:

    Never again, Lavar. Never again

    You son of a bitch, Robert

    I can never watch Reading Rainbow again.

  2. Dauric says:

    While I agree that the Lavar Burton thing was a bit much, I mean there’s not nearly enough Drano to drink that image away…
    However, as I doubt that the Religious Reich will take your warning about unloading on them with all your ammo, please feel free to unload on the sanctimonious bastards preemptively. I can’t think of a better target.

  3. chad says:

    damn son.
    Robert, i love that you are hilarious. absolutely side-splitting. and at the same time you may be one of the strongest anchors i have to reality (yeah, scary – i know) – you just cut through the bullshit like a hot knife through so much bullshit butter. thank you for that.

  4. Justin Force says:

    Holy hell. “…more small arms than a midget Vishnu”?! Can you say “Pulitzer”?

  5. Robert says:

    Lavar just wants you guys to be okay with his sexuality. He told me after we fucked.

  6. Robert says:

    Chad, if I am your strongest anchor to reality, you are in trouble. I think an actual, literal anchor would be better suited to this purpose than I am.

  7. Robert says:

    Justin, I can say pulitzer. Are you ready?


    Do I get something? What do I get? Is it gold? Do I get gold? So where’s my gold, motherfucker?

  8. threephin says:

    Don’t shut up about GTA, I want a second installment! I’m pretty sure God kills some hookers somewhere in Revelation…

  9. dap6000 says:

    i did this once. some christian themed let’s censor TV in order to save the children organization called and started spouting their nonsense. so i asked the guy if he’d approve of a show for children involving a guy who murders 200 men and removes the skins from their penises in order to win the love of a woman. he said, “of course not, that’s sick.” so i told him to never read 2nd kings. he tries to counter that when stuff like that’s in the bible it “isn’t glorified”. i told him that was bullshit, everything king david did was glorified. he’s one of the heroes of the bible.

    then, a few years later, we actually get a bible heroes cartoon.

    and, technically, in the original book “a clockwork orange”, the treatments DID work, at least in the long run. or at the very least they didn’t fuck alex up any worse ‘cos he grows up to be a fairly normal guy.

    AND, seriously, fuck you about that lavar burton shit. i’m not even sure i’ll be able to let my kids watch reading rainbow anymore.

  10. Pingback: » Grand Theft Auto IV: The best, and worst game ever made?

  11. Nullo says:

    I can certainly understand how some of the things here might come across as a double standard, and I agree that parts of all this is over the top (the worry over violence, some of the content, and your application of hyperbole, for instance).
    However, I don’t see how the Eve-from-a-rib is one of these, particularly when one considers the fact that most of the negativity that comes through that part of the article is from your own somewhat negative spin and embellishments. As you point out, the rib that Eve was made out of was Adam’s, not some random food animal as is the case with the sort of ribs that one eats. As Genesis does a good job of pointing out, Eve was made from a rib in much the same way that Adam was made out of dirt; we are very quickly presented with Adam (who is not dirt) and Eve (who is not a rib). Thus, none of us regard females as ribs any more than you might.

    Also, you seem to be lumping the Philistines in with the Israelites in that bit about Samson; the two are rather distinct, and Samson, who is admittely not the brightest bulb in the pack (telling your enemies what your weakness is does not rank high on the list of Smart Things), nevertheless knew the difference. Thus, unless I am mistaken, it was the Philistine’s crops that he burned.
    And let us not forget the circumstances under which these anti-Philistine actions were taken: Israel had been conquered by the Philistines, who had proceeded to move in. Samson, as one of the Judges, had the task of driving them out in the most efficient manner possible; given the times and politics of the day, as well as Philistine culture, that meant being antisocial (thus, Samson did not kill fifty people because he was cheap; he did it because they were nasty oppressive occupying invaders). Perhaps it’s not a story particularly suited to children, but the Bible is kinda like that; to its credit, the text is not graphic.
    Finally, keep in mind that in that place and time, dogs weren’t pets. Associating someone with a dog then would be like associating someone with Nazis today.

    And Dap, I don’t think that that particular story of King David has ever been adapted for video for any audience (let alone children).
    Furthermore, it is untrue that everything that David did was glorified; one thing that comes to mind is the story of David and Bathsheba, where David essentially marched Bathsheba’s husband into the middle of a war zone and left him there to die so that he could get his wife. God did not approve in a very big way, to the point of both punishing David and sending a prophet to chew him out, and recording his sin for all time.

  12. Robert says:


    I’m not severely drunk, an angsty teenager, a philosophy major, or dating you. As such, I don’t really have any cause to start the whole religion debate. If you’re going to be religious; that’s great. If it makes you happy and secure, then your faith is a wonderful thing.

    A few things for the record:

    This is a comedy site, so I’m going to exaggerate and offend to make my point.

    I was only talking about the cartoon, not the actual story of Samson.

    And you’re probably right, I probably did mean the Philistines.

    However, this is still my site, and you came to me to read and to comment, not the other way around. So, despite it being provocative of a futile, stupid, and age-old religious argument:

    Eve did not come from a rib. Adam did not come from dirt. They came from a book. Humanity did not come from Adam and Eve. These things are not true, because they are blatantly insane.

    Also, genies aren’t real, dragons are make-believe, and I’m very sorry, but spider-man was just a story. You can’t actually get powers from radioactive spiders.

    The spider would just die if it was radioactive.

    Love and punches,

  13. Allen says:

    Fuckin A, Robert.
    I hate Christian Hypocrisy and, come to that, all religious bullshit.
    STOP BLAIMING VIDEO GAMES YOU FUCKING DICKS! Maybe it was YOU, Christian Parent, who instilled psychotic tendencies in your child while you were teaching them to hate gays, jews and arabs.

  14. sam says:

    british ARE magic.

  15. Ashurbanipal says:

    “You have him head out and kill about fifty random people, not related in the slightest to this situation, just to steal their clothes! And do you paint this as perhaps not the most reasonable solution to the task at hand? Do you pause to bring up an on-screen quiz, asking kids if Samson should:

    A.) Go to his closet and get the old robes he doesn’t use anymore,

    B.) Break out his wallet and head on down to Bible Gap,


    C.) Murder the equivalent of a small village because he needs some pants.

    No, you do not even ask. Instead, you play their blood-curdling death cries while upbeat music and wacky *boing* *bonk* sound effects play behind them.”

    Dude, you do not know how many tears of laughter I shed from reading this. You’re a fuckin comedic genius.

  16. charlie says:

    Message:oooooooooooo babyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

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