Robots Shall Not Take My Sandwich.

Hello! So…how about robots?

They’re awesome. Pretty much anything that needs doing is made at least a little more awesome if it’s done by a robot. Need your laundry done? WashBot. Need a beer? Kegbot. Need to beat up some hobos?

Why yes, there is actually a robot for that.

Seriously, did you need to build a robot to terrorize bums? I’m pretty sure that’s what winter and feral dogs are for. I mean, why build a robot that performs your hobbies for you? Previously robots were only built to more efficiently perform menial tasks that we didn’t want to do, and if you’re building a robot just to shoot at bums, chances are you find shooting at bums enjoyable.


There is no other reason to mount a video camera on it, much less have it stream that footage of its homeless fightin’ antics to the 60-inch TV at your bar. You like fucking with hobos, that much is plain and clear. And yes, you may be the lord of the douchebaskets for doing so, but why deprive yourself of the few twisted jollies you get in life by building a robot that likes it more than you? This seems self-defeating. Are you going to program a robot to eat steak for you? To drink beer for you? To secretly and shamefully masturbate to homeless-themed pornography sites every night while your wife quietly cries in the garage, pretending she didn’t find that copy of Street Roots under your mattress with the pages stuck together?

I like robots too, but the day somebody builds a robot that loves sandwiches and Guinness more than me is the day I take to the caves and sewers to begin the New Luddite uprising. Technology is great, but it’s not sammich great. Period.

So let’s not go down this road, okay? Just suck it up, bite the bullet, and visit yourself, buddy. Some things robots shouldn’t learn how to do, and I would like it if shameful perversion is among those things.


Bum Bot is a stupid name. I’m just throwing it out there, but why not load it with Peter Weller quotes and call it Hobocop?


I sure hope is not a real site, but I have a nagging feeling that it is. I do not have the balls to confirm this, however. I just can’t handle any more of the internet’s dark libido. Can you? If so, enlighten me please. But be sure to thank your subconscious for taking another one for the team, and I’m sorry about the nightmares that are sure to plague your sunset years.

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10 Responses to Robots Shall Not Take My Sandwich.

  1. War2d2 says:

    Yeah, exists but it’s just a parked domain. Nothing to be seen here, move along.

    PS: Hobocop would be an awesome short film title.

  2. Muledriver says:

    Coincidentally, the Urban Dictionary defines ‘hobocop’ as:

    “1. hobocop

    A homeless person, or hobo, who performs oral sex on police officers in return for being arrested so they can spend the night in a warm jail cell.”

    This would probably be a very popular upgrade to this guy’s robot.

  3. Pooky B says:

    Hobocop vs. Thunderbird

  4. Jerk Face says:

    Awesome post as always! And for the record, the fact that this story is 100% real is fucking ridiculous. I can’t believe the cops haven’t put a stop to it!

  5. Robert says:


    Thank you for your sacrifice. It could’ve ended poorly. You could’ve seen bum porn, where every act is a dirty sanchez, and I appreciate your courage.

  6. Robert says:

    Muledriver, you have made life a little less enjoyable. Congratulations.

  7. Mike Fool says:

    “Street people say it’s intimidating.” What exactly is a street person? Is that how they are referring to the homeless, as street people? Now that makes me giggle. What kind of bar is this anyway if the owner is carrying assault rifles and building robots to protect it. Why doesn’t he just hire James Dalton?

  8. Robert says:

    I think “street people” is PC talk for black dudes.

  9. Muledriver says:

    “Muledriver, you have made life a little less enjoyable. Congratulations.”

    Sure, Rob. Always glad to help.

    Or eat snacks.

    You know…whichever.

  10. Mike Fool says:

    Snacks are delicious, especially when they have alcohol in them.

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