Hello! So…how about robots?
They’re awesome. Pretty much anything that needs doing is made at least a little more awesome if it’s done by a robot. Need your laundry done? WashBot. Need a beer? Kegbot. Need to beat up some hobos?
Seriously, did you need to build a robot to terrorize bums? I’m pretty sure that’s what winter and feral dogs are for. I mean, why build a robot that performs your hobbies for you? Previously robots were only built to more efficiently perform menial tasks that we didn’t want to do, and if you’re building a robot just to shoot at bums, chances are you find shooting at bums enjoyable.
There is no other reason to mount a video camera on it, much less have it stream that footage of its homeless fightin’ antics to the 60-inch TV at your bar. You like fucking with hobos, that much is plain and clear. And yes, you may be the lord of the douchebaskets for doing so, but why deprive yourself of the few twisted jollies you get in life by building a robot that likes it more than you? This seems self-defeating. Are you going to program a robot to eat steak for you? To drink beer for you? To secretly and shamefully masturbate to homeless-themed pornography sites every night while your wife quietly cries in the garage, pretending she didn’t find that copy of Street Roots under your mattress with the pages stuck together?
I like robots too, but the day somebody builds a robot that loves sandwiches and Guinness more than me is the day I take to the caves and sewers to begin the New Luddite uprising. Technology is great, but it’s not sammich great. Period.
So let’s not go down this road, okay? Just suck it up, bite the bullet, and visit Bumfucker.com yourself, buddy. Some things robots shouldn’t learn how to do, and I would like it if shameful perversion is among those things.
Bum Bot is a stupid name. I’m just throwing it out there, but why not load it with Peter Weller quotes and call it Hobocop?
I sure hope Bumfucker.com is not a real site, but I have a nagging feeling that it is. I do not have the balls to confirm this, however. I just can’t handle any more of the internet’s dark libido. Can you? If so, enlighten me please. But be sure to thank your subconscious for taking another one for the team, and I’m sorry about the nightmares that are sure to plague your sunset years.