The Last Great Sage of Russia

Russian soldiers found this crazy-ass thing on a beach over the weekend, and are baffled as to what it could be.

I assume this is because The Dark Crystal didn’t translate very well over there, because clearly, it’s this guy:

Also, this is a prime opportunity to posit a question that has been bothering me for years: Why is it that when Russians are perplexed by a situation, the first thing they do is send an old Russian man to smoke a cigarette directly over said situation?

Does this help? Is it the same guy? Is there one dude in Russia that you call when you don’t know shit – and he comes in, lights up, pokes around for a bit in his silken man-blouse – before ultimately proclaiming, “Da. Whut you haff here is easy. Is urRu. From Dark Crystal. Step lightly, comrade, Skeksis not far behind,” at which point he fires up his giant, gray, box-shaped truck and trundles off into the sunset listening to shitty techno from 1996?

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11 Responses to The Last Great Sage of Russia

  1. Muledriver says:


    Dude, holy shit. This might be the funniest post you’ve ever written. Especially that last paragraph.


  2. Brett says:

    I don’t know man, I think the Chuck Norris post was better. You were so good before you sold out Robert… IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU! IT’S LIKE WE’VE NEVER EVEN MET MAN! Also, thanks for the Xbox Live friend… thing… We’ll have to play TF2 sometime.

  3. Paul says:

    In Soviet Russia life essence drinks emperor! Which doesn’t even make any sense. No wonder they lost the Cold War.

  4. Josh says:

    donttouchmyhat here. And goddamn am I laughing.

  5. Chalks says:
    earliest comment I saw was in 2006.

    Not that I won’t be calling that smoking guy the next time something puzzles me or anything.

  6. Chalks says:

    Ha. I just realized that you actually made that EXACT SAME LINK at the top of the page. I fail at reading. 😦

  7. danger says:

    Which of the seven days of creation do you think the Creationists assign to Muppets? They better figure this shit out soon, cuz you have some strong evidence here. I’m presenting this to the Kansas School Board next week!

  8. sam says:

    coolest job ever!

  9. Aleksandr Rzanikov (RUSSIAN) says:

    Message:Yoy absolute dopes!PAUL if it wasnt for RUSSIAN IN WW22 you would licking some german shoes now! if in america you learn anything in school you should at least know smoething about WW2,nothing else to say but you are all retards

  10. Aleksandr Rzanikov (RUSSIAN) says:

    Message:P.S..MY ENGLISH ISNT THAT BAD,i was just hurrying because in russia we actually do things,not sit on a couch all day long

  11. GaryOak says:

    I don’t sit on a couch, I sit on a bed.
    Regardless, we might be retards, but for the most part we remember to delete “Message:” before we start sucking dick in word form.
    Even if Germany took over, I doubt we’d be licking their shoes. Making them maybe, but I don’t see any tongue action going on.

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