Racism is cool again – wait…again?

It’s widely known that it’s perfectly acceptable to be fairly racist as long as you are very, very old. In part this is because your severe age renders you somewhat harmless; your average octogenarian is not exactly going to hike up their old-timey suspenders, adjust their pork-pie hats, and trot off’a lynchin’ for sport on a Sunday morning, are they?

But it is also due in large part to the things that old people are racist about. I’m sure in their day it was a terrible, dehumanizing remark to imply that colored folk all drive Pontiacs and are quite poor at baking cakes, but it’s so anachronistic and strange that it doesn’t even matter anymore.

This has led to me to an amazing realization: It is the attempted logical justification and slight hint of truth that makes racism so dangerous. You are extrapolating false and hurtful generalizations from some form of real, actual data. However, it is perfectly acceptable for anybody, regardless of age, to be as racist as they want – as long as their ultimate conclusions make no logical sense.

Always on the forefront of experimentation, I will now risk massive controversy and public condemnation by trying it out first:

Those damned Mexicans – sure they have the power of unassisted human flight, but they ain’t got a shit’s sense of equillibrium. You find me a flyin’ Mexican, I guaran-god-damned-tee you he’s facin’ the wrong way.

hey, the air's that way, Mexy.

There, ya see! Fuckin’ Mexicans can’t steer in the air. That there’s a fact. You bank that. You bank it.

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14 Responses to Racism is cool again – wait…again?

  1. hulaman345 says:

    At least they have good handwriting. Daggum Polish.

  2. Pooky B says:

    as a flying mexican, i must call into question a few facts in this article:
    1) flying mexicans only lose equilibrium when wearing luchadore masks
    2)tequila will magically help regain said equilibrium
    3)we make damn good rice

    that is all

  3. Robert says:

    Dear Mexican,

    I find the things your people do with flour to be rather excellent in every way.

    Keep up the good work,

  4. James says:

    Here’s a little know fact about us white folk:

    Every single one of us owns a garden trowel. Every single fucking one of us.

    Hmmm. I gave it a try, but I still don’t feel cool. Robert, help!

  5. Robert says:

    That’s because you’re being racist against yourself, which isn’t actually racism. It’s self deprecation. Self deprecation is so 2002, dude. Try it with some balls, step up to the plate and confusingly offend some minorities.


    You know what my biggest problem is with Asians? Always purchasing throw carpets. That’s fucking bullshit. Every time I go to the store some god damn Asian is walking out with a decorative rug, leaving good, hard working white folk with bare floors!

    Son of a bitching Asians.

  6. Brett says:

    You know what I hate about Puerto Ricans? Flowered shirts. How come when I wear a flowered shirt, I’m gay, yet when a Puerto Rican can wear a flowered shirt, he plays maracas and he’s a sexy dancer? THAT’S NOT FAIR! Fucking Puerto Ricans taking flowered shirts away from men.

  7. StoatLad says:


    If you have read Adam Brown’s Cracked.com article regarding ill-advised dating sites, you will probably understand that my credibility is ruined. Please do not be surprised at the 98% decrease in the efficiency of my pimping of your (collective: you, Cheeseman, Brown) AtomFilms articles; this is due to both my newfound status of spammer and bitter demeanor.


    Dictated but not read.

  8. James says:

    Okay. Lemme give this a shot.

    So the other day, I was at the supermarket, in the frozen foods section, when I noticed this Lithuanian monk poring over what looked like a 7 pound block of Colby-Jack.

    It occured to me…you know, those dagorne Lithuanians and their unhealthy obsession with pastuerized dairy is what’s wrong with our country today!

    I mean, come on ya stinkin’ Litho, why don’t you try something processed every now and again?!


    Okay. Did that one work?

    I think I’m getting the hang of it!

  9. Muledriver says:

    Hey! You guys are racist, too? Awesome!

    Know what I hate about Jews? They all smell like delicious cupcakes. Except for the female Jews who smell like cotton candy.

    Damn Jews…seriously. I have to shower every day. Often several times a day. But do the Jews? Noooooo. They naturally smell like enticing treats all the time with no effort.

    That’s bullshit.

  10. Robert says:

    Yes! Embrace your racism!

    This is all coming together nicely.

    Soon, I will have an army to accompany me into hell.

  11. Robert says:


    It’s okay, man. I won’t judge you for having a ridiculous amount of passion for tallmingle.com. There’s something horrifically erotic about a nice, lanky piece of ass making small talk on the internet.

    I mean, I’m six foot two, and I constantly want to fuck myself.

  12. StoatLad says:

    Who wouldn’t?

    I think I crossed a line there.

  13. JayT says:

    James, everyone knows that the proper derogatory term for a Lithuanian is “Lugan.” Pronounced “Loo-Gun.” If you are going to be racist towards my race I would appreciate it if you at least got the basics right.

    Oh, and have you every even had Lithuanian cheese? if you had you would understand our obsession with it.
    Man, now I’m hungry. I need to get out of California and move back to the Midwest where there is some diversity!

  14. Robert says:

    Oh, snap, James.

    Called out by a filthy Lugan.

    Live that down!

    P.S. Is Lithuanian cheese really a thing?

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