Hey, integrity…yeah, you….eat a dick!

I’m right in the middle of finals for all twenty credits of my upper division college courses, as well as trying to finish up another article for Atomfilms (and hopefully a better one,) so you’ll have to forgive a little recycling here. I’ll be exploiting the ‘if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you!’ premise that NBC used to run a network on, only by contrast I actually feel kind of bad for doing it and I just run a free blog about dicks. What the fuck was your excuse, NBC?


So, here’s an old post that I was reminded of by a radio DJ this morning, who probably only did so because he ran out of new and inventive ways to be a fucking waste of life:

I’m sick.

Not in the normal, fucked up in the soul kind of way, but truly sick.

I sound like hell, I feel like shit, and I look like somebody punched a frog in the neck.

Obviously, I’m having trouble thinking. Which is not to imply that I’m exactly performing rocket surgery in my normal state, I only mention it because I feel that I can now relate more to the mentally deficient of the world. Twice in the last month, for example, I just plain forgot how to work stairs – hurtling myself bodily down their span rather than…y’know, using feet. Once, in a spectacularly violent display of slapstick, I couldn’t figure out the basic concept of glass and walked into a sliding glass door. So, basically, I broke my nose on a see through wall, with a house full of people staring directly at me. There were birds laughing at me. They were saying “dude, I’ve so done that! Ha ha ha!”

So, clearly, I’m fucking stupid. But even considering my new social status as a “special” person, I cannot understand this.

They’re making a biopic of Janis Joplin. In the traditional movie narration voice, I heard them announce the following:



Janis Joplin

To which I would like to respond:



She isn’t.

They’re casting Pink!


Not the color, ’cause as crazy as that would be it would still make infinitely more sense than the singer/stupid whore named Pink. But that’s not all! The movie not only won’t feature any of Janis’ music (what?) but rather, the songs will all be covers (what?!) done by Pink (WHAT?!) I’m only holding onto my sanity by my tenuous grasp on these exclamation marks!

absolutely not

You know you’ve outdone yourself on stupid when the reality of your situation is funnier than the punch line of any joke you can make about it. Let me illustrate:

Idea Man: …so, long story short, we’re making a biopic of Janis Joplin. Playing the part of Janis is, get this, a fluffy bunny rabbit! Fluffy Bunny Rabbit IS…Janis Joplin!

Studio Executive #1: Ha ha! Yeah, right! Or Gary Busey!

Studio Executive #3: Ha ha! Wait, I got one. The Harlem Globetrotters ARE…Janis Joplin!

Studio Executive #2: Ha ha! Yeah, or Pink!

All: Ha ha ha ha!

You see, Pink is still funnier! It’s funnier because it’s much, much stupider than any bullshit you could make up! Even considering the state I’m in, I could’ve pieced this together for you guys. And I would’ve done it for free, just so humanity could still pretend it had some street cred.


Look man, this is sad. I’m the one outsmarting you here, and I just tried to drink out of a roll of toilet paper and tripped on my own pants.

If the powers that be truly loved you, they’d give you enough intelligence not to wear a plastic bag for a space helmet, or play tag with a moving train, or cast Pink as Janis Joplin in a movie with none of her music. But they obviously did not do that. I guess this just proves that there really is no God.

I mean, there is Jesus…but he just hates you so fucking much, sometimes, it’s like fire in his veins. Seriously. You’re just lucky he hasn’t come down here and kicked your fucking ass for this already.

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2 Responses to Hey, integrity…yeah, you….eat a dick!

  1. Paul says:

    I’m going to go ahead and defend Pink here for a second (neither I or my penis can believe I just typed that). She actually has a really great voice when she’s not doing her regular pop music. And they could’ve made a much worse decision. Compare, Pink singing a Janis Joplin song at an awards ceremony for the guy who wrote the damn song:

    With a potential alternative, Jennifer Love Hewitt:

  2. Robert says:

    No dude, I still don’t see (or hear) it at all. I mean, yes, she is a better choice than Jennifer Love Hewitt, but so are any number of things, such as abortion, voting for Nader, or Pepsi Clear. And that shit is just Pepsi that somebody spit in.

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