The girlfriend and I were going to Vancouver, Washington a few weeks ago…well, perhaps going is the wrong word. Hmm. Forced, maybe. No, that’s not right. Coerced? Harrassed? Raped? Yes. Yes, that’s good. Let’s do that one.

The girlfriend and I were raped into Vancouver, Washington a few weeks ago where we purchased six gallons of crack at the local Costco (For those of you not in the know, Crack In The Gallon is just another narcotic in an inappropriate container – a lot like Wine In A Box) when we noticed something from the parking lot. We both literally stopped in our tracks and stared dumbfounded across the street. We saw what appeared to be an enormous multi-story beige warehouse (which is not, in and of itself, unusual for Vancouver – beige warehouses constituting roughly 97% of Vancouver’s usable landspace, the other 3% being mostly shit and tears) with a twenty-foot tall mural of this across the front:

holy shit, vancouver

Now for those of you who, like dogs, are unable to see shit beyond a certain threshold of crazy, that was a picture of Jesus. A picture of Jesus ripped like the Hulk. A picture of Jesus, ripped like the Hulk, and benchpressing the cross in a puddle of his own blood…on a mountaintop. Okay, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “big deal, the internet does shit like this all the time.” And yeah, I know dude, because mostly it’s me doing it. But I swear to god, this is the logo for a real, legitimate business. It is called – as the logo informed you earlier if you were still able to process words while looking at that picture – The Lord’s Gym.

Click here for the website.

It’s not just one fucking fluke of psychosis! It’s a national chain!

In their logo, the cross is no longer a symbol of spiritual pain or suffering, it’s more like a really kickin’ workout routine. Jesus is no longer a sacrificial lamb, but just like, a dude who felt the ultimate burn, bro! He’s no longer half-starved, stick-thin and poverty stricken. No, this Jesus eats eight steaks a day and only drinks protein shakes. The meek shall inherit the earth? The meek shall inherit my fuckin’ boot up their ass, amirite bro? FUCK YEAH!

jesus christ what is...oh, right

Fundamental Christians have always had a kind of seizure grip on redneck America, and this is just the logical progression of that. They sold the poorly-educated, overtly macho, rural male the idea that the only real American is a Christian American, but then expected them to worship the biblical Jesus. The guy who dresses like it’s Yoga O’Clock. The guy who preaches that you should always forgive and never fight back. They put this kind of hippie guy on some bumper stickers with the Star Spangled Banner, and now he rides around on the back of pick-up trucks with gun-racks and confederate flags. And now to the rural male, Jesus was just a dude who hates faggots and loves America and y’know, the bible didn’t mention it specifically, but it’s pretty common knowledge he also banged bitches and downed brews with the best of ’em.

break yoself, fool!

Of course rednecks are going to masculinize Jesus!

This whole concept – this ripped-like-Spartacus savior tearing around town on his Harley and getting into bar fights – this is terrifying. Where’s the humility in being built like a brick shithouse made out of beef and bullets? Where’s the meekness in bench-pressing the cross? That’s not like suffering for the world, it’s like taking all of the world’s suffering and ripping it in half like a phone book. Basically the Fundamentalist Christians, in courting the rural male so strongly, have only succeeded in starting an entirely new sect of Christianity. A sect that then made up their own savior. A more appropriate savior. A savior that is basically just Christ’s head superimposed on Hulk Hogan’s body. They’ve imbued the hillbilly with a furious religious zealotry for a shit-kicking warrior king who hates queers and college types and votes Republican.

It’s only a matter of time, really, before this new Pumped Up Jesus sees the Fundamentalists as no longer a part of their religion. And then, considering their love of fightin’ and fuckin’ and their hatred of big words, what do you say to placate them? A conflict between conventional Christianity and redneck Christianity is almost inevitable at this point; this whole Lord’s Gym thing is just another symptom of that schism. And when that time comes, do you know where I’ll be?

I’ll be inside this shirt:

choose your side

Because I’m not much of a fighter, but I still remember some Metallica lyrics from when I was 15 and I’m pretty sure I can fake it. Because the other Christians made their bed, and now they can lie in it while it’s clean-and-jerked above a roaring Hulkamaniac’s head and hurled into an idling wheat thresher.

But mostly because when you stop and think about it, that’s a pretty fuckin’ sweet shirt, isn’t it?

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11 Responses to MUSCLECHRIST!

  1. Mike Fool says:

    That shirt absolutely rules, but I fail to see the connection between Christ and crunches. wait…come to think of it, you have the stations of the cross, which can be interpreted as stations in a gym. You can do preacher curls, lunges kind of look like you’re genuflecting. For motivation when you’re trying to squeak out that least rep your buddy can yell “The power of Christ compels you!” instead of giving you a spot. It all makes sense now.

  2. Robert says:

    That is exactly how that has to happen. There is no other way. It makes too much sense.

  3. Ian says:

    You inspired me to reprint an old journal entry that called on the same images:

  4. Robert says:

    Ha ha ha!

    I’d seen the image before, but I didn’t know it was for an actual place and meant in all earnestness. Did you see the damn shirt? “His pain, your gain”? That’s too good to be true.

  5. Ian says:

    “The guy who dresses like it’s Yoga O’Clock”

    That killed. Outstanding.

  6. I now understand more about the layers built into this horrible meat-head I see at 24 Hour Fitness. He has a Jesus-complex AND a tiny penis; also, a tattoo of a dolphin that looks angry.

  7. dgrub says:

    didnt they. uhm. prove by crucifying a cadaver that youd have to put the nails in the wrists to keep it from sloughing down into a bloody heap by Mary’s foot-washing ass? and also, whose dead body did they fucking use? is there a checkmark on my ID right next to the organ donor selection choice that says “it’s ok to nail me to some wood to mythbuster out the bible”? did i miss that? because i’d like to do that. it’d take some pretty hefty nails to keep my big ass up. maybe nine inch HOYO!

  8. Kevin says:

    I actually belonged to a gym that, while it didn’t have the “Lord’s Gym” name had those pictures and the “His Pain, Your Gain” slogan painted on the wall. It actually took me about a week of going there for my brain to finally process what the images were on the wall. I guess as a Jew I probably should have found a new gym, but the membership fees were so cheap I just had to stick it out. Maybe that was the plan? Make the gym so cheap that Jews can’t resist and then convert the shit out of them either with Christian rock through the loudspeakers or forcing them to do crucifix squats till they bleed from their palms.

  9. nick says:

    Perhaps you have seen this?

  10. Robert says:

    I had seen that, Meagan brought it up too. I thought it was an isolated incident, though, and certainly occurring far, far away from the sanity and reason of the Northwest.

  11. Rob from the Britain! says:

    So I have been busting my guts at your utterly hilarious blog for over half hour and I fully intend to share it with my buddies.

    You have an excellent sense of humour and my dutch friend who I only know as ‘Grazuul’ is almost a complete spitting-image-double-lookeylikey in terms of the sorts of comments and word us and scarily, I do wonder if you’re not in fact the same person and that he’s been pretending to be dutch all this time!

    Anyway, I loved it. I am still giggling and sniggering in alternation over this ‘Lord’s Gym’

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