Will it scan?

I’ve just bought a scanner, and that means you will be seeing way too much of some of the following things:

1.) Half-completed scans of my terrified cat

2.) My bizarre and let’s be honest, childish drawings

3.) Flattened cock

Which one did you guess? If you guessed all three, you would be…wrong!

I will, of course, be pursuing all three of these options, but you will only be able to see my bizarre and childish sketches. Because, as logic dictates, attempted scans of my cat will go only to my girlfriend, while flattened cock scans will be sent, along with threatening notes quoting obscure bible verses, exclusively to TV’s MacGyver, Richard Dean Anderson.

macgyver flattened cock

So, here’s the kind of sketch I spent years practicing technique for:

rocketpunch lincoln

That’s right, it’s Abraham Lincoln with a steam powered robotic arm. I call him “Rocketpunch Lincoln.” I created a whole universe of drawings for Lincoln, involving a complicated back-story prior to his presidency that involved him heavily (as a cybernetically enhanced secret agent,) in the events of the Crimean War. These sketches included Karl Marx as a werewolf (creatively named Were-Marx,) as well as such memorable characters as The Shaolin Pope, a robot servant named The Gentlemen’s Companion and, of course, the obligatory Napolean Bonaparte Super-Mech. I was all set to start a comic of these fucking ridiculous concepts, when I noticed something:

rocketpunch fuckup

See, I just get too excited while drawing, stopping frequently to pump my fist in the air and to make explosion noises with my mouth, and sometimes forget that I was supposed to be drawing such trivial matters as say, another arm. This ultimately results in awkward, last minute adjustments that leave all of my pictures with absurdly detailed focus points, such as weapons or top hats, but huge, glaring errors, such as possibly broken limbs flailing haphazardly at hastily sketched pocketwatches.

It is a unique problem, shared only with me by five year old boys. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

KABOOOOOM PKOW PKOW PKROOOOSH BLAK BLAK *ah god, he got me with his awesome robot arm oh i’m dead shit* BEEEEOOOOOO BAGOOOOOOM!!!!

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9 Responses to Will it scan?

  1. Jess says:

    Professional comic artists such as Rob Liefield have been dealing with this exact same issue by pretending it doesn’t exist.

  2. Robert says:

    Yes, but to an artist, wanting to be like Rob Liefield is like an aspiring filmmaker wanting to be like Michael Bay. Nobody wants to be ‘that guy.’ Those guys don’t even want to be ‘that guy.’

    Sure, he gets paid, but everywhere he goes you know there’s one dude in the audience that yells ‘you can’t draw feet!’ and everybody laughs.

    You know that tears him apart at night. Like ‘Nam.

  3. Chalks says:

    Holy crap. Robot Lincoln made me spew Snapple all over everything.

    Yes. I keep a bottle of Snapple next to my computer so that when I’m laughing, I can take a drink of it for the sole purpose of spraying it all over my keyboard. The comedy is so much better that way.

  4. Robert says:

    Spit takes is old school, yo.

    Personally I have a bow-tie with a motor in it that spins whenever I say something funny.

    FUCKING VAUDEVILLE STYLE REPRESENT HOMES.

  5. Mike Fool says:

    Would Lincoln be a southpaw during boxing matches or does he jab with the rocketpunch?

  6. StoatLad says:

    There is no boxing match. There is only a single, well delivered, face-pulping strike.

  7. Jess says:

    I have to comment that even months later, every time I glance at that picture of Richard Dean Anderson and read the Bible verse you’ve quoted, I start giggling like a little girl (oftentimes at work in my otherwise silent office, drawing confused looks and building up my reputation as “that insane guy who writes the press releases”). As awesome as Rocket Punch Lincoln is, the true humor value in this post will forever be your “relationship” with MacGyver.

  8. Allen says:

    You should totally get all those characters together on here! I wanna see em.

  9. GADogs says:

    Am I the only one who noticed how absolutely hilarious the Bible verse was?

    God essentially wants us to punch our roommate in the balls if he wakes us up.

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