You got your classic nudes in my American tragedy…

So, I was expecting that because I posted a carefully worded, reasonable plea (read: shameless fucking begging) a decent amount of people would help me out in pushing that article.

I expected maybe 10% of the people that come through here daily to help me out…turns out that number was more along the lines of 1%.

I expected maybe the people I know personally to lend a hand…turns out even my girlfriend hasn’t read the article, much less helped me push it.

So, as a way of thanking all of you who did help out, here are the nudes I promised you:

don't look at me, bitch

OG camwhore

buncha nudes

Because you can’t spell classy without ‘dat “ass.”

Now, look away everybody who helped. Are they gone? Good, as a way of punishing the vast majority of you who didn’t do shit, this is yours:

buildings like digits

rasterized tragedy

you made this eagle cry

YEAH.

I WENT THERE.

I BET YOU FEEL BAD NOW, HUH? NOT ABOUT ME OR ANYTHING, BUT BAD IN MORE OF A GENERAL SENSE. I BET YOU’RE JUST SLIGHTLY LESS HAPPY, SO THERE.

That’s right. I 9/11-ed you. You got 9/11-ed.

As a way of further displaying my unhappiness, the next several posts will now be in the style of Entertainment Tonight. My article tanked and I probably won’t be doing anything else, so now you’re stuck with just that kind of crap for your entertainment news. I’m going to show you what you’re in for.

I fuckin’ hope you guys are ready for some zingers, because there’s a storm approaching, and behind it there are four pale riders whose names are death, and the zingers follow with them.

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10 Responses to You got your classic nudes in my American tragedy…

  1. Ian says:

    I’ve been pretty busy. Could I just digg this and get you off my ass?

  2. Robert says:

    Yes. That is exactly what you should have done, now, you can only await the zingers.

  3. James says:

    Robert.

    I dugg you. Not only did I dugg you, I made that shit WORK.

    THank you for the nippleage. Now I can rest.

    -James
    –Always has a couch for Robert

  4. I hope the next terrorist attack is on a much catchier sounding date than 9/11. Like on Oct. 10th. Ten-Ten. Never forget Ten-Ten. Regardless of juncture, the most important thing about this future event is for me to not be flying on that specific day.

    Also, WTF am I supposed to do with my “Digg” account now? It’s going to get all dusty just laying there.

  5. dgrub says:

    ack. poor robert. that sucks.

    i copy and paste your blogs into mine and claim them as my own, so i hope that helps.

    plus, i like zingers. shit, i even read cracked.

  6. ken says:

    Dude, I read your article. I laughed out loud, twice. TWICE! Not even pity laughs. And, I appreciated the nudes. Sure, they weren’t Alba or Simpson, but they were nudes. And then I laughed when you said you were going to punish the others. So I scroll down, and MY BONER IS RUINED AND I FEEL SLIGHTLY BAD! You fucking bastard.

  7. Robert says:

    Hey now, I gave you fair warning and told you to look away so that you could indulge in some very tasteful, very subdued and refined masturbation. Possibly climaxing to Rachmaninoff into your silken, monogrammed handkerchief. If you got accidentally 9/11ed, it’s your own fault.

    However, if you continued reading cause you didn’t help, well then that was exactly what I wanted to happen, so ha. I wanted to ruin some boners.

  8. Jess says:

    I think you should have made the link bigger. Just my meager opinion, man.

  9. ken says:

    I’m just kidding, Robbo. I loved your article. It needed a little work, but I think you could have a nice future. Good luck, ya bastard.

  10. Robert says:

    Well Ken, the version you saw was by no means the version I submitted.

    The one that went up was after about ten hours going through bosses, managers, and legal teams. A good number of lines were altered or cut entirely, and almost all of the images didn’t make it past legal. The original article was more in-depth at about 3000 words, had around 3-4 images per entry, and was so fuck-all foul that it made babies cry just by existing.

    But that’s what editorial staff is there for, to protect you all from the likes of me.

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