Whole-hearted Mustache

You know what?

I’m sick of hipsters loving mustaches ironically. Every damn bar I go to there’s a guy in there in vintage jeans and a blazer with fucking band patches all over it, and sure enough right there on his dick of a head is a Jack White half-stache. There he stands, doling out ironic swaggers while pointing repeatedly at his lip-hat, and ruining manhood for everybody.

dickhead mustache

I mean, I see where you’re coming from here, and I readily admit that the ’70s era Burt Reynolds model is ridiculous. It’s symbolic of everything wrong with that sort of mentality, and it doesn’t help that the only people still sporting it honestly are cops and hillbillies. But that doesn’t mean this whole face genre is irrelevant. I personally enjoy the turn of the century villain mustache. The simple pleasure of twisting it idly in thought cannot be matched by the joy you get out of wearing your “mustache rides 5 cents” shirt to artfag venues.

ironic mustache

I have a mustache, god damn it. And it is important that you know it is not ironic. I get a lot of knowing looks from dickheads with Vote For Pedro shirts, and I want to make it clear:

the fuck you mustache

See this? I genuinely mean this mustache. My face is not fucking around.

My mustache is the brass knuckles of my personality.

Yes, I have a beard also, but that’s just so my mustache has something to fuck if it gets lonely.

Step to me with your half-hearted mouth-mascara, son, and you’ll wake up tied to some train tracks. And don’t expect any Dudley Do-Right to come a’rushing to your damsel-in-distress screams this time. You see, I’ve sent him over a waterfall in a barrel so there’s no way he can-

Sonofabitch. Is that…?

do right

That is him! God damn it! How is he so good at opening barrels?! Is there a fucking barrel crafting course at Mountie Academy?

This is bullshit. You still suck.

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13 Responses to Whole-hearted Mustache

  1. Josh Roberts says:

    I know what you mean, even though I’m under the drinking age, and have never even been on the outside of a bar, I still know what you mean… somehow…

  2. Kaitlyn says:

    Moustaches are manly. Own it!

  3. deadlytoque says:

    I also wear an unironic mustache, although in my beard-mustache relationship, it is the beard which is fucked; this probably explains why there is a 5 mm gap between my beard and mustache areas where no hair will grow: my mustache has taken out a restraining order.

  4. deadlytoque says:

    Sigh. I meant “it is the beard which does the fucking”. I really need to start sleeping more.

  5. Mike Fool says:

    That guy in the first picture really looks like he should die in the hands of a real man during a drug deal gone wrong. Or he is just Schneider’s love child, either way F him.

  6. dgrub. says:

    i have a van dyke.

    which, goddamn, if theres a facial hair style with more comedy pun possibility i sure as shit havn’t seen it.

  7. danger says:

    there is no better love story of mustache & beard than from the animated The Tick, to whit: “Arthur, my mustache is touching my brain!”

  8. Robert says:

    Kaitlyn, did you not see the picture? Clearly, I am owning it. Are you implying something other than that? If so, my mustache would like to have a word with you, in private…

  9. Robert says:

    I don’t mean to alarm you, dgrub, but I think may have a dyke on your face.

  10. Chad says:

    wait, is the guy in first picture drinking a schlitz? holy hell

  11. Robert says:

    Yes. Yes he is the perfect douchebag.

  12. founder says:

    Dang, this “ironic mustache” debate is more heated on the internet than I expected. I live in Brooklyn, the epicentre of fashion, music and art and New York City’s youth culture. I think this area gets a bad wrap, and I’d just like to say that, yes, we have lot of douche bags – you can find them anywhere there are beautiful women. But, I’m pretty involved, and none of my friends live on trust funds, or will judge you for wearing clothes that are not up to the fashion standards of the neighborhood. I think in time enough positive contributions will be made by the brilliant youth that live in New York City, that these petty stereotypes will be of less importance.

    Oh, one more note, girl’s love mustaches. I don’t have one personally, but I know plenty of cute girls that are into a man who puts the time and effort into owning a mustache that suits his face. All I can say is that mustaches in the 30’s or 70’s served the exact same purpose, so if mustaches are ironic now, then they always have been.

  13. bill says:

    That fucking guy with the Schlits….

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