Brother, can you spare a comment?

Updated: Thanks for all the input you guys, you have no idea how useful it is to have people to bounce this stuff off of. I kind of had the opposite impression, that the more vague you go with a column, the less it’s preferred. I thought everybody would prefer narrowing into a specific niche, but that does not seem to be the case. I’ll talk to the guy, see if he’ll let me do more of a movie theme in general.I think I’ll still end up doing a fair amount of reviews, but we’ll see. I’ll post the first attempt at this later this week.Oh, and I’m writing a piece for him that’ll run just prior to the Oscars, so I’ll post that link when I get it too. Please just continue commenting on the movie articles until I can get a really solid direction, and I think I can make this thing work. Thanks again, everybody. Handjobs are in the mail, expect them in 4-6 weeks*.

*Truth? My only truth is the blade, the axe, the scream of the battlefield and the roar of victory. That is the only truth that matters to a man, all else is naught but stories and lies.

Listen, I need your help.

I may have a pretty great opportunity here in a couple of months. The details are still being worked out and nothing’s solid yet, but it’s looking good. In short, I may have a column for an awesome site that’s doing a relaunch towards comedy. They want me to stay topical in pop culture commentary, but aside from that I have free reign. Video games, reviews, movies, TV, advice columns, whatever.

I’m thinking movies, for several reasons. First, there’s a few really good humorists out there covering video games but not many covering movies and besides, I don’t have the time nor money to fully devote myself to gaming. TV is great fodder for comedy, but the problem there is that it stops in summer, and I have no material. Now, two of my biggest articles at Cracked are movie based, and traffic always seems to do well there on all movie articles in general. Also, I love shitty movies, and Hollywood will never short me on those. Finally, I figure I’ll always have material between theater and DVD releases, enough for a weekly column or several monthly projects, anyway.

But that’s just me, I’ve never done a recurring column on one subject before, so what do you guys think?

I really need input on this stuff, has it been done to death already and I just don’t know about it? Would you, even if you didn’t read my stuff already, be interested in this kind of thing? What kind of format should I take? Should it be more movie news and commentary, or strictly review? Would you prefer reviews of new, big budget movies predominantly, or perhaps funnier, but older and lesser known movies you could rent? What bothers you about movie reviews that you’d like to see done away with, and what should I keep?

Ideally, I would like to take the few months before relaunch to start posting a few experiments here: To refine and structure something that would work as a recurring feature. I would theoretically post these on Fridays during the day, just so you know. But I would need feedback. There’s about a dozen of you who comment regularly, and I love you guys, seriously, I tape your screen names up on the ceiling and drift away into fantasy like a teenage girl, sighing repeatedly from your dreaminess, but I need more. There’s a pretty good amount of people who read this site, so if only a handful are interested, that’d be enough.

Robert C. Youguys

You can lurk all you want on the other posts (I know you like to watch,) but maybe once a week you could give just a little response to these specific pieces? Don’t worry, I’m not sensitive and if you don’t like something and can explain why or how to fix it, I would be really grateful. Intensely grateful. I would give you handjobs. Literally, I would come to your homes and give you appreciative handjobs, I promise.* So, what do you say? If you would be willing to help me out on this, please comment to this post and tell me that yes, you’d give me feedback on these samples.

*Promises may not be valid in all countries, providences, states or territories. The internet is a kingdom of lies, and you are its dancing jesters – existing only to be callously mocked for the innocent naivety of your beliefs.

Edit: The project can go a few ways, either a weekly column (which I would prefer) or monthly and bi-monthly projects. I should also have mentioned that this is work; I would be getting paid a good amount of money for this. So the concerns about what happens if I don’t feel like doing it and whatnot are kind of irrelevant. Besides, deep down at the heart of things everything I write is basically calling somebody a dickhead. And I always feel like calling somebody a dickhead. Always. Thanks for the comments so far guys, this is great help. Keep it up. Handjobs ahoy!*

*SO MANY LIES.

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22 Responses to Brother, can you spare a comment?

  1. Jerk Face says:

    Yeah, man, I’ll definitely give you feedback. I think the movie theme is a good idea, especially if you sometimes focus on shitty and/or less known films. Older ones could be okay too. As long as you stick to the film theme in general, I think it would make a cohesive column that you could use to dabble around in a few different styles to keep it interesting.

  2. JayT says:

    I really think that you should just do a column about lesbians…who wouldn’t like that?

  3. Muledriver says:

    Ok. Most of my commenting here has been snarky and inane and stupid and oh so hot. But I’ll set all of that to the side and give you my honest opinion:

    You have a delectable little mouth.

    Also, you are one of the funniest guys on the internet. Trust me, I’ve looked. Good humor sites are few and far between.

    In my opinion, though, the reason you’re so funny is because you seem to be riffing on stuff that makes you laugh. For that reason, I would say that if you decide to write about movies (or whatever) don’t try to stick to one format (i.e. reviews). Just pick something about movies that makes you laugh and write about that. If it turns into a review, cool. If it turns into commentary on the sad state of Hollywood, cool. Know what I mean?

    Not sure if you’ve seen these two guys who do movie-based humor, but you might want to check them out:

    1. Joe Bob Briggs. Not sure if he’s still funny but I used to read his stuff as a kid and it made me laugh. He writes mostly about B movies, drive-in classics, etc. http://www.joebobbriggs.com

    2. Rod Hilton. Writes fake screenplays which are balls-out hilarious. http://www.editingroom.us

    That’s my take. Just remember that when you get to my house? CUP THE BALLS.

  4. Jimmy Jam says:

    Do you have to pick and stick to a particular topic? I think your stuff is just jazzy, but I think you need to be able to keep your wings spread to soar, you know? That said, if you must be caged, then I think the caged bird should sing about movies, especially if you don’t have to strictly stick current movies. Please don’t start sucking.

  5. Tristan says:

    I think your column should be about Prince.

    Seriously though, movies is a good way to go but don’t tie yourself down too much, stick with general commentary then throw in the odd review I reckon.

    Oh and don’t do TV, i’m not from US so it would mean nothing to me… unless its about Prison Break, Lost, 24 or Heroes…. or House.

  6. Faulty Ninja says:

    I don’t know about this, what about those days where you are annoyed by it and don’t enjoy posting? Then I will obviously enjoy it and end up raping another one of your creations. I CAN’T GO BACK TO PRISON MAN! I’m way to pretty. I’ll have more meat in me than a butcher shop!… Horrible prison rape aside, snide movie reviews are some of my favorite things to read partly because I major in film and love movies like I love myself on Saturday nights, and because I live in a country of easily entertained apes who drool over movies like Meet the Spartans like it was the monolith of cinematic triumph. The only condition is I will have to read it in dark allyways… where there will be no witnesses and I can have my rough way with it.

  7. Muledriver says:

    If you’re going to review movies you probably should give some consideration to what your trademark ‘rating’ system is going to be. You could go with the standard 1 to 10 scale or letter grades or even stars. But those are tired and passe.

    Your rating system should be as creative as you are. For example, Siskel & Ebert had their ‘thumbs up, thumbs down’, some website I can’t remember the name of has a ‘rotten tomatoes’ system, Dentyne has their ‘four-out-of-five dentists’. What will YOUR cool new creative rating system be?

    Well, tell you what kid…I’ve come up with something and I’m just going to throw it out there for your consideration.

    I think you should start every review with a picture of you with your finger shoved into a cat’s a-hole. The total length of digit you have wedged up there would be directly correlated to how much you liked the movie. So a really good movie would be “Three knuckles deep, folks!” While a horrible film might just rate a fingernail.

    What I really like about this system is, not only is it easy to remember, it also tells the audience that they are dealing with a critic who exudes maturity and class.

    Anyway, just a thought. Feel free to take it, leave it, go fuck yourself. Whatever.

  8. danger says:

    As someone who has been somewhat in charge of some sorta creative something, and who stops in regularly to watch you battle the bots; you were given an open option for a reason- because you pull from so many directions and can start from anywhere. Creative directors like that sort of thing, believe it or not. Narrowing your focus to cinema, good or bad, would cramp your muse horribly giving the bots an opening I’m not sure you would notice until the TKO. You deserve to be paid for what you are good at, not what fits into a readymade format; and you are so good at not being rope-a-doped/pidgeon-holed.
    just some thoughts, one dickhead to another…

  9. I know I am still fresh in the honeymoon phase with your writing, but I would read a movie review from you every single week.

    I would literally shove an elderly person sitting in my computer chair down onto the ground just for fun, but right afterwards I would get on the computer & look at whatever you had to say regarding movies or something. Godspeed.

  10. Hunter says:

    The more dickheads, the better, I say.
    Go for it.
    Make sure you write some half-assed synopses of the films in case your audience hasn’t seen it. That way, they still won’t understand why you’re hilarious.

  11. Ken says:

    I’ll leave it simple. DO IT.

    You’re very funny.

  12. Robert says:

    Shit, you guys. You’re scaring me. I have to be topical, I have to pick an angle. That’s not up to me. Whatever angle or approach I want is mine (if it all works out,) but I can’t do literally anything I want from week to week….

    I’m starting to think I’ll cramp up, lose it, and throw a drinking fountain through a window to escape to the freedom of sweet nature the second I have to write topically.

  13. Aidan says:

    Right. I’m sure you’re doing your own research but just to show you what other type of comedy/movie stuff I look at aside from cracked. If you went with movie news itd be hard to be much different from the guy at iwatchstuff.com , And when you look at it you realise that, in order to have stuff to write about weekly (nevermind daily), you’ll have to resort to just banging chick flicks and pauly shore movies. Which while undeniably fun can also get old pretty fast.
    Reviews of current movies are tricky coz aside from your big event movies Its hard to strike a balance between comedy and actually expressing an opinion. I don’t mean that as any kind of knock on your ability to write just that your everyday movie tend to be more meh than outrageously good or bad and therefore harder to rip on for fun.
    And the 80’s action list is never actually as long as you remember so I don;t know if you’d have the material.
    I’d check to see if you could do something like season long threads on one angle but once a certain length of time goes by you can change it up when you feel stuck in a rut.
    Best of luck with it. I’m hungover writing this so wont be surprised if theres no sense attached

  14. Jess says:

    I’ll definitely read and give feedback. That’s not an issue. As far as the HJ, I’ll give you a brief instructional run-down on my preferred method, and you can practice on a baseball bat to get the technique down. It may sound like I’m bragging here, but seriously, finding pants is hard enough, and I rarely leave the house because of it. Try exercising with one of those taped to the front of your jeans and you’ll understand why “morbidly obese” doesn’t do me justice.

    Back to you. As others have said, if you do a weekly new movie article, you’ll end up seeing some shitty films. On the other hand, what do peole want to read more — an article about how great some obviously great film is, or an article about how terrible some obviously terrible film is? If you guessed the latter, U R A WINR. People love to see something get torn down, preferrably in a brutal, vulgar way. While it may be great at times to hold things up and praise their divinity, it’s more fun to see some smirking bit of trash get smashed in the teeth with a baseball bat, kicked in the junk, stomped to the curb, and then pissed on. Something tells me that you’re the right man to take an extra large Big Gulp and a Louisville Slugger into the theatre when you see “Fool’s Gold”. If you don’t have a baseball bat, well… the terms of that HJ are negotiable, and may include maxillofacial damage to Matthew McConaughey and/or Kate Hudson.

    As for rentals, I love when Adam Carolla and Bill Simmons do their “Basic Cable Classics” reviews on the Adam Carolla Show, and I’m sure you could make something happen with that. Just realize that your audience for that is a bit more limited, and unless you’re picking something that isn’t constantly referenced, it may get tired quickly. You can only riff on Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris for so long before you’re a self-parody.

    That’s my bit. I’m just gonna go tripod myself to the bathing vat now and dictate those HJ specs to my robot butler.

  15. Paul says:

    Does it have to be movie reviews, or just about movies generally? If you could do comparisons of a particular director’s movies over the course of his/her career, or other digressions like that on occasion, it would provide more flexibility. Or you could just stick to explaining how each week’s new releases would have been notably improved by the addition of lesbians.

  16. dgrub. says:

    fuck. writing for money is hard. it’s like trying to ejaculate on cue.

    i’m in the same position: what the hell do i write about? i find having a strong sounding board, someone you have mentally confirmed is brilliant to pitch ideas to – is super usefull. Whether it’s standup, reviews, blogs, or clever text messages about cats.

    it’s such a cop out and cliche to say, but “write about what interests you” is pretty good advice. honestly, just keep doing what you are doing. it’s the best read and is consistantly hilarious.

    but then again, fuck me, I work for the man selling shit.

  17. threephin says:

    Go for it.*

    *Future comments may be slightly longer/more informative.

  18. Robert says:

    You guys are the rockingest. If you were an early ’90s douchebag slangterm, you guys would be “Badical.”

  19. Muledriver says:

    “…writing for money is hard. it’s like trying to ejaculate on cue.”

    This is very true.

    Maybe you should train yourself to ejaculate on cue first.

  20. the girlfriend says:

    Who said he can’t ejaculate on cue? I’m a busy woman, you know.

  21. Lester the Mo says:

    After reading the space consuming posts above and trying my best to filter through the attempted humorous comments, here’s one I hope you can as serious as entry we’re all replying to.

    But then again, it is the internet and the internet is founded on a web of lies.

    First: You’re getting paid. So do it every week.

    Second: Don’t limit yourself to new movies or comedies. Do them all. If it’s a slow week, review Animal House or something.

    Third: Stay the fuck away from a 1 to 10 rating system. I don’t want to hear you give ‘No Country for Old Men’ a 7 because they killed off Luellan. I want to hear, “I didn’t like it but go see it.” Or “I loved it. But it was really bad and you might want to wait to torrent it.” Having a person rate a movie on 1 to 10 scale is like farting in your hand, waving it in someone’s face and asking them what degree of stink they think it is. And in a society were 3/4s of us are coke heads chances are we can’t smell that well.

    Fourth: Everything changes once there is money involved. You start trying harder to the point where you end up doing less. If you can turn something like this into a routine that you want to do instead of feel like you have to it’ll be easy mode. But you have to something consistently 30 times for it to be considered routine so GL with that.

    You mentioned that you can change it up? Awesome. Do some movies you enjoy to start it off. Move onto a game that has been getting a lot of hype. Then slide your way over to a TV show. ‘Lost’ has been done to death so many avoid that one. Or do ‘Lost’ just because it has been done so much. Review and contrast other peoples faggy reviews.

    Needless to say, I’ll always be here to call you a spunk flavored cocksicle.
    .

  22. Muledriver says:

    One other thing to consider is that you will always have this site to goof around on. so you can stretch your writing muscles on a paying gig and still write about whatever you want here.

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