Lesbians: A Tribute to the Unsung Heroes.

Lesbians.

lesbians

For some of you, that’s enough. I’ve just made a small portion of your day, and you can go about your business now.

For most of you, however, this is simply not going to do it. Years of exposure to the exponential perversion of the internet have left you so jaded that the pure-as-driven-snow kink of watching two girls make out has lost all impact, and it takes four times as much to satisfy you now, so:

four times

There, now you too can go tend to your own affairs – a spring in your step, a cartoon Bluejay flitting about your shoulders as you maneuver through your soul shattering day at the office.

Now, there are likely a good number of you who are still left wanting – whose ante has been upped so far that you can only get off on girls puking shit into a shot glass while mentally handicapped men fight to the death with hammers in the background. But your libido is too dark my friends, I cannot assist you on such matters. I have my mortal soul to think of and besides, The View is on in like an hour, you can just wait until then. You probably even have time to squeeze one off while strangling a kitten if you get started now.

strangled cat

For the rest of you who, quite ludicrously, just insist that lesbians aren’t about the best thing in the world, I need to have some words with you. First, you’re either a god damn liar, a spy, a communist, or a lying communist spy. Lesbians are the best invention since girls, and I thank God every day for the Greeks, inventors of the lesbian. Legend has it they were trying distill alcohol from olive oil and chest grease when two women fell in the vat and, finding themselves pre-lubricated, naturally followed their womanly instincts and just decided to have a go at it. Whatever the case may be, thank you Grecians. Also, your sandwiches are pretty tasty. That’s two.

The fact is that most women, if you find them drunk and/or honest enough, will freely admit that they have bi-sexual tendencies. The ones that deny this probably just want you to stop hanging around outside their windows every night waiting for the inevitable topless pantie fight to start.

The only real anti-lesbian stances seem to stem from one of two primary reasons that go something like this:

Stance #1: Most real-life lesbians aren’t the giggling, coquettish, nimble nymphs and nubile nyads you see in the media. They’re usually hard-edged, smoke encrusted truck drivers with hatred in their hearts and spiked leather on their bodies.

real lesbians

You’ve got a point here somewhere, but that’s only because people in general are ugly and mean. Lesbians are people too, they have the same potential to be fallible, pathetic, and trashy – haggling coupons for Vin Diesel DVDs at Wal-mart just like everybody else, but you can’t hold that against the good ones. All I’m saying here is, if you give me the option to watch an attractive young heterosexual couple make out on a park bench, I’ll lose interest pretty quickly. I will grow apathetic and after a few impossibly creepy moments of staring and moaning, I’ll probably just go chase some ducks around the pond or sing campfire songs in carefree abandonment. That’s just what I do. Should you subtract one man and add one girl to this equation, however, that equals my full and undivided attention.

In a perfect world there would be no need for Ritalin, other than for recreational purposes (like say, when you feel the need to talk about politics and feelings at 4:30am while tapping out extended drum solos on your dog’s head,) you’d merely give more teaching degrees to attractive lesbian couples and send them off to fix the problems of the world – one groping, slippery, topless Ethics class at a time.

lesbians teaching

Stance #2: I’m very religious, and some offset of the Jesus-snuff Cult that I am a member of informs me that lesbians are evil and wrong.

Look, I don’t want to get in a religious debate here. I’m not 16 anymore and rebelling against the system by getting shitty haircuts, listening to music about swear words, and haranguing Christians for ‘buying into the system,’ like ‘sheep, man, like fucking sheep.’ I honestly don’t care if we have differing religious beliefs. Religion has been responsible for some pretty amazing things in days gone by, and far be it from me to knock your junk around for wanting to believe that Charlton Heston is in the sky waiting to give you hugs when you die. I hope, however, that at least one thing is undeniably clear: Religion hates fun. It hates fun like I hate Euro-trash, that is to say mindlessly, passionately, and unquestionably.

Religion, for the most part, hates drugs, drinking, sex, and rock ‘n roll. Maybe you could argue that a religious stance against the first three has its roots in genuine causes, as all three could harm you theoretically, but why do you hate guitar solos and stirring beats? Because you are allergic to awesome, that is why, that is the only possible reason. So let’s just agree that the founding fathers of most religions had a thing against good times. That’s fine, they had other things to think about, like the nature of man, the eternal soul, and how best to dodge a lion. So why wouldn’t they harbor a thing against lesbians? Life was tough for them, when they stand sadly outside the locked gates of another all-girl marble and grape orgy, of course they’re going to be a bit envious. It’s hard enough to get you some Old World tail when your underwear is made of bronze and leather that smells like ball sweat, the last thing you need is some of your few available girls deciding to skip the old horizontal crucifixion and just get it on with each other.

ancient lesbian

Now, if your argument doesn’t fall under one of the two categories, well, you’re probably trying to impress a girl right now by pretending that you’re above all of this. You’re probably telling her something like you love her for her intellect, or her soul, or her crappy poetry about cats and feelings, or whatever bullshit you Metro-sexuals spout these days to help facilitate your pussy intake. I guess there’s no real dismissal I have for that argument… aside from that you read this far.

Because the first line I wrote up there was simply “lesbians.”

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7 Responses to Lesbians: A Tribute to the Unsung Heroes.

  1. Ken says:

    Awesome is pretty much the best word for this.

  2. dgrub. says:

    “whose ante has been upped so far that you can only get off on girls puking shit into a shot glass while mentally handicapped men fight to the death with hammers in the background.”

    …jesus christ you are quite possibly the funniest writer other than Sedaris (mmmm pretention.) i can’t come up with anything clever to say i’m so disarmed by your brilliance.

    fuck you, by the way, for being better at what i do that i am. fuck you in a nice way. also, as a side note, the motherfucker selling his stereo across the street blasting his stupid fucking mexican musica at 9 am interupting my watching of a Eukanuba dog show (for some reason. probably still drunk) needs to FOAD.

    hit me up on myspace!!!!!!!!

  3. Lester the Mo says:

    is it wrong that i spent more time looking at the hilarious picture of the cat insted of the hot pantie on pantie action upon four kegs?

  4. Paul says:

    I suspected this blog was just a clever ruse to one day have a legitimate excuse to google lesbians all day.

    “Robert, are you looking at lesbian porn?”

    “Yeah, for this article I’m writing. You know, for my blog. That you helped me make.”

    “Oh, right.”

  5. Robert says:

    I was thinking that as I was googling lesbians. I was thinking, “Meagan is going to see all the images of lesbians on the desktop and think she’s caught me for a second, then I will show her my blog and scream ‘it was valid! FOR RESEARCH.”

  6. StoatLad says:

    The hammers bit made me cackle, like a sad insane old presidential hopeful.

    Also, the girl in the back (behind the smoker in blue) in the “real lesbians” picture? I think that I worked with her at a video store. If I could see that in the original context, and then laugh at her about it, that would be pure awesome.

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