The internet would have you believe Chuck Norris is the messiah of tough guys. Ironic hipsters love Chuck Norris because of the joke facts started on the internet, cutting edge ironic hipsters hate Chuck because some people like him and it is against their nature to enjoy things with others, while the hipster elite love Chuck again because they have seen that hating Chuck is cool now and so will not be cool tomorrow, thus making the loving of Chuck Norris right now totally retro…in the future. Listen, being a hipster is complicated, but that’s beside the point. I am here to present a different viewpoint: Chuck Norris is not only a dick now, but he always was and will always and ever be. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay to say what you will about Chuck Norris. No, really, anything you want. There will be no reprisal.
Here, I’ll get us started:
Chuck Norris is not technically a homosexual, he is a monosexual. This means he is so arrogant that the only man he loves enough to fuck is, paradoxically, himself. This is evidenced plainly here by a rare photograph of Chuck attempting to pleasure himself orally but ending sadly, as it always does, with Chuck Norris on the verge of tears staring grimly at his own erection.
See? That may be a little uncalled for, I know, but that was to prove a point. The internet did not punch me in the face, the television did not mysteriously turn on in the next room playing Walker, Texas Ranger, and my own beard did not reach out and begin strangling me. Chuck Norris is just a douchebag, and pretty much always has been. Those jokes that made him beloved on the internet were ironic. They were mocking Chuck for thinking of himself as so ridiculously badass in the first place, and a lot of you hopefully still remember that. However, a great deal of you have taken them literally, and will respond with fear and anger to anything but praise for him. I realized this when I wrote an article for Cracked a while back pointing out that Chuck is ridiculous and has been for decades. The comments ranged from the joking “wait’ll Chuck sees this! You’re in trouble,” to “FCUK YOU yu are a week man and chuck could kick your fcukin G ass!” You can tell the fury, you see, by the dramatic misspellings. This commenter was so angry that the shift key burst into flames and his spell checker just auto-corrected every word to be “MOTHERFCUKER>”
There is only one defensible thing Chuck has ever done, and here I am talking about Return of the Dragon. I am talking all the fuck about Return of the Dragon.
Specifically, the moment that happens directly after this:
For those of you who have not seen a Bruce Lee movie, this is the point of no return for Chuck Norris. He has actually dared to attempt an attack on Bruce Lee. Your first warning sign, by the way, that it is a bad idea to attack Bruce lee:
He’s motherfucking Bruce Lee.
Here is a handy flow chart. Always consult this chart before kicking:
Clearly, Chuck Norris’ pathetic, doughy, white-guy, accountant kick is about to result in the complete and total massacre of his crotch by Bruce Lee. I mean, that much is clear. His crotch is about to rival the Holocaust for the sheer scale of horrors perpetuated against humanity. I don’t know why I bother to mention it. I don’t even have to tell you that. It’s a scientific fact.
The end result of swinging at Bruce Lee? Your rib cage: Gone.
The end result of thinking negative thoughts about Bruce Lee? You’re about to have a nice conversation and maybe a spot of tea with your own ass.
The end result of even hinting that you could take Bruce Lee? You’d feel a small, sharp pain in your chest mere seconds before he comes flying out of your lungs, birthed in the gore, and as your vision fades, he flies away – jumpkicking into the distance – you’d have just enough time to wonder how it was he got in there before it all went black.
Chuck Norris of all people knew this well in advance. Just look at his face:
He knows what he did. That is the face of a man that is silently saying goodbye to life, ever briefly regretting the chances he never took, the girls he never kissed, and the small kindnesses he never repaid.
Local legends say that after filming wrapped Bruce Lee, in an uncharacteristic bout of mercy, traveled back in time by punching a clock in the throat just to warn Chuck Norris not to try to awkwardly kick at him.
I mean, Bruce Lee beat him so god damn hard that he actually destroyed the few redeeming personality traits Norris possessed. Lee punched the charity out of Chuck Norris, he drop-kicked his sense of humor into oblivion, and he choked all of the love out of his soul. Lee actually found a way to kick Chuck Norris’ personality half to death, and that goes a long way toward explaining why Chuck is such a douchebag now. I mean, don’t revere him for being a half-case of dickhead, but try to temper it with a little pity – after all, there but for the grace of god go all of us.
Interesting side note and hilariously awesome fact:
Taken from the Wikipedia entry regarding the relationship between Norris and Lee:
“But while the two were publicly friendly, contrary to what many (including Norris himself) state, they were not close friends. Lee had repeatedly humiliated Norris during a mock sparring session in the hotel hallway at the Long Beach International Karate Championships in 1964. And Norris had offended Lee when he publicly claimed to be a better fighter than Lee. When word got back to Lee, he called Norris and openly challenged him, threatening to drive to his school to fight (Norris was teaching his black belt class at that time). According to eye witnesses, Lee made Norris hold the phone receiver up and shout in front of his black belts, “Bruce Lee is a better fighter than me!” Later, Norris wrote an apologetic letter to Lee; the original letter is currently in the care of Lee’s student, Dan Inosanto.”
Incidentally, this is how the phrase “oh, snap!” was born.