Secret wishes

secret wishes

I want a T-shirt that reads “I toured a T-shirt factory and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”

I want a beer that makes you temporarily shrink an inch or two for every one you finish, because I think it would be hilarious to be that drunk and tiny.

I want somebody to come clean my apartment, cook me dinner, and then spontaneously explode, provided they clean up after themselves….somehow.

I want my right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of Gummi Bears. Because it is very difficult to bounce properly without their precious Gummi Juice.

I want all of my old action figures back. Only I want them to be real this time, because I would throw the most awesome party you’d ever seen…I’d have Snake Eyes guarding the door, Michelangelo break-dancing in the living room, and Optimus Prime would be there mostly to talk you down from any bad acid trips, and reassure you that everything is going to turn out okay.

I want everybody to admit that our love of Optimus Prime is because he was the closest thing a lot of us had to a father figure, and he transformed into a truck, and he was a giant robot. These are all things my real dad couldn’t….he just…I’m sorry I need a minute…

I want everybody to admit that Optimus Prime is just the robotic Tom Selleck.

But most of all I want peace on earth for everybody but me, so that all the girls that love troubled men will adore me, only me.

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5 Responses to Secret wishes

  1. Martin says:

    again, you are a genius

  2. Mike Fool says:

    Considering your occupation of fighting robots, wouldn’t have Optimus Prime be a conflict of interest? Or have you already brokered a peace treaty?

  3. Santa says:

    My secret wish has already been answered – someone who understands my strange paternal affection for Optimus Prime.

  4. Josh Roberts says:

    I can agree with all of these except peace on Earth, I want quite the opposite, I want to be the only peaceful one because EVERYONE will envy me, not just girls daring troubled men.

  5. StoatLad says:

    Optimus Prime is both a robot and a truck. No where does it say that he fights robot trucks. Loopholes (and logic loops) are what successful robot fighting is all about.

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