Rock, raptors, and regrets.

So I’m lying there last night, my stomach once again struggling nobly, but ultimately futilely to turn sandwiches into poop, when it makes a sound that is quite clearly, “war on owls.”

It’s soft, but distinct. It continues on to insist: “War….on owls!”


Then a brief moment of silence before:


Listen, y’know, whatever you say stomach, I guess. Really, fuck predatory birds anyway, but isn’t there an easier way to get sustenance than negotiating with a muscle bag filled with acid that hates raptors?

the owl wars

I wish I could switch to Chlorophyll and get my energy from the sun, but alas I am pastier than English pub fare and would be perpetually sunburned. Isn’t there some way to feed off of something that I’m good at absorbing, like dark beer, the scorn of loved ones, or rock n’ roll?

Jesus, that is a brilliant idea. I could say things like “I eat rock n fucking roll and shit nu-metal! I belch guitar solos and fart power-chords! MY TEETH ARE AMPLIFIERS WAAAAAAA!!”

Oh shit, you guys, I think I accidentally just made a bumper sticker for Brett Michaels. Does anybody have his number?

Jesus, did I really just spend twenty minutes writing this? I…uh…I’m going to go climb a mountain or something, so that I have something worthwhile to tell my grandchildren.

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5 Responses to Rock, raptors, and regrets.

  1. Muledriver says:

    When I read your site I laugh. A lot. And, sometimes, I laugh so hard that soda pop shoots out of my nose.

    Even though I am not drinking soda pop.

    So, after careful consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are funny AND magical.

    Good job!

  2. Josh Roberts says:

    I gotta admit your site kicks ass. Robot ass. Keep it coming! By the way, your first post is on my birthday, how cool is that? It’s like I was destined to arrive here.

    -Rock out with your cock out!

    The Happy Pill

  3. Chase of Base says:

    “War on owls” made me cry at work. I’m giggling to myself thinking about it. Awesome job!

  4. StoatLad says:

    Grandchildren? Not with that attitude.

    Owls. Eat. Babies. How can you not know this?

  5. GADogs says:

    Oh my God, I almost shit myself for the first time in 20 years. You, sir, are a genius.

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