There is a homeless man at the Fred Meyer on 39th and Hawthorne (for those of you in the area who wish to subscribe to his antics personally,) who has somehow managed to appropriate some period-authentic, black cotton Samurai clothes in somewhat reasonable condition. This is complete with Kimono and Hakama pants, which Google assures me is the technical term for my search words “Samurai overalls.” He keeps the robe open – one huge, perfectly rounded homeless man-breast folded over the inside lapel, jiggling with each frantic cantering step. If you happen to make eye contact he will bark at you, or perhaps stick his enormous tongue out and scream “blaaaahhh!” like the vampire Count from Sesame Street.
I mention this because school is starting up again, and I just get the nagging feeling that my time may be better spent studying at the bare heels of this local madman than at my esteemed professor’s loafers.
I hope there are still spots available for Prof. Homeless Samurai’s survey course – “Prowlin’ in Your Parking Lot: A Psychotics Path Through Your Personal Business.”
Points I hope he will cover:
How to: Acquiring Authentic Samurai Attire – Using Nothing but Beard-lice and Urine!
Barking: The Acceptable Uses.
The Origins of the Modern Bum’s Man-tit.
Combat Your Enemies, Lesson 1: Liquor-words.
Why Do Soda Cans Trap Your Soul?
How to: Recycling and Redeeming Your Soul Cans for New, More Powerful Liquor-words to Yell at Your Foes.