Ghost-ridin’ the Raccoon Corpse

A friend of ours lives in what is politely referred to as an urban renewal area. That’s Honkey-talk for ghetto, dear friends. On the corner by their house lies a rotting raccoon corpse. It’s been there for about a year, right on a major intersection, steadily rotting and nobody will do anything about it.That in itself is fairly ghetto, however, it has prompted a response which is quite literally the funniest thing I’ve heard in months.

Somebody took a shit on it.

Not near it, not around it, not just off to the side of it, but rather directly and properly piled on top of a year old rotten animal corpse.

The danger and disease of a rotting corpse in a major metropolitan area is sad and messed up enough, but without exception the worst way I can possibly imagine to respond to a situation, any situation, is to take a shit on that situation. To find something utterly disgusting, and then immediately act to make that something even more repulsive is so frivolously, unnecessarily spiteful that you will always arouse a chuckle from appreciative pessimists, such as myself. Just the questions this act raises are an endless source of amusement and wonder, for example:

Is it crazier if the shitter of shits in question planned on doing this, or if it was a spur of the moment, off the cuff response?

I mean, is it more psychotic for a person walking by one day to see the carcass and continue walking, but make a mental note to return to the corpse at a later date, when the street is less populated and they feel the bodily urge to defecate?

Or is it more fuck-all insane to walk down the street, spot a year old corpse and, on a whim, decide “I think I might shit on that. Yes, yes I think I might.”

What do you say if, and this is a very real possibility, somebody walks by and catches you, squatting at a major intersection shitting on a corpse?

“What…what are you doing?”
“I’m shitting on a corpse, motherfucker, what does IT LOOK LIKE?!”
“But…why?”
“Cause it’s Tuesday!”

That is literally the most hardcore shit ever pulled. That should be the new macho act ghetto youth engage in to demonstrate their complete disregard for the sanctity of life. Taking a shit on a corpse should be the new Ghost-ridin’ The Whip.

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12 Responses to Ghost-ridin’ the Raccoon Corpse

  1. Jess says:

    This is quite honestly one of the funniest things I’ve read in a good long while. As I write this, there are tears in my eyes, and I am choking out stifled laughter (which is quite inappropriate in my small shared workspace). I knew it was a good idea to follow the link to your blog from Cracked.com (where I had just read something that is also near this level of hilariousness, written by you).

  2. rob says:

    If I know anything about shitting on things (I believe I do), I’d wager that the shitter shat in some kind of receptacle then placed it on the shitee.

  3. Nexox says:

    It is now a few hours after I originally read your article, so I think that I’ve recovered enough from the laughing/crying/internal bleeding that you inspired in me this morning. I only got part way through the thing before I ended up on the floor of my boss’s cubical attempting to pant and giggle simultaneously. The net result was the discovery of some new noises which I had no idea I could make, plus a long lost (from Halloween 2+ years ago) Kit Kat bar under a filing cabinet.

    Once I could get to my knees to see my boss’s monitor again I finished the article and proceeded to laugh until my stomach muscles cramped. They’re still a bit sore.

    I’m pretty sure that your ‘Because it’s a Tuesday’ line will be reused quite a few times in the future of our intra-cubical communication. Every time I think about it I chuckle a little bit and bring on aftershocks of this afternoon’s stomach cramps.

    Bloody brilliant work man.

  4. joflow says:

    “Because it’s Tuesday”

    That’s what a wino says!

  5. Aimi says:

    Oh sweet Jesus, TEARS
    Thank you forever for vastly improving the quality of my lame as hell Friday night in!

  6. Robert says:

    Dearest everybody,

    I am so glad you could take pleasure in the defilement of sacred life. I thought it was just me. I am very happy that my writing could cause you to get in trouble at work, and hope to continue this trend. I will get you fuckin’ fired.

    Love and punches,
    -Robert

  7. StoatLad says:

    You are a gift to all mankind.

    Also, do I get bonus points because it is, in fact, Tuesday?

  8. Chad says:

    i have no idea how i missed this page of posts, but damn am i glad i decided to scan through the archives. Robert, you are funny. nay, more than funny, more like the physical personification of Funny. I mean, really, which is crazier – premeditation or impulsive action? bah, my words fail me, i loved it.

  9. Darkmage says:

    Fuckin’ hell that was funny! Seriously, I will think about that later on, whilst sat watching TV with my gilfriend, at which point I will burst out laughing. She will invariably ask why and then I will have to explain that I am laughing at the idea of somebody shitting on a dead racoon. So, thank you for that Robert.

  10. Nexox says:

    I’ve just re-read these comments (and the hilarious story) as I needed to convince someone that you were the funniest motherfucker around. I’ve got funny, but I’ll apparently need pictoral evidence to support the ‘motherfucker’ claim. You’ve got my email address, so send away.

    In any case I was in no danger of getting fired, since my boss was laughing nearly as hard, and nearly fainting is nothing compared to yelling “Touch my WANG!” at the top of my lungs just as 5 or 6 20-something female students walked in the door.

    I was out of sight, safely behind a cubical wall, and soon even safer under my desk, attempting to seal myself off from society via a fortress constructed from fast food wrappers and chopsticks. My Boss did, kind of, have to talk to that group for 20 odd minutes, with a straight face, so I had plenty of time to give up on the lunch refuse and go back to reading things on the internet.

    That wasn’t technically my job, but it did account for about 70% of the time I spent at work… And the discovery of your autobiographical log of your exploits against robots made that 70% much more entertaining. Might have also made it 80%.

  11. shit head says:

    Message:

    What the hell, i’d like to throw shit shit at some people i know! espically pig poop!

  12. bill says:

    Brockway, you are my hero. I am astonished that I’m not the only person who would find something like this some of the funniest shit ever.

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