Listen, I love shitty movies.
I will watch the worst imaginable movie filth splayed haphazardly across the screen like vomit on a frat toilet, before I watch the finest work of film art, laid frame by frame by the prim and fragile caring hands of foreign-born Bohemian savants to lay bare the nature of man.
Allow me to illustrate; I have not seen Schindler’s List through to the finish.
I have, on occasion, been presented with the option to watch this notoriously moving and infamously life-changing film, and chosen instead to watch Tremors for the sixty-seventh time, yelling “watch out for the Graboids!” when the bestial rubber worms burrow through the floor to eat the gnarled but prolific Grandfather from Eddie Murphy’s 1980’s masterpiece, “The Golden Child.”
Fun fact:Victor Wong, who played Walter Chang, the cheap and weaselly small town shop owner in Tremors, is the single most identifiable trait of an awesomely bad movie. Don’t believe me? Check out for your viewing pleasure such violent shit storms as the 3 Ninjas trilogy, Big Trouble in Little China, Bloodsport, and of course, the moment the world went insane and gave a theatre release movie to David Caruso, Jade!
I have been thinking consistently of The Scorpion King since I watched it a few months ago. To my shame, I still have several images I googled bookmarked, just in case the desperate need should arise to boost the country’s morale with still images of The Rock punching a guy dead in the coinpurse with a fistful of poisonous snakes. Rather than forcing these upon you, I will just repeat to you my favorite quote from this movie, which may or may not also be the title of a pop classic by soft rock supergroup and all around giant gaping vaginas, Hall and Oates:
Nubian eyes *clap clap* are watching you…
I may have added the claps.
This is all I wanted to contribute to the web for now, and so with that I take my leave of you. You may now continue to wander the obscure, desolate tundra of the internet, slowly rotting alone amidst the tumbleweeds of pornography and towering dunes of petty fraud.