Now! With Extra Claps!

Listen, I love shitty movies.

I will watch the worst imaginable movie filth splayed haphazardly across the screen like vomit on a frat toilet, before I watch the finest work of film art, laid frame by frame by the prim and fragile caring hands of foreign-born Bohemian savants to lay bare the nature of man.

Allow me to illustrate; I have not seen Schindler’s List through to the finish.

I have, on occasion, been presented with the option to watch this notoriously moving and infamously life-changing film, and chosen instead to watch Tremors for the sixty-seventh time, yelling “watch out for the Graboids!” when the bestial rubber worms burrow through the floor to eat the gnarled but prolific Grandfather from Eddie Murphy’s 1980’s masterpiece, “The Golden Child.”

Victor Whaaaaat?

Fun fact:Victor Wong, who played Walter Chang, the cheap and weaselly small town shop owner in Tremors, is the single most identifiable trait of an awesomely bad movie. Don’t believe me? Check out for your viewing pleasure such violent shit storms as the 3 Ninjas trilogy, Big Trouble in Little China, Bloodsport, and of course, the moment the world went insane and gave a theatre release movie to David Caruso, Jade!

I have been thinking consistently of The Scorpion King since I watched it a few months ago. To my shame, I still have several images I googled bookmarked, just in case the desperate need should arise to boost the country’s morale with still images of The Rock punching a guy dead in the coinpurse with a fistful of poisonous snakes. Rather than forcing these upon you, I will just repeat to you my favorite quote from this movie, which may or may not also be the title of a pop classic by soft rock supergroup and all around giant gaping vaginas, Hall and Oates:

Nubian eyes *clap clap* are watching you…

I may have added the claps.

This is all I wanted to contribute to the web for now, and so with that I take my leave of you. You may now continue to wander the obscure, desolate tundra of the internet, slowly rotting alone amidst the tumbleweeds of pornography and towering dunes of petty fraud.

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6 Responses to Now! With Extra Claps!

  1. sean says:

    haha, quality article, I too am guilty of the bad movie wrong-love. I have Road House on (a frequently played) DVD. Oh yes.

  2. Kyle says:

    Was Victor Wong in “Revenge of the Nerds 2, Nerds in Paradise” in which he played Dudley ‘Booger’ Dawson’s delapitated hotel dwelling master, who possessed such classic skills as extreme belching and the ability to nail a fly with a loogey from across the room?

  3. Frankie says:

    Doesn’t loving shitty movies make them good… i mean, just for yourself?

    Also instead of shitty, i’d prefer to call them poor. Because, you know, after you’ve seen some poor movies that where shitty, after first thinking all shitty movies are shit the same shit, you finally realize all the shitty movies you shitty watched were not shit but just poor (still entertaining poor) and that you have now shitty reached the darkest spot in the asshole of an hobby-directors scat-dream.

    I mean some stuff is really fucked up. Really fucked up.
    Perhabs it’s because i buy/watch movies just because of their title and cover, giving a shit what’s inside. Thats how it’s got to be!

    But check out this:

    the machine girl

    I have not even seen a trailer, but for fucks-sake, this movie seems to be electric dynamite!

    Also I can’t stop watching “Zombie Strippers!”. Expect nothing, have fun.

  4. Robert says:

    I stand by shitty. Poor, to me, brings to mind somebody that was actually trying to make something good, but failed. You can go into making something shitty on purpose.

  5. Darkmage says:

    :which may or may not also be the title of a pop classic by soft rock supergroup and all around giant gaping vaginas, Hall and Oates:”

    Pure… Fucking… Genius.

  6. sam says:

    whats “schindlers list”?

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